


Busted

by Kaye_21



Series: How Sonny and Rafael Got Their Groove Back [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Also Meeting the Sisters, Angst, Anniversary, Babies, Background Rollaro, Background Tuckson, But Babies, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hugs, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Meeting the Parents, Mommy Issues, Not Barisi Babies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-09 07:59:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 43,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4340384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaye_21/pseuds/Kaye_21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone (seriously, everyone) finds out about Sonny and Rafael, in 6 parts. </p>
<p>Reactions vary.</p>
<p>In which Fin is groovy, Sonny and Amanda are bros, Rafael and Liv are besties, the Carisis are hilarious, Lucia Barba is scary, Tucker is nice and Amaro gives dating advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Black & Blue

**Author's Note:**

> The story is complete. I will be posting 1 chapter per day. 
> 
> Consider this an unofficial Barisi Week.
> 
> Please note that, while this story takes place in the "I'll Be Home for Dinner" universe, it could also be read as a standalone; as an established relationship fic. Reading the previous installments gives more context, but it shouldn't be absolutely vital for your enjoyment.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 months in. Sonny gets a bloody nose.

Sonny was having a lousy day. It was bad enough that he had been ordered to pose as a john during the bust of a prostitution ring. It was even worse that the perps had been involved in the trafficking of underage girls. To top that off, at the end of the op, Amaro had fake-arrested Sonny with a roughness that had felt pretty real.

But that hadn’t been all; right before Sonny’s ‘arrest’, some crazy undercover cop, not one of their own, had coldcocked Sonny with the butt of his gun. And, as it turned out, the guy was a Lieutenant who had once been in charge of Manhattan SVU. Sonny had gotten the distinct impression that, by the end of the day, he’d be the one apologizing for getting clocked.

The problem was that the end of Sonny’s day just wouldn’t come. It had been 2 hours already and Sonny was still sitting in a jail cell. He had spent the first hour bleeding, and, at some point during the second hour, he had started experiencing a throbbing headache. Not that anybody had bothered to ask Sonny how he was doing. 

No, his colleagues were all too busy releasing literally every other guy who had been arrested. And that included the crazy gun-wielding Lieutenant plus an undercover Fin. Sonny was apparently a low priority, and what else was new.

At least Fin had tried to get him out, discreetly motioning to Amaro, and Sonny himself had even asked what the holdup was, but Amaro refused to budge. For whatever reason.

Sonny imagined he’d later get an excuse, something like ‘we had to keep you locked up to better maintain your cover’. Like a busted face wasn’t authentic enough. Still, he was half-convinced Amaro was enjoying watching him suffer, and that wasn’t cool. Sonny resolved to ‘forget’ Nick’s morning coffee, at least for a while.

After one more – very uncomfortable – hour, and long after the one and only ice pack Sonny had been given had completely melted, Rollins finally came to release him. 

“Sorry about that, Carisi. We had to cut all the others loose first,” she said, and she did actually look contrite, if not totally truthful.

Sonny, however, was not in the mood.

“Yeah, I’m sure you did.”

Rollins shrugged apologetically. Sonny sighed; this wasn’t her fault.

“Tell Nick I said thanks for the ice pack,” he muttered, as he got out of the cell.

Rollins just shook her head and took off, clearly wanting no part of this. And, frankly, Sonny felt the same way. All he wanted was to get cleaned up, change out of his crusty, bloody shirt and head home. Or, better yet, head to Rafael’s home.

Sonny had heard some patrol cops talking; he knew Rafael was at the precinct, and he knew the DA’s office had been overseeing the bust. Still, Sonny wasn’t sure when Rafael would be able to leave. There were a lot of technical issues, what with an unannounced undercover cop on the scene, one who wasn’t part of the operation. The paperwork alone would probably take days.

Lamenting the thought of having to go back to his own empty apartment, Sonny headed for the locker room; he was sure he had a spare shirt somewhere. Probably. As he walked past Benson’s office, he tried to catch a glimpse of Rafael; unfortunately, it seemed that Sonny’s luck hadn’t changed. 

He did manage to see Rafael – who, for some reason, was wearing that enormous puffy jacket that Sonny liked – but it was clear that the counselor was in for an all-nighter. He and Benson were standing over about a dozen folders, arguing and handing papers back and forth.

Oh well. Home alone. With a possible concussion. What could go wrong?

Sonny walked in the locker room, where he found Fin changing out of his own undercover outfit – except his, as Sonny noted with some resentment, was decidedly less bloody. And, truth be told, a little groovier. 

Fin took one look at Sonny’s face and winced.

“How’s the nose?” he asked.

Sonny almost hugged him, because Fin had been the only person to give a damn about him in the entire day. And, also, because Sonny probably did need to get checked for a concussion.

Approaching the mirror to get a closer look at the damage, Sonny replied, “Eh, it’s not broken or anything. It’s killing me, but it’s nothing some painkillers won’t fix.”

What Sonny didn’t say, was that the painkillers wouldn’t fix the big ol’ shiner he was just now noticing. Great.

Fin nodded sympathetically and left, probably eager to get home himself. Sonny couldn’t blame him; they’d both had a long day.

Sonny tossed his bloody shirt in the trashcan and figured he’d worry about finding a clean one later. His sleeveless undershirt wasn’t ideal, but it would have to do until then. Sonny splashed some water on his face, and then he started carefully cleaning off the dried blood from his now swollen nose.

Not two minutes later, the locker room door opened. Sonny thought that Fin had forgotten something, which was why he was particularly surprised to feel a pair of strong arms envelop him from behind. 

Rafael. 

Sonny would have turned around to hug him for real, but that would have taken too much effort. Instead, he just slumped and let Rafael hold him up for a while. The puffy jacket made Sonny feel practically comfortable, and Rafael’s breath on the back of his neck was strangely soothing.

Rafael was squeezing him pretty tightly, but Sonny didn’t mind. He liked it when Rafael dropped the grumpy act and showed that he cared. It was almost worth the bloody nose.

Almost.

With a long exhale, Rafael tugged at the collar of Sonny’s undershirt and pressed a long kiss between his shoulder blades. 

That was  _totally_ worth the bloody nose. 

After a few moments, Rafael turned Sonny around. Sonny tried to look upbeat but, since he couldn’t feel his face, he wasn’t sure if he succeeded. At any rate, as soon as Rafael saw all the blood he grimaced.

“Sonny…” he sighed, and he lifted his hand, except he seemed too hesitant to actually touch anything. Which was thoughtful, because Sonny’s entire face was sore.

“It looks worse than it feels,” Sonny lied.

“I’m sure it does,” Rafael murmured, as he dampened some paper towels and took over for Sonny, attempting to wipe off the rest of the blood. Sonny felt warm all over.

“Tell me if I’m hurting you,” Rafael said softly.

Sonny nodded but, in truth, he was enjoying Rafael’s touch way too much to ever ask him to stop, pain be damned.

As Rafael lightly dabbed at Sonny’s nose, he asked, “Has anybody taken a look at this?”

Sonny snorted – which hurt – and replied, “Yeah. Amaro. He said I was fine and then he threw me in a cell and left me there for 3 hours.”

Rafael narrowed his eyes in a way which suggested that Amaro would be paying for that little transgression, and Sonny tried to smirk – which also hurt.

Seeing Sonny’s pathetic attempt at a smirk – which had turned into a wince halfway through – Rafael stopped with the dabbing.

“Are you sure you’re OK? Maybe you should–”

“Nah, I’m fine. I’ve had way worse,” Sonny replied, a little too flippantly.

Rafael tensed up. Sonny instantly regretted being so cavalier about his injuries – and, OK, maybe he also enjoyed Rafael’s concern a little, but that just made him feel guilty on top of everything else.

It was clear that Rafael had been worried. For starters, he had initiated a hug, and that almost never happened. Still, this was just a bloody nose and some bruises. True, Sonny had suffered worse injuries on the job, but there was no point in bringing those up. He didn’t want to worry Rafael any more than he had to.

So, Sonny tried to lighten the mood.

“I mean, one time, in basketball practice, I landed wrong so I dislocated my shoulder and broke my nose, in one fell swoop. _And_ it was 4 days before my senior prom.”

Rafael raised an eyebrow, but he did look appeased.

“I’m OK, Rafael. I just need to sleep it off,” said Sonny in his most reassuring tone.

Rafael still didn’t seem convinced, but he did seem too tired to argue. He just reached out and gingerly started touching the bruise under Sonny’s eye, until Sonny’s involuntary wince made him pull his hand away.

Sonny barely held back a whine.

Instead, he took Rafael’s hand in his and squeezed; he knew he should be more cautious, but it was very late and the precinct was almost empty. Plus, there wasn’t a shift change for hours, and Sonny’s face hurt, and he could use a little hand-holding, thank you very much.

Rafael squeezed back and stepped closer; or, as close as his jacket allowed, anyway, which wasn’t even that close. Sonny was seriously 5 seconds away from ripping it off.

With his free hand, Rafael started stroking Sonny’s neck; Sonny smiled, for the first time that day, and he got a fond eye-roll in return.

Showing affection wasn’t Rafael’s strong suit, but Sonny could tell he was trying, despite the eye-rolls and the scoffs and the side-eyes that usually followed a caring gesture. They had been together for about 2 months now, and Rafael had already gotten a lot more demonstrative – which was faint praise, but still. Sonny liked to think he had something to do with that.

Pulling away slightly, his hand sliding down to touch Sonny’s bare arm, Rafael asked, “Do you have another shirt?”

“I thought I did,” Sonny admitted. “It’s fine, I’ll just wear my jacket over this.”

Rafael dug out his spare car keys and said, “I have a few shirts in my trunk,” which, of course he did.

“Thanks, but there’s no need, seriously. I’m headed straight home anyway, I’ll–”

Rafael interrupted; “No you’re not. You’re coming to my place.”

Sonny appreciated the sentiment, he really did, but that just wasn’t practical.

“No way, Rafael,” he moaned. "I can’t wait for you to finish up here, I can barely stand up!” 

“You won’t have to wait for me. I’ll come to you when I’m done.” 

As Sonny looked on in confusion, Rafael pulled out his house keys as well, and he dangled them in front of Sonny temptingly. 

Sonny grinned – which was very painful, but also very worth it – and teased, “Whoa, counselor, this is a pretty big step. It’s barely been 2 months and you’re already giving me your keys?”

Just as Sonny excitedly reached for the keys, Rafael yanked them back. 

Dammit. Sonny knew better than that. He should have grabbed the keys first and  _then_ made the joke. Rookie mistake. 

“In your dreams, _detective._ You’re not keeping these. You are fully expected to leave the keys behind when you... when you’re good to go back to your place. When you’re feeling better.”

Apparently, Rafael had trouble keeping his sneer at full blast when faced with a pouty, bloody Sonny. Interesting.

“Right. ‘Cause you’re worried about me and you wanna make sure I’m OK.”

Rafael actually had the gall to deny that, which was adorable.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Sonny. I just don’t want you dying in your sleep from some undiagnosed brain injury.”

“That’s what _I_ said.” 

Sonny was flashing his cockiest grin; Rafael had absolutely no trouble sneering at that, though he did hand over his keys a little too readily. Sonny snatched them up before Rafael could change his mind.

Finally, the night was looking better. Sonny would have a king-sized bed all to himself, and then Rafael would come home, and then Sonny would... probably be too exhausted to do anything about it, if he was even awake. 

Still, Sonny had to admit; sleeping next to Rafael – even in the literal sense – sounded like a pretty good way to end a pretty bad day.

Rafael looked like he had read Sonny’s mind – or, quite possibly, the dreamy expression on Sonny’s face. Reaching out, he touched Sonny’s jaw. He then started turning Sonny’s head, repositioning it like he might a mannequin’s. 

At first, Sonny thought Rafael was trying to better inspect his injuries; he was wrong.

“It’s hard to find a good angle, your face is all nose,” Rafael grumbled, and Sonny got the picture.

When it became clear that there was simply no good way to go about it, Rafael gave up with a sigh. He just leaned in and carefully placed a small kiss on the corner of Sonny’s lips. To Sonny, that felt even better than the real thing; it was fortunate that he had a possible mild concussion to later blame for such thoughts. 

Just as Rafael’s lips were leaving Sonny’s, the door to the locker room opened again.

The sound should have made them jump; instead, they both froze. Sonny was in too much pain to react at all, and Rafael was probably too stunned. They just stood there, eyes wide, faces barely an inch apart, as Fin stared in shock. 

Or, in what was probably shock but still registered more as ‘mild surprise’.

Fin raised both his eyebrows and his hands, and said, “Okay...” 

He sounded almost amused, which was understandable. There they were; Sonny all bloody and basically wearing a tank top, and Rafael looking like he had just come back from the Arctic, kissing in a police station locker room. Not their finest moment.

Fin stared at them for a while longer, eyes darting between them, possibly expecting them to say something, but neither Rafael nor Sonny dared to speak.

So Fin spoke again: “Uh, I got you another ice pack, Carisi.”

Once more, Sonny felt like hugging him.

But it was actually Rafael who stepped forward; he got the ice pack, and he handed it to a still dumbstruck Sonny, and he finally addressed Fin.

“Listen, Detective, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t–”

Fin stopped Rafael with a wave of his hand. “Don’t worry about it. It’s cool.”

“We…” Rafael still seemed unsure.

“I said it’s cool. It doesn’t leave this room,” said Fin, in a way that didn’t allow for arguments.

Now it was Rafael’s turn to say, “Okay”.

Sonny approved of that exchange 100%. ‘It’s cool’, ‘okay’. Problem solved. Of course, Sonny had seemingly lost the ability to speak, but that was a small price to pay. There was no doubt that Fin was taking it well, and that was pretty awesome. 

Also awesome? The fact that Rafael hadn’t freaked out, not much at least, nor had he denied everything. Sonny always wondered how Rafael would react if anybody found out about them, and he was happy to see that his predictions – or his fears, really – had been wrong.

In fact, Rafael had chosen to stand right next to Sonny, almost possessively. He was even partially shielding Sonny with his body – though, to be fair, that was probably just the huge jacket. Still, Rafael was standing by Sonny, literally and figuratively. And wasn’t that something?

Looking at the two of them with a little smile on his face, Fin said, “Alright,” and turned to leave.

Sonny warily turned to look at Rafael, who just raised his eyebrows.

Alright, indeed.

Just as Fin was walking out the door, he threw out a half-impressed, half-approving “Good for you.”

Sonny, holding the fresh ice pack to his face, finally found his voice.

“He totally meant you, Rafael. I’m way out of your league.”


	2. Cap & Gown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 months in. Sonny graduates.

This day had been a long time coming, and Sonny was finally ready. He was wearing his gown, his hood was in place, and he had even managed to put on his cap without totally ruining his hair – though taking it off would probably not leave his coif unscathed. 

Everything was going according to plan. Fortunately, the only potential snag had been easily avoided; Sonny had feared that the Sarge would deny his request for a few hours off, so he had pretty much begged her preemptively. Turns out, there had been no need to beg; Benson had been happy to oblige him, and she had even congratulated him.

Therefore, nothing stood between Sonny and his graduation ceremony. He had arrived early, like most of his buddies, and they were all offstage, waiting for their big moment. There were jokes, promises that everybody would stay in touch, discussions of post-graduation plans, not to mention discussions of more imminent drinking plans.

It was a nice little break for Sonny; because of the job, he was used to seeing people on their worst days. It was refreshing for him to be seeing so many happy people, all at once. And it felt even better to be one of them.

Especially because it hadn’t been that long since Sonny had gone through a rough patch. He had spent a long time feeling miserable. He had spent a long time doubting so many things; his place on the team, his abilities as an SVU detective, his social skills, his professional future, his fashion sense, his moustache. 

In fact, the one thing Sonny had never doubted back then, the one thing he’d been so sure of, had turned out to be completely untrue. Sonny always used to think that his ‘little’ ‘unrequited’ crush on a certain crotchety ADA would never amount to anything. 

Well, it had.

That’s how Sonny found himself at his law school graduation, with a steady job he loved, and in a burgeoning relationship with a guy he really liked – 3 months and counting. Not bad. Not bad at all.

The only downside was that Rafael couldn’t make it. On the upside, he had already promised Sonny a dinner date, later that evening, to celebrate the graduation plus their belated 3-month anniversary – and, OK, Rafael hadn’t said that last part out loud, but in Sonny’s mind he had. 

They had missed out on their actual 3-month anniversary dinner, about a week earlier, because Sonny had to work – and, OK, that hadn’t been an official anniversary dinner either, because apparently grownups didn’t celebrate monthly anniversaries, but still; in Sonny’s mind, there was a lot to celebrate.

Frankly, if you asked Sonny, the fact alone that he and Rafael had managed to spend 3 pleasant and uneventful months together, was deserving of major celebrations. Sonny always figured Rafael would get sick of him way sooner than that, but it seemed that the counselor had a higher threshold for putting up with loudmouths when he was sleeping with them.

Actually, that was wasn’t fair. Rafael didn’t put up with him; he seemed to actively enjoy spending time with Sonny. He’d always invite Sonny over, and he’d even visit Sonny’s tiny apartment – pretty frequently, in fact – and he’d take Sonny out on dates, and sometimes he’d look at Sonny for a little too long and, well.

Sonny didn’t want to overthink it – or jinx it – but, at the very least, a fancy dinner was in order. He just didn’t know when they’d be able to fit it in their schedule; after all, Sonny had barely been able to attend his own graduation.

Speaking of, after a not-so-brief wait, so that the graduates and the audience could all be seated, the ceremony began. Sonny, like everybody else, tuned out the speeches and started scanning the hall for his family. He had no doubt he’d hear them cheering when his name was called – Sonny’s sisters were  _loud_ – but he wanted to know where to look. 

A couple of minutes later, Sonny finally spotted Bella trying to get his attention. Their parents were sitting right next to her, looking proud as all get-out, and Tommy was there too, while Gina and Theresa, Sonny’s other two sisters, were off to the side, talking to some guy in a fancy suit who kind of looked like Rafael from that angl– 

Wait.

That  _was_ Rafael. 

Sonny would have considered that a sweet surprise, but he was too busy trying not to hyperventilate. 

What was Rafael doing there? Why was he sitting with Sonny’s family? And… no way. Was that Rollins with them? And Fin? What was going on? Was there some work emergency? Was there–

No. Sonny exhaled deeply and decided to just go with it. Not much he could do from where he was sitting, anyway. Not to mention, Sonny had worked hard for this day and he had waited a long time and he was determined to enjoy it. He’d worry about everything later. 

So, Sonny smiled and gave everybody a little wave. All his sisters and his mom waved back excitedly, while Rollins gave him an exaggerated thumbs-up that made him snicker. With some trepidation, Sonny looked at Rafael; all he got was a single raised eyebrow which, nonetheless, perfectly conveyed Rafael’s emotional state. 

~ ~ ~

When the ceremony was over, and after a truly inordinate amount of cheering and applause, Sonny made his way to his family. After being bombarded with hugs and kisses, he finally turned to Rollins and Fin. Rollins actually gave him a small hug too, which was sweet of her, and Fin patted him on the arm. 

Naturally, Sonny was saving Rafael for last; mostly because he couldn’t think of anything to say that didn’t sound totally weird. So, he figured he’d stall and hope for some last-minute inspiration.

Inspiration did not strike.

Instead, Sonny went with a joke: “Aw, guys, I know you’re happy for me and all, but you didn’t have to come! But, since you did, you could’ve brought a guy some flowers, you know?”

Rollins snorted; “Congratulations, Carisi. But I’m afraid you’re gonna have to cut the celebrations short; we caught a case and Sergeant Benson sent us to pick you up.”

The entire Carisi family started protesting in chorus, and a startled Rollins took an involuntary step back.

Sonny chuckled and said, “Come on ma, at least they didn’t pull me out of the ceremony.” 

As Sonny had hoped, his mom, the one who always set the tone at the Carisi household, got everyone to quiet down with a wave of her hand. 

Bella, following suit, said, “Yeah guys, Sonny has to work. It was nice of them to even wait for him, huh? Mr. Barba too, it was good seeing you again.”

Rafael, who still hadn’t said anything – presumably hoping that people would forget he was there – blinked a few times and then he glanced at Sonny. It was clear that he’d have to choose his next words very carefully.

“Yes, well, I was in the area,” – and, _wow,_ was that the best Rafael could do? Sonny wished he had made up an excuse himself – “and I figured I’d stop by, to show my support for the new lawyer on the team.”

Fin smirked all-too-knowingly, but Rollins gave Rafael a calculating look. She was probably wondering how the counselor had even found out about the date and time of Sonny’s graduation at all. That, or she was wondering why the hell Rafael would want to support Sonny in the first place. At any rate, Rafael’s next sentence had better be good.

“Now that there’s two of us, maybe we’ll finally be able to reason with the rest of you,” said Rafael with a forced smile. 

Yeah, that wasn’t funny, even if Sonny’s family politely tittered. And, even worse, it still didn’t explain anything.

Rollins didn’t seem to think so either; fortunately, Fin came to the rescue.

“Alright, Amanda, let’s get going. We’ll wait in the car. Carisi, you can say your goodbyes,” – and did Sonny love Fin or what? – “but don’t take too long, we gotta move.”

Fin and a noticeably suspicious Rollins left, while Rafael took advantage of their departure and managed to step off to the side undetected. Sonny assumed Rafael was trying to leave; in fact, he couldn’t figure out why Rafael hadn’t left with the others. 

Except Rafael wasn’t leaving. He had just walked toward a quieter corner, where he was half-hidden by a pillar, and he was waiting. To see Sonny.

Sonny tried not to grin as his family gathered around him and started taking pictures. A part of Sonny actually felt bad that Rafael couldn’t be in the pictures too, but the rest of him knew that he couldn’t exactly wave Rafael over.

Sonny was lucky enough as it was; his sisters were still too caught up in their excitement to pick up on anything unusual. The Carisi girls always had an eye for detail; especially when said detail involved Sonny’s love life. If they got wind of the fact Sonny was in a relationship, they would hound him incessantly, and then he’d have no choice but to fess up. Like he always did.

After about a million – sadly, Rafael-free – pictures, Sonny took off his graduation garb, handed everything to his mom, and kissed everybody goodbye. He did so a little too hastily, and he did kind of shoo his family away because ‘he had to work’, but at least he promised he’d make it up to them, take them all out to dinner soon. 

Not a minute after they left, and as the crowd had mostly cleared up, Sonny finally got to Rafael. 

Unsurprisingly, Rafael greeted him with a scoff. Sonny wanted to kiss that scoff away, but they were in public. So, instead, he just smiled and asked, “What happened?”

Rafael went off.

“What happened? Let me tell you what _didn’t_ happen. I _didn’t_ sneak in just to see you for a minute and I most certainly _didn’t_ manage to escape unnoticed.”

Sonny tried to interrupt but, apparently, Rafael wasn’t done.

“I mean, I thought I would get your attention, you would surreptitiously join me, we would have a nice little moment to ourselves, and then I’d be on my way, no harm done.”

Trying not to laugh at Rafael’s obvious irritation, Sonny said, “Well, we  _are_ having a nice little moment.”

“Yeah. You’re right, Sonny!” And Rafael _so_ didn’t mean that. “Of course, I wasn’t counting on your whole family plus Fin and Rollins to see me here, but yes, this _is_ nice.” 

Sonny ignored the sarcasm and asked, “Why were you sitting with my family, anyway?”

Rafael stared at Sonny before he deadpanned, “I asked them to join me, obviously.”

It was now Sonny’s turn to scoff.

Rafael finally toned down the sass and explained.

“Your sister, Bella, she saw me and walked right up to me, asked me to sit with them. I couldn’t say no. And then she spotted Rollins too, who, by the way, did not buy any of my excuses. Thank God for Fin distracting her. And then, one of your scary sisters made a family of 6 switch seats, so we could all sit together.”

Sonny laughed, until Rafael said, “Oh, and I’m pretty sure your other scary sister was trying to hit on me.”

Sonny valiantly resisted the urge to say something like ‘I don’t blame her’ or ‘well, us Carisis do have good taste’. 

Instead, he said, “Yeah, that was probably Theresa. I’m sorry,” and then he smiled apologetically.

Rafael sighed and muttered, “It’s OK. Your parents were nice.”

Sonny tried to contain his giddiness. He was really getting the hang of this; Rafael always got extra snappy when he was annoyed, but that never lasted too long. Especially if Sonny flashed him a sweet smile. That always softened Rafael right up.

Unfortunately, Sonny couldn’t stay to enjoy the moment; “I gotta go, Rafi, I’m late, Rollins and Fin are waiting.” 

Rafael gave him a side-eye, but he also cracked a tiny smile. Sonny had started using the nickname teasingly at first, after he had overheard Rafael’s mom using it over the phone. In all honesty, Sonny kept using it mostly because he loved Rafael’s reaction; it was a perfect blend of fondness, irritation and amusement.

With a smile still on his face, Sonny headed for the exit, but Rafael stopped him. He tugged at Sonny’s arm and pulled him a little closer. Sonny shamelessly leaned in; there was almost no one else there, no one he or Rafael knew, anyway, and maybe–

“Just let me fix your hair, it’s a mess.”

Oh well. Worth a shot.

Rafael reached up, briefly standing on his tiptoes, until he impatiently grabbed Sonny’s shoulders and pushed down. Sonny, always obedient, bent his knees a little and Rafael got to work.

When Rafael was done – or when he gave up, it was unclear – he stroked Sonny’s cheek with his thumb, just for a second, and he said, “I’m proud of you.”

Sonny beamed.

Hearing Rafael say those words had long been a fantasy of his. Not even a sexual fantasy; or, well, not  _just_ a sexual fantasy. 

Sonny had always yearned for Rafael’s approval, since the beginning, when they were only colleagues. Sonny always fantasized that, someday, he would get to do something particularly impressive, and Rafael would begrudgingly compliment him; though he knew that hearing those specific words would be a long shot.

Well, Sonny couldn’t have been more wrong. Because he and Rafael were not just colleagues anymore; they were together. And Rafael had actually said, word for word, ‘I’m proud of you’. And he had said it with a little smile and a soft look, both of which betrayed his affection for Sonny. 

Unfortunately, Rafael seemed like he realized that too. Belatedly. That he had maybe shown a little too much fondness. Sonny knew he was in for a comedown.

Indeed, Rafael rolled his eyes and snapped, “Whatever, Sonny, I’m outta here,” as if that could erase the way he had looked at Sonny a few seconds earlier. 

Rafael turned to leave but, to Sonny’s eternal amusement, he turned back around and added, “I’ll see you tonight,” as if Sonny could forget.

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Sonny replied, his patented dopey grin firmly in place.

Shaking his head in feigned irritation, Rafael left for good this time, walking away at a  _very_ brisk pace. One of these days; one of these days, Rafael would stop feeling like he had to follow every display of emotion with a cranky comment. Sonny was sure of it.

Still grinning, Sonny walked toward the exit. 

Correction: still grinning, Sonny walked into Rollins.

Rollins, who looked like she had seen a ghost. Sonny’s grin died on his face. She had totally seen him with Rafael. 

_Crap._

Sonny, experiencing déjà vu, chose to say nothing. He did at least try to school his features into an expression that didn’t scream ‘abject terror’, but he wasn’t very successful. Fin knowing was one thing. He had never once teased Sonny; not before and not after he had found out about him and Rafael. But Rollins? Who teased him all the time? Oh man.

Speaking of Rollins, she was visibly rattled as she grabbed Sonny by the arm and dragged him to another corner.

“Are you kidding me with this, Carisi?” she whisper-shouted. “You and Barba?”

Sonny couldn’t deny it; that would only make things worse. So he just winced and said, “Yes?”

It didn’t seem possible, but her expression got even more incredulous, and her voice got even higher: “I thought he hated you!”

Sonny honestly replied, “Yeah, so did I.”

Rollins gave him a long, hard look, eyes squinting.

“Yeah right. Is the whole thing an act? Is this why he’s always making fun of you? To throw us off the scent?”

Even in his state of semi-panic, Sonny couldn’t hold in a snort.

“Um, I’m pretty sure he’s genuinely making fun of me. I just… We, uh…”

Rollins thankfully interrupted him.

“Wait, come to think of it, Barba hasn’t _really_ made fun of you in a while, not like before. Now it’s all softball insults, before he used to ride you pretty hard.”

To his credit, Sonny managed to hold his tongue. Barely.

Rollins stood there, eyeing him, clearly trying to put the pieces together.

“How did this even happen, Carisi? I mean, spare me the details, but how? And _when?_ How long has this been going on?”

Sonny wished Rollins wasn’t so inquisitive by nature. Why couldn’t she have been more like Fin? Why couldn’t she have just said ‘OK’?

With a sigh, Sonny answered, “About 3 months.”

“3 months? And I didn’t pick up on it? I’m losing my touch,” Rollins joked, and Sonny’s chest loosened up a little. 

Risking a wary smile, he said, “Don’t beat yourself up. It was a while before I picked up on it too, and it was happening to me.”

“Hold on, Barba hit on _you?_ I thought for sure you’d have worn him down, after months and months of begging and groveling.”

Sonny pursed his lips; “Hey, just ‘cause you can’t appreciate my charms, Rollins…”

Rollins cracked up, and her expression softened. 

“Man. _Barba._ He’s gotta be a handful, huh?”

In a weird way, Sonny appreciated that Rollins wasn’t just messing with him; that she was jokingly dissing Rafael too. Sonny knew this was her way of being nice to him –and, yeah, that spoke volumes about their relationship. 

“He’s not that bad,” he said quietly.

Rollins raised an eyebrow; “Yeah, I’ll bet.”

Sonny looked at her for a split second, eyes wide, and this time they both cracked up. 

Still smiling, Rollins said, “I gotta hand it to you, Carisi, y’all sure know how to keep a low profile. Unlike me and Nick.”

Sonny’s eyes snapped up. Rollins had never admitted to that before, even though she obviously knew that Sonny had figured it out. God knows he had interrupted her and Amaro enough times – by accident, of course. He had even called them out, sort of, back when he still didn’t know when to shut up. 

Sure, it took her basically catching Sonny and Rafael in the act, but still. Rollins was opening up, and she didn’t have to. She had found out his secret, and she was sharing hers. Sonny was almost touched.

Rollins was staring at him, playing it cool, but Sonny could tell she was a little tense, and he didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable.

“It’s not that, Amanda. It’s just that some of us are more observant than others. Better detectives, you know? We see things other people can’t,” he teased.

“On what planet, Carisi?” she teased back, but she did let out a relieved chuckle.

Sonny grinned.

“You could actually learn a lot from me, Rollins, I’m very subtle,” – and now she was full-on laughing, which, rude. “What? You saw how good I am at keeping my feelings to myself.”

Rollins zeroed in on that immediately; “Wait,  _feelings?_ Seriously?”

Oops.

“And here I thought you were just Barba’s boy toy.” 

Sonny frowned; maybe he should have messed with Rollins when he had the chance. Why had he even bothered being nice? If she was gonna say stuff like th–

“But then, he did come to your graduation. And he did sit with your folks. You don’t suffer through that for nothing, no offense.” 

Rollins was smiling, but Sonny was still frowning a little. It was fine when he was the one being teased, but he was apparently a little touchy – touchier than he would have liked – when it came to his relationship with Rafael.

“Look, Rollins, I already got 3 sisters to bust my chops, alright? I don’t need a fourth.”

“Like I can hold a candle to your sisters. They make me look like an amateur,” she joked and, dammit, Sonny had to struggle to hold back a laugh. He hated that he always fell for her ribbing. And he also hated how quickly he always got over it, because Rollins always knew what to say.

Case in point; with a smile that was nicer than it had to be, Rollins gently said, “I didn’t mean anything by that, Carisi. For what it’s worth, back there, it looked like Barba was pretty sweet on you.”

That was enough to make Sonny feel better. Much better. 

Still, he rolled his eyes and griped, “Like you’d know. You hadn’t even noticed anything this whole time.”

Rollins chuckled again, visibly pleased that Sonny wasn’t annoyed anymore. She gave him a friendly nudge and said, “Come on, let’s get going. Fin might get suspicious.”

It was a little late for that, but Sonny chose to keep that little tidbit to himself. The last thing he needed was for those two to start talking about him and Rafael.

Sonny just had to ask one more thing: “Wait, Amanda, you’re not gonna say anything, right?”

Rollins gave him a stern look, like she was offended that he had even asked.

“Of course not, Carisi,” she replied, and then she took off before Sonny could thank her.

Which was a good thing; because, a couple of seconds later, when Amanda was at a safe distance, she finished her thought.

“No one would believe me, anyway.”


	3. Baby Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 months in. Sonny becomes an uncle.

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and Rafael was working. The only upside was that he was at home, but he was working all the same; he was prepping for a case, as he always seemed to be, and he had documents and folders strewn all over his couch.

He was looking at a late night and, after that, he had Monday morning to look forward to. But that wasn’t even the worst part; the worst part was that he couldn’t focus.

Rafael couldn’t focus because those stacks of papers weren’t the only things casually draped over his living room furniture. In fact, Rafael’s favorite armchair was currently occupied by a certain detective who, as of late, seemed to have claimed it as his own. A certain detective who was supposed to just sit in a corner and read his novel quietly.

To be fair, that’s exactly what Sonny was doing. But, in Rafael’s defense, he hadn’t counted on that activity being so distracting. 

Sonny was lounging, a book somehow balanced on his lean stomach, long legs somehow tucked in under him, with 2 days’ worth of stubble and hair free of product, and he was wearing a hoodie and loose sweatpants - if only because Rafael had banned basketball shorts from his residence. 

Rafael was still getting used to how different, how scruffy, how unpolished, how comfortable, how at home Sonny looked when he was like this. But, even so, there was no reason for scruffy Sonny to be that distracting.

It wasn’t like this was a new occurrence; Sonny stayed over at Rafael’s apartment all the time, especially on the weekends. And, since Rafael sometimes worked on Sundays, usually to get a head start on particularly hectic weeks, this meant that he and Sonny spent a lot of hours together, but doing different things. 

For the record, Rafael refused to question why Sonny didn’t just leave. Why Sonny stuck around, even when Rafael started breaking out the case files. Why Sonny still stayed over, even when Rafael was too tired to do anything but sleep. Why Sonny was content to silently read in Rafael’s living room, instead of going back to his own place.

All Rafael knew was that he liked having Sonny around; and that, maybe, Sonny felt the same.

It had become their thing; Rafael would work in the living room, because he liked the open space, and Sonny would hang around, usually with a book in his hand. 

That said, Sonny’s leisurely activities at Rafael’s apartment didn’t just involve books. Sonny would sometimes watch TV in the bedroom; usually whatever sporting event he could find, favoring baseball and settling for hockey. Or he’d do the laundry; his own laundry, which Rafael still pretended to be annoyed over, but secretly kind of liked. Or, sometimes, Sonny would just laze around on his laptop – which now had a designated outlet, and when had  _that_ happened?

Unfortunately, these activities were a little more intrusive. Sonny would yell at the refs every few minutes, or he would strut around in Rafael’s underwear, chirping ‘it’s laundry day’ when confronted, like that explained anything. OK, so Rafael didn’t mind that  _too_ much, but still, it was terribly disruptive. 

And the laptop? The laptop was the worst. Sonny would constantly interrupt Rafael to show him dumb videos or to inform him of some global catastrophe or, even worse, to share the latest Carisi family gossip; Sonny’s facebook feed was truly terrifying. 

That’s why Rafael far preferred it when Sonny read one of his books. Sonny would go totally quiet, save for maybe a chuckle or two, and he’d stay still for hours on end. Granted, he did always commandeer Rafael’s armchair, but that was a small concession to make; when Sonny read, Rafael could actually get some work done without any distractions. 

At least in theory.

In reality, Sonny was somehow more distracting when he was perfectly still. Maybe because that was so rare. Or, maybe, Rafael could just admit that it wasn’t Sonny who was distracting him; not directly, anyway. Rafael was being distracted by his own thoughts.

Rafael and Sonny had been together for over 4 months already. Which was a pretty short amount of time, except it felt a lot longer. Especially because it wasn’t just the 4 months; before they had gotten together, they had spent an additional 4 months dancing around each other, getting closer at an infuriatingly slow pace, almost despite themselves. 

As a result, Rafael often felt like he had spent the previous 8 months of his life constantly thinking about Sonny. And how strange was that?

Not very strange at all, Rafael supposed, as he continued to ignore his work in favor of idly gazing at Sonny. Sonny, perhaps sensing Rafael’s eyes on him, picked that very moment to yawn. How romantic.

Just as Rafael was cautiously contemplating the future, something he had been doing more and more of, particularly on those quiet Sundays, Sonny’s phone went off. Sonny reached for it as Rafael shuffled some papers, in an attempt to look like he had been working instead of daydreaming.

After about 2 seconds, Sonny leapt out of his armchair – no, he leapt out of  _Rafael’s_ armchair.

“Wait, wait, wait, Bella, slow down. Do you have a ride?”

Rafael looked up, finally having an excuse to stop ‘working’. 

“You’re not at home? Where are you?

“OK, I can pick you up… No, it won’t take too long, I’m n… No, Bella, I’m not at my place either, I’m pretty close to you. I can be there in, like, 10 minutes. Do you have your stuff?

“Don’t worry, I’ll call Theresa, she’ll get everything, she’ll meet us at the hospital.

“Yeah, I’ll be right there. Just do your breathing, alright? Everything’s gonna be fine.”

Rafael got on his feet just as Sonny hung up with a huge grin on his face.

“Bella’s water broke! She’s freaking out ‘cause she isn’t due for another week and Tommy’s working outside the city, but I got her to calm down. I gotta go!”

Rafael watched as Sonny ran to the bedroom, probably to grab something from the closet; the closet, where Rafael now let Sonny keep some of his clothes, because drawers weren’t really the best place to store suits and Sonny had to keep some of his suits there, for work emergencies, and– 

Rafael shook himself; this was not the time. Sonny was finally about to become an uncle. 

Rafael’s mind went to that day, almost 7 months earlier, when Sonny first told him that Bella was pregnant. When Sonny offered him cannoli in celebration. When Rafael noticed Sonny looking sad, and decided to cheer him up. When Rafael badgered Sonny into sprouting off enough legalese to earn his praise. 

Rafael’s mind went to that day, almost 7 months earlier, when he felt happy because he made Sonny smile. That day, when Sonny started having feelings for Rafael; more serious feelings, as he later admitted.

In a weird way, Rafael wanted to see it through. Bella’s pregnancy.

It didn’t feel right, him staying at home while Sonny was running off, on his own – well, with his family, but still – and becoming an uncle. Rafael genuinely wanted to go with him, to support Sonny, to help out; and ‘helpful’ was a rare mood for Rafael to be in, especially when babies were involved.

There was just one problem; Bella didn’t know about him and Sonny. And, while it wasn't that strange for a colleague to attend a graduation, Rafael was pretty sure there was no way he could tag along for an actual childbirth as ‘just a friend’. Unless they… 

Well, unless they told her.

The more Rafael thought about it, the more he liked the idea. Why not tell Bella? Or, rather, why not let her figure it out? When she’d be too distracted by her own newborn to properly react? Plus, she and Sonny were really close, and she had met Rafael a few times, and she’d always seemed nice enough. Why not let her in on the secret?

True, they hadn’t really talked about going public, not widely; they had only told their respective circles of friends. Sonny had been the one to casually suggest it, saying that his buddies were all wondering where he kept disappearing off to, and Rafael had surprised him – and himself – by immediately agreeing. 

It just seemed more practical, and it made sense, and Rafael was way too old to be playing hide and seek. That was all. Not like Rafael wanted people to know. Not like he had been eager to show Sonny off. 

Anyway, it had gone over surprisingly well; Sonny could be very charming when he wanted to, and the vast majority of Rafael’s friends had immediately taken a liking to him, especially the women. 

And Sonny’s friends weren’t a gaggle of 20-somethings as Rafael had feared. Night school meant that Sonny had some older friends too, so Rafael hadn’t felt terribly out of place on his first night out with them. In fact, he had felt kind of like a celebrity; Sonny wasn’t the only Fordham Law graduate who admired him, apparently. 

In other words, going semi-public had worked out pretty well for them. Why not take it one step further?

As Rafael was considering all of this, Sonny came out of the bedroom, now wearing jeans and a jacket, all ready to go. 

“Why don’t I drive you?” Rafael said nonchalantly.

Sonny paused mid-step; “What?”

“I’ll drive you. It’ll be easier for you to help your sister if you don’t have to focus on the road. Where is she?”

“Uh, she’s not far from here. She was at the multiplex with a friend, and she took a walk afterwards, for the exercise, that’s probably why she… Rafael, are you sure? I mean, we haven’t told Bella yet…”

“I _said_ I’ll drive you.” 

Rafael had made up his mind, and hearing Sonny’s ‘yet’ had reaffirmed his decision. ‘Yet’ meant that Sonny wanted to tell Bella eventually. Well, no time like the present.

Sonny was looking at Rafael in confusion. Which, in truth, was a perfectly logical reaction; telling a few friends was a far cry from telling family members. Unfortunately, they didn’t have time to discuss that at length. 

“Come on Sonny, we shouldn’t be wasting time.”

Sonny snapped out of it, though he still looked a little wary as he said, “OK, OK, let’s go.”

~ ~ ~

It only took them about 9 minutes to get to Bella – 9 minutes which Sonny spent on the phone. They spotted her immediately; she was sitting at an outdoor café, a small crowd fussing over her, and she seemed more than a little distressed. Sonny jumped out of the car to get her, and she was visibly relieved when she saw him.

Rafael spared a moment to consider the upholstery in his car; and then he spared a few more moments to chastise himself, because what kind of person would think that at a time like this?

Sonny got Bella in the back seat, not without some effort, and he helped her get as comfortable as possible; which, in her condition, was still pretty uncomfortable.

“How are you feeling, Bella? Are you having contractions yet?”

Her extended grunt was answer enough for Sonny.

“Good, good, that means you’re already in labor and they won’t have to induce.”

Bella gave Sonny a side-eye so strong that it stopped Rafael’s own impending side-eye in its tracks. Rafael was impressed.

“Thank you doctor, now can you get me to the hospital?” she snapped.

Rafael chuckled as he started the car. Sonny shot him a small glance and turned back to Bella, making sure that she was doing her breathing exercises and that she wasn’t panicking.

“I called Theresa, she’ll swing by your place and get your stuff, and then she’ll meet us at the hospital, she won’t be long. Mom and Dad are getting ready to head out now. Gina is out of town but she said she’ll try to cut her trip short, whatever that means. And I talked to Tommy too, he said he told his boss and he’s already on his way. He’ll be a couple of hours but he’s gonna make it in time for sure, don’t worry.”

“How do you know? I’ll probably have the baby on my own and he still won’t…”

“No way, this is your first baby. The average duration of labor for the first child is, like, 8 hours. He’ll be here with time to spare, Bella, I’m telling you. Don’t worry.”

Rafael looked at Sonny with a mixture of pride and fondness; as it turned out, his little stats-slash-factoids actually came in handy once in a while, because Bella looked appeased. And grateful. Either that, or her contractions had temporarily eased.

“Thanks Sonny,” she said sweetly, earning a smile from her brother that was even sweeter, at least in Rafael’s opinion.

“Thanks for calling everybody, too, taking care of everything,” Bella added. “What would I do without you? And thanks for driving me. Um.”

There it was.

Sonny winced in anticipation of Bella’s next words, as Rafael momentarily lost his nerve. He actually found himself hoping for another contraction to distract Bella, and then he felt like a terrible person again.

“I guess I should be thanking _you_ , Mr. Barba. It’s really nice of you to help us again, I really appreciate it. Uh. Were you out with Sonny? Were you guys out having a beer or something?”

Sonny offhandedly replied, “Nah, we were working on a case.”

Rafael’s head spun so fast he got whiplash.

Bella, naturally, found Sonny’s answer a little strange; “In your jeans? Plus, it’s Sunday.”

“Nothing gets past you, Bella,” Sonny deadpanned, but he still offered no further explanation.

Just then, another contraction hit. Rafael was relieved, and he didn’t even feel guilty about it. Because, while Bella was writhing and moaning in pain, Rafael was determined to get Sonny’s attention and figure out what was going on.

“Why are you lying, Sonny?” whispered Rafael, as soon as Sonny made eye contact.

Sonny frowned; “What do you mean? What am I supposed to say?”

Rafael wasn’t sure what was happening; did Sonny not want to tell Bella? Had Rafael been presumptuous? Did Sonny need more time? Was that what he had meant by ‘yet’?

Still, Rafael persisted: “You’re supposed to tell her the truth.”

Sonny’s eyebrows jumped; “What? You want me to… you don’t mind if I tell her the truth?”

Oh boy. Now it was all starting to make sense.

Checking the rearview mirror to make sure Bella was still in agony – and, OK, he did feel a little guilty this time – Rafael asked, “Are you lying to your sister about us because you think that’s what I want?”

“Of course! Why else would I… Wait, so, you _don’t_ want that?”

“Not really,” said a very relieved Rafael.

Sonny gaped.

“Are you kidding? Why didn’t you say something sooner? I’ve been dying to tell Bella we’re together.”

Silence fell on the inside of the car.

Complete silence.

Because Bella’s contractions had halted; she was no longer grunting, she was no longer exhaling audibly and, more importantly, she was no longer distracted. She had heard Sonny’s last few words, loud and clear.

Well. That wasn’t quite how Rafael had planned it. 

Neither he nor Sonny dared to look at Bella. They just stared at each other, matching looks of surprise on their faces.

A few seconds later, they heard an excited declaration from the backseat.

“I knew it!”

Rafael had to try extra hard to keep his head facing forward – he was driving, after all – as Sonny turned back to look at his sister.

“What did you know? You didn’t know anything,” Sonny said, and he looked almost offended at the notion that his poker face was not as strong as he thought.

“I knew it,” repeated Bella. “The way you always talk about him? _The counselor this_ , and _the counselor that_ , and _he’s so smart_ , and _he won another case_ , and _his suits are so nice_. Come on, Sonny.”

To Rafael’s delight, Sonny blushed. It had been a while.

“Yeah, so?” said Sonny defensively. “Maybe I just had a crush.”

Bella raised an eyebrow; Rafael liked her even more.

“Right. That’s why he came to your graduation. And that’s why he freaked out when I went up to him. Oh, and that’s why, when you got up there, he looked more proud than our _mother._ ”

Had Rafael said that he liked Bella? He was taking that back.

Sonny looked at Rafael and grinned. Rafael, to his shame, pretended he was too busy watching the road to react.

Bella earnestly said, “I’m happy for you guy… aaaaaaah.”

Oh. Right. She was in labor.

Sonny tried to keep her calm: “Don’t worry Bella, we’re almost there! We’re like, 5 minutes away.”

Bella breathed her way through the contraction; Sonny breathed with her – which Rafael found adorable – until it was over.

She had barely stopped grunting for a couple of sesconds, when she spoke again.

“So, Mr. Barba, you’re the guy that Sonny’s been seeing these past, what, 4, 5 months? You’re the reason he stopped moping?”

Oh she was good. Observant. And determined; not even labor pains could stop her from getting the scoop.

“Call me Rafael,” was all he could say. Coward.

“OK, _Rafael_. So, you’re the guy that we weren’t allowed to meet?”

Rafael glanced at Sonny, who looked a little sheepish, and then he met Bella’s eyes in the rearview mirror. He liked that she was sticking up for her brother; that she was checking to see if, maybe, Rafael thought the Carisis were beneath him, or something. 

“Actually, Bella, there was a miscommunication. Sonny thought that I didn’t… that I wasn’t ready to meet you. But I was. I am. That’s why I’m here.”

Sonny looked at Rafael again, but he said nothing.

Bella smiled, satisfied with that answer; “Alright. Remember you said that when the rest of our family gets here.”

Rafael’s eyes widened. He hadn’t thought everything through, apparently.

Sonny came to his rescue.

“OK, guys, if you keep yapping away like that we’re gonna miss the hospital. Rafael, focus. Bella, you can interrogate him later, jeez.”

Getting to the hospital only took a few more minutes. Sonny flagged down a nurse who brought a wheelchair. As she took Bella to a room, Sonny and Rafael stayed behind so that Sonny could give her insurance information.

Then, they both made their way to Bella’s room; but, before Sonny could join his sister, he took Rafael by the forearm and pulled him aside.

“Thanks for driving us, Rafi, but you might wanna head home, she’s probably gonna be a while. I’ll call you when–”

Rafael interrupted him: “I’m not going anywhere, Sonny.” He’d gotten  _that_ far, and he’d see it through. 

Sonny’s smile was blinding as he teased, “Are you sure? If you go now, you can avoid running into the rest of the Carisis.”

Rafael just had to ask; “Yeah, what’s this I hear about your family not being allowed to meet me? You never asked me.”

Sonny smiled again, and this time it was one of his knowing smiles, one of those smiles that Rafael felt deep in his chest.

“Well, you’re about to meet my niece.”

So he was.

Sonny squeezed his forearm and happily said, “OK, I’ll go in and you can wait here, alright? I’ll let you know if anything happens.”

Rafael nodded and watched as Sonny bounced inside the room; he then took a seat and thanked his lucky stars that his phone was fully charged. 

~ ~ ~

Not 20 minutes later, Sonny’s sister Theresa came rushing through the entrance, carrying what was obviously Bella’s bag. Except she stopped in her tracks when she saw Rafael.

“Oh, hi Mr. Barba, nice to see you again. Thanks for driving Bella over.”

Rafael narrowed his eyes; he couldn’t remember if Sonny had told her that over the phone.

“And, um…” Theresa stepped closer; “I’m sorry about, you know. Hitting on you. On Sonny’s graduation. I didn’t know.”

As she gave him a conspiratorial look, Rafael wondered if they allowed women in labor to use their cell phones. How had she found out?

“It’s fine, Theresa, don’t worry about it,” he said, a little spooked.

“Yeah, I should have known, me and Sonny always had the same taste in men.”

Rafael smiled politely. A part of him thought this was totally inappropriate. But another part of him wished he’d had a few supportive sisters too, when  _he_ was growing up.

“Hey, at least you're dating one of us, right?” she joked, and then she literally winked at him. 

“Anyway, I gotta go inside. I’ll tell Sonny you said hi.”

And, just like that, she was gone.

Rafael was speechless. It appeared that having no filter was a Carisi family trait. No wonder Sonny was so uncouth. And so open. And so fun. 

~ ~ ~

About an hour later, Rafael saw Sonny’s parents approaching. Unfortunately, he didn’t know where they ranked in the Carisi family phone tree, so he wasn’t sure if they had found out yet. 

On the other hand, he  _was_ sitting outside their daughter’s delivery room for no apparent reason. And Sonny always talked about how they had been really supportive when he had come out as bisexual, and how they were so great, and so loving and, oh, to hell with it.

Rafael stood up, smiled and greeted them.

“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Carisi. I don’t know if you remember me, we met at Sonny’s graduation. I’m Rafael Barba, Sonny’s boyfriend.”

Dominick Carisi Sr. shook Rafael’s hand cordially, returning the greeting.

Sonny’s mom grinned and said, “Yes, we know, Theresa told us.”

Rafael barely suppressed a laugh.

Sonny’s dad didn’t even bother. Cracking up, he said, “Can you believe them? News travels at the speed of light in our family. I didn’t even think you were allowed to use a cell phone in hospitals.”

This time Rafael let out a chuckle. 

“Now, if you’ll excuse us, Rafael, we gotta go see our baby girl having her baby girl,” Sonny’s dad said and, with a huge smile, he headed inside. 

Sonny’s mom, for some reason, made sure to gently pat Rafael on the arm before she went in.

Huh.

It seemed like warmth was also a Carisi family trait. No wonder Sonny was so affectionate. And so caring. And so kind.

~ ~ ~

A long,  _long,_ while later, just as Rafael was wondering if Sonny was planning on coming out any time soon – not to mention, how many people were in Bella’s hospital room, anyway? Wasn’t there some sort of limit? – he saw Tommy running toward him.

Just like all the others, Tommy stopped to greet Rafael.

Briefly.

“Oh, hi man, nice to hear about you and Sonny! I’ll just go in, wish me luck.”

Rafael couldn’t even feign surprise.

Fortunately, a couple of minutes later, Sonny emerged from the room.

“How’s it looking in there?” asked Rafael, patting the seat next to him.

Plopping down on the chair, Sonny replied, “She’s doing great! She doesn’t want an epidural so it’s been a little rough but she’s hanging in there. Everything’s going fine.”

Sonny looked so excited. And so happy. It was a good look. And, as Rafael realized almost abruptly, it was a look that he had been seeing on Sonny’s face for some time.

“Good. I’m glad.”

“So…” and, dammit, Sonny was grinning and he was clearly about to say something annoyingly sweet.

“What?” Rafael snapped.

“Did you just introduce yourself to my parents as ‘my boyfriend’?”

Sonny looked… so excited and so happy. Like a kid on Christmas morning. Almost like Rafael’s little statement was the source of his happiness, and not the imminent birth of his very first niece. Or, OK, maybe it was a little of both. Like, 70/30.

“I did. But, apparently, they had already received the Carisi news bulletin, so my declaration was pointless.”

“It wasn’t pointless,” whispered Sonny, and he had the sweetest look on his face.

Rafael smiled. It was all he could do, when Sonny was looking at him like that.

“By the way, Sonny, you should know that your sister apologized for stepping on your turf, and Tommy gave me his blessing.”

Sonny chuckled.

“Yeah, that sounds about right. I’m pretty sure Bella sent a mass text from the car, literally while she was having a contraction. She’s always been really dedicated to not minding her own business.”

“Well, no harm done,” Rafael said. “They were all very welcoming. Supportive. I’m… glad you have that.”

Sonny bit his lip and nodded. Rafael appreciated that Sonny didn’t say anything. But, more than that, he appreciated that Sonny reached out and squeezed his hand. 

“Sorry I left you on your own this whole time, you must’ve been bored out of your mind. I’ll wait out here with you until the baby comes.”

Rafael tried to protest, but Sonny waved him off; “Nah it’s fine, Bella’s not gonna miss me, Tommy’s in there now.”

Things were looking up. Rafael would at least get to spend some time alone with Sonny; sure, they were outside a delivery room, in a semi-busy hospital corridor, but it was better than nothing. 

Except ‘alone’ lasted for about a minute; because, right then, Sonny’s dad came out of the room too.

Sonny, who was still holding Rafael’s hand, did not pull away, not even an inch. To his own surprise, neither did Rafael. 

“You boys mind if I join you? I got exiled, apparently only 3 people can be in the room during the actual birth and I was voted off the island.”

Rafael could already see the similarities; Dominick Sr.’s jokes were a little more outdated, but the overall affability was unmistakably Sonny-like.

“It’s happening already? Has she started pushing?” Sonny asked eagerly. 

“Yes, it shouldn’t be long now; we’re in the final stretch, no pun intended.”

Sonny and his dad both cracked up as Rafael shook his head. Sonny never stood a chance. His entire family was inappropriate, and nosey, and loud, and crass, and… And hilarious, and honest, and loving.

Sonny’s dad spoke again; “I hope I didn’t interrupt you two, I waited a few m–” 

A pointed look, courtesy of Sonny, stopped him from finishing that sentence. 

Rafael smirked. Sonny had apparently asked for a minute alone with him before Dad joined the party. A minute Sonny had used to ask Rafael about that whole ‘boyfriend’ business. And wasn’t that cute?

“It’s fine, I could certainly use the company,” Rafael said sincerely, and he was rewarded with two strikingly similar smiles. 

As they waited, Rafael began bracing himself for an interrogation. He wasn’t expecting anything too personal, but he was at least expecting some vague questions.

Dominick Sr., however, seemed content to make small talk; he mostly asked about the drive over – was Bella too stressed, did Sonny make sure to help with her breathing, was there traffic – and he also asked about their Sunday.

Rafael took on that question, simply saying, “Just a quiet day in.”

Sonny squeezed his hand again.

“Yeah, until Bella called me and ruined it. I’d finally gotten around to starting that book mom recommended, the one about–”

Just then, Tommy came running out.

“It’s a girl! Well, we already knew that, but still, it’s a girl! Come on in!”

Dominick Sr. and Dominick Jr. simultaneously leapt out off their seats. 

Rafael hesitated, even as Sonny took him by the elbow; “I don’t think I should–”

But Tommy wouldn’t have it: “No way! You helped me a lot, and you drove Bella over, and you waited this whole time, and you’re with Sonny. You’re coming in.”

Sonny grinned and patted Tommy on the back, clearly in a rush to get in and see the baby. In turn, Sonny’s dad patted a moderately flustered Rafael on the shoulder, and they all went inside. 

One of the nurses balked at the fact there were now 3 more people in the room, instructing them to stay only for a couple of minutes at the very most. Rafael was absolutely fine with that.

In fact, Rafael was almost too hung up on ‘you’re with Sonny’ to get excited about the baby.

Almost.

Because the newest addition to Sonny’s family was adorable. She was a tiny lil’ thing, she was bald, and she had those – in her case, literal – baby blues that all the Carisis apparently shared. 

Bella was beaming, tired but unmistakably happy, and she was holding her; ‘her’ because, as Sonny’s dad had explained while they were waiting, there was a dispute about the baby’s name, some kind of argument between the two grandmothers, and they were going to figure it out later. 

Rafael tried his best to remain unaffected, but it was hard, what with all the happy tears going around. 

“Wanna hold her?” Bella asked Sonny.

Sonny jumped at the chance. He took the baby, making sure to support the head – though it would have been hard for him to forget, seeing as a trio of Italian women yelled it out simultaneously – and then he cooed. 

Rafael’s chest started doing funny things. There was an errant heartbeat – or three – and a few stomach flips and a general feeling of warmth. And there was also a distinct lack of another feeling, one Rafael had been expecting; dread. Rafael had never been a baby person, the idea always sort of scared him. He hadn’t really thought about… 

Well, he was thinking about  _it_ now. Maybe Sonny’s baby skills would make up for Rafael’s own shortcomings – actual or perceived. Sonny was so good with Noah, Liv herself always said it, and he always treated children so delicately on SVU cases, and he looked so happy and so natural holding his little niece and–

Oh God.

This was why Rafael hated babies. OK, he didn’t really hate them, but still; babies were evil. Rafael was having baby-related thoughts about his boyfriend of 4 months. And he needed to snap out of it.  _Fast._

Thankfully – blessedly – that nurse from before returned to usher them out. Perfect timing. Sonny handed the baby back to Bella and everybody but Tommy left the room, giving Rafael enough time to come back to his senses. 

Even though it was already about 2 A.M., the happy grandparents decided to stay a little longer. But, since Sonny, Rafael and Theresa all had to work in just a few hours, everyone started saying their goodbyes.

“It was good of you to stick around, Mr. Barba,” said Theresa. “Sonny’s a lucky guy.”

“Yeah, yeah, thanks Theresa, bye now,” deadpanned Sonny as he took her by the hand, playfully tugging her away.

Theresa laughed, kissed Sonny on the cheek and turned to leave.

But not before she looked at Rafael and threw out a casual, “Don’t be a stranger!”

Rafael laughed despite himself, as did both of Sonny’s parents. 

“Don’t mind Theresa,” said Sonny’s mom with a smile – and it was funny, but Rafael hadn’t caught her name; she was just ‘Ma’.

“That said, she wasn’t wrong; now that we’ve met you, you can visit sometime, come over for dinner, maybe, or–”

“ _Mooom._ Come on! We have to be at work in, like, 5 hours. Can’t we do this another time?”

Sonny looked adorably embarrassed, and Rafael placed a hand on the small of his back without really thinking about it. Fortunately, before Rafael could freak out and pull his hand back, Sonny relaxed into his touch, leaned toward him. 

Sonny’s dad smiled; “We’ve all had a really long day, let the boys get out of here and try to get some rest. Sonny, we’ll call you in the morning, see when you can visit again. Rafael, it was really nice talking to you.”

“You too,” said Rafael, and he only removed his hand from Sonny’s back long enough to shake Dominick Sr.’s hand.

“Alright already, are we done? Goodnight!” exclaimed Sonny, before softly adding, “And you guys try to get some rest too, OK? It’s late.”

Sonny quickly kissed his mom goodbye and led Rafael out.

~ ~ ~

Before they had even gotten to the car, Sonny exhaled theatrically.

“Wow. I’d apologize for the onslaught but you had it coming. Warn a guy next time.”

Rafael chuckled.

“Well, excuse me, Sonny, but I thought I had made my intentions clear.”

“Your intentions of being a Good Samaritan and driving Bella to the hospital? Sure. Your intentions of telling my family about us? Not so much.”

Sonny was pouting. Which was strange, because he seemed perfectly happy while they were in the hospital.

“Don’t think I didn’t figure out your plan, by the way. You told them now that everybody’s too distracted to care, they’re all fussing over the baby.”

Oh.  _That._ The pout suddenly made sense. 

Rafael smiled and opened the car door for Sonny with a flourish.

Sonny rolled his eyes. 

“You’re lucky my family liked you,” he said, as Rafael got in the car as well.

“I liked them too. They’re all… Your dad, especially...”

“What?” Sonny asked, visibly curious.

“They’re a lot like you. Caring. Open. Sweet. Painfully unfunny.”

Sonny snorted.

“Gee, thanks Rafi. By the way, my painfully unfunny dad really liked you too. Also, my mom thinks you’re _‘very handsome’,_ apparently. And you know how Theresa feels.”

With a grin, Rafael pulled Sonny in for a kiss. He didn’t have to pull very hard; Sonny practically curled toward him, arms going up and around Rafael’s neck instantly. Like Sonny had been waiting to kiss him for hours. Which, he probably had.

After several moments – because he had been waiting to kiss Sonny too, even if he’d never admit it – Rafael whispered, “Come on, Sonny, time to get home.”

It was not lost on Rafael that he had referred to his place as ‘home’ for both himself  _and_ Sonny. Sonny’s face suggested that he hadn’t missed it either, but he was wisely letting it slide. 

Before he started the car, Rafael wanted to say one last thing; “You’re right, though. I should have warned you. We should have talked about it. Not just about tonight; in general. About letting people know.”

Sonny smiled and said, “I’m ready when you are.”

Just like that.

Rafael felt that warmth again.

And then he started the car because he couldn’t deal with his feelings just yet; he’d had a pretty eventful day and he needed some time to take it all in.

Just before they got back  _home,_ a more composed Rafael realized he should expound on his earlier statement, to avoid another misunderstanding.

“Sonny, just to be clear. About letting people know. I didn’t mean… _everyone.”_

Sonny’s eyes widened.

“Oh my god, of course not! It’s bad enough that Fin and Rollins know. We’ve told my friends, and your friends. And, after today, my entire extended family knows. I think we’re good for now.”

Rafael was relieved they were on the same page this time. But, strangely, he also felt a little thrill of excitement at the thought of telling more people; at the thought of more people knowing about him and Sonny. 

Just then, Sonny glanced at him and all-too-casually added, “I mean, unless you want to finish what you started.”

Rafael narrowed his eyes.

“Like, I don’t know, maybe you wanna call my grandpa. There’s a chance he hasn’t found out yet, he doesn’t know how to text.”


	4. Double Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6 months in. Rafael and Sonny go on a double date.

Rafael was cutting it close. He was still in his office, having just wrapped up a meeting with the District Attorney, and he really needed to get a move on. He and Sonny were celebrating their 6-month anniversary and Rafael had to pick up Sonny’s present, get home, get changed, and then pick up Sonny himself. No pressure.

At least it had been a slow day. The only noteworthy entry on Rafael’s calendar had been that meeting and, similarly, Sonny had called to say that the Sarge had curiously sent everybody home early. So, for once, it seemed like nothing would prevent Sonny’s celebratory plans from coming to fruition.

Sure, Sonny hadn’t said anything explicitly, but Rafael knew. Every month, on their ‘anniversary’, Sonny would try to schedule a nice dinner, or he’d drop hints about a surprise. And, every month, Sonny’s plans would be thwarted; the team would catch a case, or Rafael would have to work extra late, and they’d only get to see each other at the precinct, or when it was too late to properly celebrate.

If he was honest, Rafael found the concept of celebrating each month a little silly; they weren’t in high school anymore, and that was an understatement. So he appreciated that Sonny never really said the word ‘anniversary’ out loud.

But, again, if he was honest, Rafael also appreciated how Sonny’s kisses were always a little longer on those days. A little more lingering. It was a fine distinction, but Rafael could always tell.

Of course, it wasn’t just Sonny’s kisses. Rafael could always tell because, on those days, he was also thinking of their sort-of-anniversaries, and he was also counting the months, and he was also kissing Sonny a little too intently, but anyway. The whole thing was silly.

Except, this time, it was a 6-month anniversary, and that was a more significant amount of time, a more grown-up occasion to mark. This time, Rafael would finally have an excuse to stop pretending that he was too cranky to celebrate.

6 months. With Sonny.

No.

6 happy months. With Sonny.

Who would have thought?

Who would have thought that Rafael would find himself in a stable relationship with a formerly mustachioed SVU detective who was more than a decade his junior? Who would have thought that Rafael would be happy with Sonny freaking Carisi, of all people?

Happy.

Rafael was no longer resisting that word. He was happy. Not in some dramatic, intense, fiery way; his relationship with Sonny was easy, normal, comforting even.

Rafael was happy to spend pretty much all of his weekends with Sonny, equally content to go out or stay in. He was happy to spend weeknights with Sonny, too. A few too many. Even if that meant that he and Sonny always wound up with matching bags under their eyes the next morning.

Rafael was happy to visit the precinct, because he liked running into Sonny and pretending they were still at odds; he especially enjoyed the hilarious looks Rollins would give them. He was happy to do things he used to find tedious, like cooking or watching sports, because doing them with Sonny made them more fun somehow.

Rafael was happy to take time off, for the first time in years – which his secretary found hilarious, apparently. Maybe he and Sonny wouldn’t be lounging on anyone’s yacht any time soon, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t enjoy a nice 3-day weekend at a quaint bed-and-breakfast. Incidentally, Rafael hated all things quaint. But when Sonny was there, it wasn’t so bad.

Much like everything else.

Rafael was happy to be with Sonny. Simple as that.

And, at the moment, Rafael was happy to dress up for Sonny, maybe a little more than usual, since he assumed there was a fancy dinner awaiting them later. If Rafael had to guess, he’d say that Sonny had probably picked a particularly nice restaurant, in an attempt to celebrate all 6 of their monthly non-anniversaries retroactively. Which, frankly, sounded like a pretty good idea.

After picking up Sonny’s gift – and he really couldn’t wait to see what Sonny had gotten him, by the way – Rafael headed to Sonny’s place. He made sure to get there early; he wanted to have a little time to spare, for the gifts and for a little conversation.

On his way up, Rafael ran into Sonny’s neighbor from two doors down, a nice old lady whose name Rafael could never remember. He just remembered that Sonny helped her with the groceries on Thursdays, which made Rafael a little more emotional than he cared to admit, because she was someone’s grandma too and–

No. This wasn’t the time for such thoughts, this was a happy day. Fortunately, Rafael remembered something else, too; that the little old lady loved pinching Sonny’s cheek. And that Sonny would always bend all the way down, practically folding in half, just so she could reach his cheek, since she pretty much came up to his waist.

There. That was more like it. A happy thought.

Rafael helped the woman to her door, which she didn’t need but gladly accepted.

“Don’t you look nice? Are you taking our Sonny out? Have fun!” she said cheerily.

Rafael smiled and remembered another thing about her. She wasn’t one for small talk; she was polite, but quick and to the point. And she could never remember _his_ name, either. Rafael liked her a lot.

“Yes, we’re going out to dinner. Have a nice evening!” he replied, just as succinctly.

The old woman returned the smile and got inside her apartment. As Rafael walked down the corridor, he wondered when he had formed semi-cordial relationships with Sonny’s neighbors. Especially considering that he hardly knew what his own neighbors looked like.

Rafael knocked on Sonny’s door, overnight bag in his hand; partly because they’d be spending the night at Sonny’s, and partly because he wanted to surprise Sonny with his present.

Sonny opened the door almost instantly, with a huge smile on his face. As soon as he saw Rafael he actually wolf-whistled, earning himself an eye-roll.

OK, so Rafael looked good. He had chosen a black cashmere suit; he rarely wore black at work, it was too formal, plus jurors didn’t favor it. So whenever he did wear black, he always looked striking, different. He had paired the suit with a crisp white shirt and a silk, black and purple floral tie, a very delicate design; his favorite tie, in fact, and one that Sonny had often admired when idly going through Rafael’s closet.

“What’s the occasion?” asked Sonny, feigning ignorance. Poorly.

Rafael smirked as he stepped inside. Sonny closed the door behind him and started running his hands up and down Rafael’s arms, also poorly feigning that he was feeling the fabric.

Chuckling, Rafael kissed Sonny. As always, Sonny latched on to him like he couldn’t help himself.

After a few moments, and while his lips were still firmly attached to Sonny’s, Rafael started undoing Sonny’s tie. Sonny’s reaction was immediate; he pulled Rafael closer and he deepened the kiss. Rafael momentarily forgot what he was trying to do, and just went with it.

Until Sonny pulled back. Very abruptly.

“No, no, wait. It’s late, we’ll lose our reservations.”

Rafael got back on track.

“It’s not that late, we have time,” he teased, knowing full well that they really didn’t. Not for what Sonny was thinking.

“Come on Rafi,” Sonny moaned. “We’re not gonna miss this dinner too! There’s always something, I’m working, or you’re working. Tonight we’re both free, and we’re on time, and we’re ready to go, and we’re going, and that’s that.”

It was Rafael’s turn to feign ignorance.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sonny, but I wasn’t trying to get fresh. I simply wanted to take off your tie.”

“Why? Do you hate it? I think it looks good,” said Sonny defensively. He was standing by his sartorial choices. How precious.

“It’s fine,” Rafael offhandedly remarked. “But I have something nicer for you to wear.”

As Sonny looked on curiously, Rafael reached for his bag and pulled out an elaborately gift-wrapped package.

Sonny grinned and, dammit, it was adorable; “I didn’t think you were keeping track,” he said.

“Keeping track of what? Of the fact you’ve tried to set up anniversary dinners literally for each month we’ve been together, but you’ve failed each time? Yeah, I never noticed.”

Rafael hadn’t thought it possible, but Sonny’s smile got even wider; “So you’re keeping track of, like, _everything._ Good to know. Let me see it!”

A pair of extremely eager hands snatched the package, as Rafael softly said, “Happy 6-month anniversary, Sonny. If that’s even a thing.”

Sonny gave him a quick kiss and started opening the present. He was very careful with the wrapping paper, so it took him a while; long enough for Rafael to overthink his choice of gift. Ties were kind of impersonal for most people, yes, but he and Sonny had their own little inside jokes about them, about Sonny’s ugly ties and Rafael’s fancy ties, and, ugh, why hadn’t he gotten something more romantic?

“It’s just a tie, don’t get excited. I just thought you’d look good in i–”

“I love it!” exclaimed Sonny, and Rafael realized that he had worried over nothing; Sonny would have loved anything Rafael had given him. “And a pocket square? I never wore one before!”

Rafael finished taking off the tie Sonny was wearing. It really was nice enough; a pleasant, light blue stripy number that adequately complimented Sonny’s grey suit. Still, it couldn’t compare to Rafael’s gift.

The tie Rafael had chosen was royal blue woven silk; a little louder, a little fancier – and, yes, a little more expensive – than what Sonny usually wore, but that was the point. It was a gift from Rafael. It was supposed to be special. And overly fancy.

Sonny took out the tie and put it around his neck, but Rafael stopped him; grabbing the two ends of the tie, he pulled Sonny closer and started tying it himself. Sonny was more than happy to let him.

When Rafael was done, he tugged on the tie until Sonny’s lips met his.

“Thank you,” whispered Sonny between kisses.

“We’re not done,” Rafael said, and then he took out the pocket square; it was a little darker than the tie, complementing its shade perfectly.

He folded it quickly, over the back of the couch; he went for an elegant three-point fold, which prompted Sonny to mutter, “You gotta show me how to do that.”

Rafael carefully tucked the pocket square in Sonny’s breast pocket; then, he let his hand linger on Sonny’s chest for a while.

Sonny gave him another kiss, a longer one this time, before he walked to the mirror.

“OK, you were right, this does look better.”

It did. Very stylish. Very–

“Alright Rafi, now it really is late. Let’s go.”

Wait, what? No gift?

Rafael’s surprise must have registered on his face, because Sonny cracked up.

“I’ll give you your present when we get back.”

“That’s fine,” Rafael said, a little too casually. “Of course, you do realize that the longer I wait, the higher my expectations will get.”

Sonny grinned again.

“That won’t be a problem.”

~ ~ ~

Sonny insisted on driving, which made Rafael curious. He couldn’t wait to see just what Sonny had planned for their anniversary dinner. Fortunately, he didn’t have to wait too long.

As it turned out, Rafael’s guess had been off; Sonny hadn’t picked something too fancy, he hadn’t picked some new place, not even one of the higher-end restaurants they went to from time to time.

Sonny had picked ‘their’ restaurant. That Italian place where they’d had their first unofficial date. That Italian place they still frequented, because it was conveniently located near Rafael’s office, plus it was a little too romantic for any of their colleagues to patronize.

As they approached the door, Rafael walked ahead to hold it open for Sonny. Just like the first time. Because he really _was_ keeping track of everything.

The hostess greeted them and led them to their table; they always sat off to the side, at a corner table that offered a little more privacy than the rest of the main floor. Rafael liked it because he could sit next to Sonny; sitting across from each other had been fine – if not frustrating – on their first almost-date, but now Rafael far preferred the closeness.

While they waited for their food to arrive, Sonny asked about Rafael’s meeting.

“Did the DA keep you too long, or were you able to leave on time? What was that about, anyway?”

“That’s what you open with? You wanna talk about work? Tonight?” Rafael teased, more than a little surprised.

“No, come on, I was just curious. It was a routine meeting, right? Nothing, like, serious?”

Oh. It seemed that Sonny was just concerned. Rafael felt bad for teasing him.

“Don’t worry Sonny. Yes, it was just a routine meeting. Everything went fine. She even complimented me on my recent record.”

Sonny actually looked relieved for a couple of seconds, but then he smirked.

“Of course she did. Since I joined the squad, the overall quality of the work has greatly improved. Because of my legal knowledge, we’re getting you all the evidence you need to–”

Sonny paused.

Rafael couldn’t resist; “What happened? Did you realize how ridiculous you sounded mid-sentence?”

But Sonny wasn’t listening. He was too busy trying to see something, apparently.

“Rafael.”

Sonny looked baffled.

“Rafael, is that the Sarge?”

Rafael froze. He did not want to look. He _really_ did not want to look.

“Tell me you’re joking, Sonny.”

“I wish I could.”

Oh God.

Rafael turned his head discreetly, following Sonny’s eyes, and did, in fact, catch a glimpse of Liv.

_Oh God._

He faced Sonny again. They stared at each other dumbly for a moment, and then they both pulled back simultaneously. They had been sitting way too close.

Sonny snorted. “Good to know we’re seeing eye to eye on how horrifying this is.”

Rafael laughed. While he still could. “Um. Maybe we could…”

Rafael stopped himself. Was he really about to suggest that they ditch their 6-month anniversary dinner? The dinner Sonny had been looking forward to for, like, 6 months? Rafael was so inconsiderate. How could he even _think–_

“Let’s get out of here,” Sonny said flatly.

Sometimes having no filter was a blessing.

“You read my mind,” Rafael replied. “Rain check?”

“Sure. Maybe we’ll finally get to celebrate on our 1-year anniversary, huh?” Sonny joked.

Except, why was that a joke?

“We will,” said Rafael, with absolute conviction.

Sonny’s smile faded; “We…”

Rafael nodded at him, unwavering. Sonny nodded back, but he actually looked more bewildered than when he had spotted Liv.

Rafael couldn’t blame Sonny for being surprised. They had never discussed the future, not in so many words. Things were going smoothly, sure, but they had a ‘one day at a time’ thing going. Right? Of course, that didn’t explain why Rafael had come out with that ‘we will’ so fast, but still.

In truth, Rafael had spoken impulsively; the second he heard Sonny talking about a 1-year anniversary, he realized how much he wanted that. Suddenly – or not so suddenly – it was all very clear to him. Rafael wanted to have a 1-year anniversary with Sonny, and he wanted a 2-year anniversary, and…

And Sonny was blushing. That brought back memories.

Rafael reached out and took Sonny’s hand – after glancing over his shoulder to make sure Liv wasn’t watching, naturally.

Sonny’s eyes fixated on their joined hands.

 _Speaking of memories_ , thought Rafael fondly. 6 months earlier, their positions had been reversed. 6 months earlier, in that very restaurant, it had been Sonny who had taken Rafael’s hand; it had been Sonny who had finally dared to–

“I love you.”

Rafael lost his breath.

Sonny appeared overwhelmed, but he still managed to look up and face Rafael.

“I mean, you already knew that, right? I just… I wanted to say it out loud.”

Rafael couldn’t seem to… He felt… It was like he had forgotten how to speak, how to think. All he could do was sit and stare with his mouth hanging open. He didn’t…

No. He _did_ know that. How could he not? It was written on Sonny’s face. It had been, for a while. Sonny loved him. And Sonny had been the one to dare, again. Forget ‘easy’ and ‘comforting’; Rafael’s heart felt like it was about to burst.

Sonny exhaled deeply and then he smiled at Rafael, squeezing his hand. It seemed that, as Rafael had gotten more and more flustered, Sonny had regained his composure. He looked calm, content. Like he had accomplished his goal for the night. Like he wasn’t expecting anything in return.

“OK, that’s out of the way. It was easier than I thought,” Sonny said with a small shrug. “Now let’s move, before the Sarge sees us!”

Rafael had forgotten all about Liv. He had forgotten all about leaving. He had forgotten where they were. None of it was important.

Sonny tried to pull his hand out of Rafael’s grasp, so he could stand up, but Rafael didn’t let him. Rafael held on, tight.

“I love you too, Sonny. Very much.”

Sonny stared.

Rafael’s heart was thudding. He had known about Sonny’s feelings; maybe just subconsciously, but he had, because Sonny was an open book. Rafael himself was more closed-off, more reticent. What if Sonny didn’t–

“Tell me something I don’t know, Rafi.”

Sonny was beaming. Rafael had never seen him happier. And that was saying something, because Sonny always looked so damn happy when they were together.

Rafael let out the breath he was holding. Of course Sonny knew. Rafael liked to think he was harder to read but, when it came to Sonny, he was totally transparent.

“Actually, could you elaborate on that ‘very much’ thing? How much, exactly?” Sonny was smirking now, dimples in full display.

“ _Very_ much,” Rafael said, and then he leaned in and kissed Sonny. Not too deeply, not like he wanted. They were at a public place, after all. He just pressed his lips against Sonny’s, a little too hard, and breathed as Sonny gave him a few soft pecks.

As they pulled apart, their hands still linked, Sonny looked at Rafael. He just looked, intently, like he wanted to memorize Rafael’s expression. And understandably so; Rafael Barba in love. That was one for the books.

So, Rafael let him look.

Rafael let him look, until Sonny got distracted; his eyes darted off to the side and he even leaned away from Rafael, trying to get a better view.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Am I in your way? Is there something more interesting behind me?” sassed Rafael.

“Yes,” Sonny replied unambiguously. “Is the Sarge making out with that guy from Internal Affairs?”

Rafael was taken aback. Was Liv back with Cassidy? Wait, Sonny had never met Cassidy. So who was he talking about?

Rafael chocked on air. No. No way.

_Tucker?_

No way. No way Liv would…

Rafael couldn’t help himself; he turned around almost violently. He turned around just in time to see Liv and, yes, Tucker pulling away from each other after a kiss.

Unfortunately, Rafael also turned around just in time for Liv to spot _him_. She didn’t even have to try; Rafael had spun his head so unsubtly that he was pretty sure people from the next restaurant had noticed.

Several expressions crossed Liv’s face. The first one very clearly said ‘oh crap’. The second one said, ‘it’s no big deal, we’re all adults here’. The third one, the best one, said, ‘is that my detective’s hand you’re holding?’

To make matters worse, Tucker had spotted Rafael too. Also, Sonny was trying to sink into his chair, obviously unable to process any of this.

Not that Rafael was faring better; he and Liv were staring at each other, very awkwardly at that, considering their options. There was no point in denying anything; they had both been caught red-handed. But maybe they could ignore each other. Maybe if they both pretended that nothing had happ–

Oh. Liv was coming over. OK.

And she was bringing Tucker with her. Not OK.

Rafael glanced at Sonny, who looked mortified. He supposed Sonny was right to feel that way; Liv was his boss. Nobody wanted their boss to bust in on them while they were out on a romantic date. With one of their boss’s friends, no less. Another attempted anniversary dinner, ruined. Poor Sonny.

“Rafael!” said Liv, with an exaggerated smile. “And… Detective Carisi.”

Sonny actually stood up and said, “Sarge.”

Rafael mentally facepalmed; though he supposed he should be thankful that Sonny didn’t salute her.

Standing up a little too hastily, Rafael returned Olivia’s greeting.

“Liv,” he said with a fake smile of his own. “I see you’re… Lieutenant Tucker, hello.”

This was _not_ going well.

Tucker seemed kind of amused, but he was the only one. Sonny kept glancing at Rafael nervously, like Rafael had all the answers. Liv also kept glancing at Rafael, like she was trying to bore through his skull and read his mind. And Rafael himself had decided to just keep looking at Tucker, because that seemed like the safest choice.

Rafael faux-cordially shook Tucker’s hand, though that did nothing to alleviate the awkwardness.

“Counselor. Detective,” Tucker droned.

Thankfully, before he could say anything else, a waiter approached the two couples and asked if they wished to be seated together.

Liv started politely muttering, “I… I don’t see why n–”

No, no, no, no.

“No, that won’t be necessary, thank you,” Rafael replied, a little too forcefully.

Liv bit her lip to stop herself from laughing. But that wasn’t all she did.

“Carisi, why don’t you join Lieutenant Tucker for a minute, over at our table?”

Was she seriously pulling rank? Ordering Sonny to switch tables, just so she could grill Rafael about him?

She was _good._

Sonny, unable to disobey Liv’s commands, even off duty, hesitantly stepped away from Rafael and into Tucker’s waiting arms.

“Carisi, is it?” Tucker said, clapping Sonny on the shoulder. “Get over here, let’s talk. You’re the only Manhattan SVU detective I haven’t investigated. Yet.”

Sonny looked more than a little wary, so Liv smiled reassuringly; “He’s joking, Carisi.”

“Am I?” growled Tucker teasingly, and Liv seemed to like it, and she looked at Tucker’s retreating form a little too fondly, and, wow, Rafael needed a drink.

As soon as Sonny and Tucker were out of earshot, Rafael took his chance.

“Tucker? Seriously?”

“Don’t try to twist this on me, Rafael. Carisi?”

Oh well. At least he tried.

“Yes, Liv. Carisi,” Rafael said with a sigh.

Olivia sat back and crossed her arms.

“I mean, I knew there was a guy, but are you telling me that Carisi, _my_ Carisi, is the reason you’ve been in such a great mood these past few months? He’s got to be doing something right.”

Rafael had no time for Olivia’s suggestive eyebrow wiggling, and his scoff let her know it.

Liv smirked, but she changed her line of questioning.

“Not to mention, _he’s_ the guy you always have plans with? He’s the reason you’ve abandoned me? When was the last time we went out for a drink?”

Was she trying to guilt trip him? _Please._

“I don’t know, Liv, why don’t you ask your boyfriend?”

Unperturbed, Olivia said, “Nice try.”

Dammit. They were too evenly matched; someone would have to fold, and that someone would likely end up being Rafael because he could never say no to her.

“Come on, out with it,” Liv asked impatiently. “What’s the deal? This is a cozy, romantic place. Are you guys, what, dating?”

“Yes,” Rafael replied. One-word answers. That seemed like a good tactic.

“Uh-huh. How long?”

Was she narrowing her eyes? Rafael was pretty sure he had seen Liv sporting that exact look during actual interrogations.

“6 months. Today.”

“Today? As in…”

“Yes, Liv, as in _‘you’re crashing our 6-month anniversary dinner’._ Thanks for that, by the way.”

Liv actually looked contrite.

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“What was I supposed to say? _Excuse me, Lieutenant Tucker, but you’re interrupting an emotional moment between myself and Detective Carisi?”_

Olivia snorted.

“OK, OK. I’m sorry,” she said, except she didn’t seem _that_ sorry. “But what’s done is done, so you might as well give me some details. 6 months? That explains why Carisi stopped putting in for overtime. He never used to leave the precinct.”

Rafael smiled, but Liv wasn’t done; “And you never used to leave your office. And now, here you are, at a nice restaurant, having a romantic dinner–”

“No, here I am _trying_ to have a romantic dinner. Big difference.”

Rolling her eyes, Olivia brought it home: _“Anyway,_ what I’m saying is, I’m happy for you.” And it was clear she meant it.

Yeah, that still wasn’t enough to make up for the ruined dinner.

“Thank you,” Rafael responded, a little too cheerfully. “Oh, and _I’m_ happy for you and Tucker. You two make such a cute couple!”

Liv pursed her lips in irritation.

“Hey now, glass houses, Barba. I didn’t question your choice, and God knows there’s a lot to question. I mean, _Carisi?_ He’s…”

She struggled to find an appropriate word, so Rafael provided one for her.

“He’s great,” Rafael said; his heart on his sleeve, for once.

Liv’s irritation instantly disappeared, and she looked at him knowingly. Rafael wasn’t surprised; she was the only other person – other than Sonny, of course – who could see right through him.

She didn’t even ask; she just stated, “It’s serious.”

“He just told me he loves me.”

Liv’s face changed completely. At first she looked startled, but then she smiled softly. Rafael didn’t even know why he told her that; it was like he was too excited to keep it to himself.

“I repeat, why exactly did you let us interrupt?”

“And I said it back,” Rafael added, because Liv was his friend; now that she knew, she should know everything.

“Oh, _that’s_ why you let us interrupt. So you wouldn’t have to deal with the aftermath. That explains it.”

Rafael sarcastically snapped, “And now you know.”

“I really am happy for you, Rafael,” Liv said genuinely.

Rafael exhaled, thinking the interrogation was over; thinking that maybe he could return the favor, and start grilling Olivia about Tucker.

No such luck.

Rafael’s questions would have to wait, because Olivia had some more questions of her own.

“I must say, the two of you know how to put up a good front. The way you act around each other? The way you treated Carisi at first? What was that? An act? Or foreplay?”

Rafael did not tell Olivia the truth – that it was foreplay – though he suspected that she already knew.

Instead, he casually remarked, “You know, Rollins asked Sonny the same thing.”

“Wait, Rollins knows? You told her? Or did Caris.. Did _Sonny_ tell her?”

Rafael’s deflection tactic had worked.

“Yes, Liv, she knows, and so does Fin. But they both found out by accident, just like you, so there’s no reason to feel left out.”

Olivia looked like she really didn’t appreciate being the last to know. Well, technically, there was still Amaro, but Rafael didn’t feel like pointing that out.

So, he changed the subject: “Anyway, enough about me and Sonny. What about you and Tucker? How did _that_ come about?”

Sure, Liv was rightfully annoyed that Rafael had kept her in the dark, but she had to give him something; Rafael had all but read her his diary. She couldn’t leave him hanging.

“Oh look, Rafael, the guys are back!”

She could totally leave him hanging. As punishment. Of course.

On the bright side, at least Sonny had returned.

“Uh, Sarge, not that I haven’t been enjoying this romantic evening with Lieutenant Tucker, but can I have my date back, please?”

Liv let out a surprised laugh, but Rafael felt like throttling Sonny. Was he seriously making a joke like that in front of Tuck–

“Yeah Liv, me and Sonny here sure got some interesting looks from the other patrons.”

Rafael balked at that mental image. People seriously thought Tucker and Sonny were togeth–

Wait, _‘Sonny’?_ What the hell was going on?

Liv was now unabashedly laughing; “I trust Ed wasn’t too hard on you, Carisi?”

“Nah, he’s great. I don’t know why everybody hates him.”

There was a pause that lasted about half a second; Rafael prepared to make an excuse for Sonny’s insolence but, before he could, Tucker cracked up.

“I like this kid. Where have you been hiding him, Liv?”

Rafael felt like he was taking crazy pills.

Liv shot him a glance and replied, “I’m not the one who was hiding him, Ed.”

Rafael side-eyed her and very staunchly said, “No one was hiding anyone, Lieutenant. We, uh… I was…”

Sonny interjected; “Yeah, I’ve just been keeping a low profile, you know? ‘Cause I was new. But now that I’ve settled at the precinct I can finally let my talents unfold.”

To his horror, Rafael realized that Sonny was bailing _him_ out of an awkward social situation. What was the world coming to?

“Not to mention, Ed, you’re IAB. No offense,” Sonny added, and Tucker actually smiled. “If I never see your face again, it’ll be too soon. Unless you’re buying me a beer, that is.”

‘Ed’? ‘Beer’?

Liv and Rafael exchanged twin looks of astonishment.

Tucker was still smiling, which was a somewhat unsettling sight. Walking closer to Olivia, he said, “Now, Liv, why don’t you and I head someplace else? Let these guys enjoy their dinner?”

Liv and Rafael’s eyebrows shot up in unison.

Rafael thought he’d be polite, so he blatantly lied: “You don’t have to leave…”

“Eh, it’s no big deal. Plus, apparently, it’s your anniversary. But, let me tell you, a 6-month anniversary? I stopped celebrating those after my third divorce.”

Sonny cracked up, as did Tucker himself.

Liv and Rafael continued to look on, now mildly horrified. Just what had Sonny and Tucker talked about?

After a few awkward seconds, Olivia ultimately relented and stood up.

“I guess that’s my cue. Rafael, talk to you later. Carisi, uh… Nice tie.”

Sonny grinned; “Thanks, Sarge. Have a nice evening.”

“Oh she will,” said Tucker suggestively. No wonder he and Sonny had hit it off.

Speaking of, Tucker clapped Sonny on the shoulder again, except this time he did it in a friendly way, as a goodbye. Liv glanced at Rafael, raising an eyebrow. As she left, walking a little too closely to Tucker, Rafael prayed that there would be no double dates in his future.

Just as Sonny sat back down at their table, their dinner arrived. Rafael reached for the forgotten wine. He hadn’t dared to crack the bottle open with Olivia there; their conversation probably would have had a very different outcome if he had.

Sonny took a sip and exhaled. “Well. _That_ went better than I expected.”

“It did. By the way, are you and Tucker best friends now?”

“Come on, Rafi. He’s practically the first cop I’ve met here who hasn’t hated me on sight. Let me enjoy it.”

Rafael paused. Sonny’s confidence had long been restored and, as a result, he’d made leaps and bounds in the squad room. So much so, that sometimes it was easy to forget that, in the beginning, Sonny had spent quite some time feeling insecure.

Rafael felt strangely nostalgic as he thought about it. About Sonny, in those months before they had gotten together. Especially those 4 months, when Rafael had inexplicably made it his life’s mission to turn Sonny’s frown upside down.

“What are you thinking about?” Sonny asked, but his expression said that he had a pretty good idea.

Rafael wasn’t about to confirm Sonny’s suspicions.

“Nothing. I was just wondering who has the worst taste ever; me or Liv.”

With a chuckle, Sonny said, “I don’t know, Tucker’s pretty great. He looks gruff but he’s kind of a softie. You should see him apologize for interrupting our dinner. I can see why the Sarge likes him.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. But then, I’m not that bad either.”

“No, you’re not,” admitted Rafael, and wasn’t that an understatement.

“And you love me,” Sonny said, with a happy smile that Rafael couldn’t help but mirror.

“I do.”

“ _Very_ much.”

“Yes, Sonny, we’ve already established that.”

Grinning, Sonny whispered, “Just making sure,” and then he kissed Rafael.

It was a gentle kiss, clearly meant to show affection – no,  _love_   _–_ but Sonny's lips were so soft and Rafael couldn't resist a tiny lick and Sonny quietly moaned and...

And Rafael pulled away.

“You better eat fast, Sonny,” he muttered.

“You don’t have to tell me. Oh, and let’s skip dessert. I gotta give you your present,” Sonny replied, and he looked positively giddy.

Seriously, why were they still at the restaurant when they could be–

“If I didn’t feel bad that the Sarge and Tucker let us have the place, I’d ask you to blow off dinner altogether.”

Well, Sonny had a point. That had been nice of them.

Reaching for his fork, Rafael wondered aloud.

“I still can’t believe Liv is dating him. I can’t even imagine how that happened.”

Sonny, way ahead of Rafael, his mouth already full, casually answered.

“Oh, I’ll fill you in. Ed told me all about it.”


	5. Chicken Soup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 11 months in. Rafael gets the flu.

Sonny had been banished from Rafael’s apartment. Rafael was coming down with something which he stubbornly insisted was just a cold. Except, according to Sonny’s non-expert diagnosis, it was the flu; fever, chills, fatigue, all the symptoms fit. At any rate, in a sign of altruism, Rafael had apparently decided to keep Sonny away until he was ‘no longer contagious’.

That was Rafael’s excuse, anyway, because there was no way he cared about Sonny’s welfare _that_ much. Rafael was kind of an insufferable patient; every time he got even a little bit sick, he’d demand chicken soup, and the frequent fluffing of his pillows, and freshly squeezed orange juice, and there was no way he’d give all that up just to protect Sonny’s immune system.

Sonny hadn’t voiced his thoughts, but he suspected Rafael’s true motives were a little less noble. Rafael probably wanted Sonny out of his hair. And, frankly, Sonny couldn’t blame him.

Sonny was a bit of a germophobe – if ‘a bit’ meant ‘a hell of a lot’. Which meant that he kept reflexively backing away every time Rafael sneezed, and he kept dodging Rafael’s attempts to kiss him or, well, to come within 3 feet of him, and he was using hand sanitizer on his entire body, basically, and…

And he was getting on Rafael’s last nerve.

Leaving for a while seemed like a pretty good idea, all things considered.

Sonny did feel guilty that he couldn’t take care of Rafael; other than dropping off supplies and calling a little too frequently, of course. Still, Sonny figured that staying away was better than the alternative. Because the alternative involved Sonny breaking out the tongs to pick up Rafael’s discarded tissues. Not to mention, having to withstand Rafael’s scornful glare as he witnessed Sonny treating his discarded tissues like a biohazard.

The thing was, Sonny was starting to get antsy. It had already been a week, and it was a Friday, and Sonny legitimately missed Rafael’s scornful glares, and he didn’t want to spend a second weekend alone.

He and Rafael hadn’t spent a whole week apart – as in, no sleepovers – in months. It was funny, but Sonny had forgotten how boring his life was without the sarcasm and the cranky comments and the muttered jokes and the suspenders.

Sonny could hardly remember the last time he had stayed at his own apartment for more than a day or two; going by the sell-by date on a long-expired carton of milk in his fridge, it had been well over 5 weeks.

Hell, Sonny hadn’t even realized just how much of his stuff had migrated over at Rafael’s place in the previous year – 11 months, to be precise. Not until he couldn’t find his laptop charger or his favorite mug or one of his suits.

Maybe Rafael would let him sleep on the couch.

Sonny was planning on asking that question, very politely, over lunch. At Rafael’s office. Where Rafael was currently located, because he had insisted on going to work even though he could barely stand. Apparently, he was ‘feeling a little better’. Which was code for ‘I have an important deposition scheduled, and I don’t trust any of the other ADAs to handle it, and I’ll do it even if it kills me’.

Well, at least it hadn’t killed him, as Sonny found out over a phone call, around noon. Rafael sounded terrible, and Sonny almost told him about the chicken soup he was bringing over, but he decided not to ruin the surprise.

Luckily, Manhattan SVU was quiet. The team wasn’t working on any new cases, and the Sarge was out, so Rollins had offered to cover for Sonny. They had established a nice little routine; they’d cover for each other on occasion, and they’d ask no questions, and they’d keep the teasing to a minimum – Sonny more than Amanda, but still. Her finding out had worked out pretty well in the long run.

Sonny took off around 1 o’clock, carrying a nondescript plastic shopping bag – which was far from inconspicuous, but better than carrying the Tupperware container outright. Sonny got to Rafael’s office in no time; he was a little surprised not to find Rafael’s secretary at her desk, but he figured she was probably out on an errand, seeing as Rafael himself was in no condition to be moving around.

After a cursory knock, Sonny walked in the office.

“Hey, you’re in luck, I got you chicken sou–”

Rafael’s bleary eyes widened in alarm, just enough for Sonny to realize that they were not alone.

“Oh, hey Nick. What’s up?”

Amaro.

The one person who still didn’t know about them. At least Sonny hadn’t opened with ‘Hey Rafi’.

“Not much, Carisi. I just brought Barba here a signed witness statement. And you brought him _chicken soup.”_

Amaro was smirking.

Dammit.

“Yeah, well, that’s ‘cause Barba didn’t call _you_ asking for chicken soup. Apparently you’re too good to be delivering his meals, unlike me.”

Not bad. Borderline believable, even. And Nick was smirking even more now, like he was buying it; which was good but, frankly, also a little insulting.

“By the way, counselor, I also have the case notes you asked for. They’re in with the napkins,” Sonny added.

Rafael blinked at him, and it looked like that took some effort. It was a good thing Sonny was quick on his feet, because Rafael was clearly in no condition to improvise.

Nick seemed to buy the excuse completely, though he still looked amused.

“I’ll remember that next time I’m sick, Carisi. I mean, you never brought _me_ chicken soup.”

“I bring you coffee, like, every other morning, Nick.”

Amaro frowned.

“Right,” he said, and he looked like he was just realizing that for the first time. How ungrateful.

“I’m a giver, what can I say?” Sonny deadpanned, and he hoped that was the end of that conversation.

Indeed, Amaro got up and put his jacket on.

“Alright, Barba, I’ll let you enjoy your soup. Carisi, you bring a car?”

Sonny hadn’t, but he wished he had; because then he’d have a reason to turn down Amaro’s offer for a ride to the precinct.

Thankfully, Rafael piped up.

“Actually, Carisi, I’ll need you to stay and help me go over your notes. I’m still feverish and your handwriting is tragic, it’ll take me forever otherwise.”

Rafael was up for some improvisation, after all. Sonny did question why all their excuses revolved around him being incompetent – his handwriting was perfectly legible, thank-you-very-much – but he was relieved all the same.

Of course, Sonny couldn’t let that show, so he rolled his eyes and turned to Nick, stage whispering: “You’re getting this? I have to miss my lunch ‘cause this guy can’t read.”

“I heard that,” Rafael snapped, and there was finally a glint in his eye.

Amaro chuckled and finally turned to leave; “Yeah, yeah, see you at the precinct. Barba, feel better.”

As soon as Amaro closed the door, Rafael sagged down into his chair.

“How are you feeling?” Sonny asked.

“Ugh,” was all Rafael could muster, in the form of a prolonged moan.

Sonny exhaled as he took a seat; “That was close.”

“It was nowhere near close, Sonny. Amaro probably thought you were trying to butter me up or something.”

Sonny pursed his lips; “Now why didn’t I think of that? It would have made for a better excuse.”

Rafael smirked and said, “Are we eating, or what?”

Sonny rolled his eyes and got up again. He grabbed the container and headed to the small kitchen area the ADAs shared, in search of the microwave and some plastic spoons.

By the time Sonny got back, Rafael had cleaned out a space on his desk, he’d taken off his tie and he was working on the top button of his shirt. Sonny set the soup down carefully and he attempted to help, but Rafael swatted his hands away.

“Aren’t you afraid of catching my germs?” Rafael mocked.

Sonny laughed, but he also stepped back. Promptly. Because he _was_ afraid. Which Rafael knew full well, if his glare was anything to go by.

After taking one glance at the obviously homemade soup, Rafael disdainfully said, “I hope you didn’t make this yourself, I’m sick enough as it is.”

Fine, Sonny deserved that. But the soup didn’t.

“You’re welcome,” Sonny sassed. “But it was actually my _mom_ who made it, specially for you. So you’ll eat the soup, and when she calls you later, to ask how it was, you’re gonna tell her that you loved it and that you feel better already.”

Rafael all-too-casually replied, “Oh she already called, to see how I was doing. She was disappointed when I told her you hadn’t brought it over yet. In fact, she wanted to know what took you so long to bring me the goddamn soup because I’m starving.”

Sonny cracked up; after all, it was hard for him to pretend he was mad when he had just hand-delivered homemade chicken soup.

“I still can’t believe my mom calls you when I’m not there,” he whined, as Rafael dug in.

Rafael was more than halfway done when he paused abruptly.

“You’re not eating.”

“Good of you to finally notice!” Sonny joked.

“And, oh no! The soup is all contaminated now, with my nasty flu, so you can’t have any!”

“You know, you get even crankier when you’re not getting laid, Rafi.”

Rafael narrowed his eyes, but he couldn’t stop the corners of his lips from turning upward.

“Is this an unsubtle way of saying you’ll come back? Probably wearing a hazmat suit?” he asked.

“It’s an unsubtle way of saying I miss you,” Sonny replied.

Just like that, every trace of sarcasm was gone from Rafael’s face. He looked at Sonny in that fond way of his, the one he reserved for when Sonny said something particularly sweet.

“I miss you too, Sonny,” Rafael said gently, but then he switched gears: “I don’t miss your stuff, because it’s all over my apartment, but I do miss you. And there’s no way I’m spending another weekend alone, so you’re coming back. Sleep on the couch if you must.”

Sonny grinned; almost a year into their relationship, and he still loved seeing Rafael dropping the act and getting a little sappy. Or, well, ‘sappy’ for Rafael’s standards.

“I’d kiss you if you weren’t infectious,” Sonny said.

“I _will_ kiss you _because_ I’m infectious, and then you’ll get sick, and I’ll abandon you and you’ll have to fend for yourself,” Rafael retorted.

Sonny pouted his very best pout.

“Aw, come on Rafi! I really am missing lunch for you, you know. I have to get back soon, so I didn’t have time to pick something up on the way here. And I didn’t want you to share the soup, ‘cause there wasn’t enough for two, and you need it to get better.”

“I’m honored, _Detective,”_ and, OK, the sarcasm was back; it looked like Rafael was really peeved. “You chose to forgo a crappy sandwich to spend a little more time with me. And all that, after you left me on my own for an entire week.”

“Geez, if I’d known you were gonna miss me this bad I never would’ve left!” Sonny teased.

“Well, now you know.”

What?

Rafael hadn’t denied it? And he was looking at Sonny fondly again? Twice in the space of 2 minutes? Maybe it was the fever. Or, maybe, Rafael really had missed Sonny just as much as Sonny had missed him.

“Say no more,” Sonny said with a smile. “I’ll be there as soon as I get off work.”

“Good.”

Rafael paused; he looked at Sonny for a second, like he was considering something, and then he spoke again.

“And, maybe, bring some more of your stuff with you.”

_What?_

“Your stuff isn’t cluttering up my apartment completely. I can still walk around freely in some of the rooms, and that’s just unacceptable.”

Sonny wasn’t falling for that dig. And, going by Rafael’s face, the counselor himself knew that he hadn’t quite sold it.

Rafael had asked Sonny to… to move in with him. Right? Kind of? To half-move in with him? To mostly move in?

Sonny was surprised to realize that he wasn’t surprised. He spent most of his time at Rafael’s place, anyway, so moving in seemed practical. But also, he’d known, deep down. Sonny had known for a while that he and Rafael were in for the long haul. Maybe his insecurity hadn’t let him admit it, not at first; but then a flustered Rafael had said that he loved Sonny ‘very much’ and, well.

Moving in was just another step.

“OK,” Sonny said with a shrug.

 _“OK?”_ Rafael asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah. I mean, this explains why you’ve been such a pain in the ass today. You were nervous about asking me.”

Rafael actually let out a laugh before he stopped himself.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sonny. But I do know that your lease expires in two months, so make sure you’re fully moved out by then. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a nap.”

Cracking up, Sonny got on his feet and walked around the desk. Rafael stared up at him defiantly, practically daring Sonny to kiss him, despite the germs.

Sonny bent down, and then he bent down some more, and then he planted a lingering kiss low on Rafael’s neck, right where his collar was open. Rafael felt warm, and he smelled great, and Sonny hadn’t been this close to him in a week, and he couldn’t help it; he kissed Rafael’s neck a second time, and a third, a little lower, and he grabbed at Rafael’s shirt, popping another button, and he licked at Rafael’s collarbone, and he pulled down Rafael’s suspenders, and the door was unlocked, and he should probably stop. At some point.

“Sonny… Sonny, come on. Hold that thought until tonight,” Rafael whispered, and he looked as dazed as Sonny felt. “If I’m still alive by then,” he added, and he also looked exhausted, and sick, and like he really did need that nap.

As Sonny pulled away, smiling, Rafael reached out to stroke his cheek. Except Sonny involuntarily winced – and, man, he always knew how to ruin the moment.

Rafael scoffed, but he did place his hand on Sonny’s shoulder instead, squeezing.

“On second thought, maybe you should keep your apartment. You’ll need someplace to sleep next time I get a cold.”

That was it. Sonny decided he wasn’t going to let a puny flu get the better of him.

“No I won’t,” he said cheerily, and then he leaned in and kissed Rafael right on the lips. It was just a smooch, and it only lasted a second, and Rafael barely had time to react, but he looked like he appreciated it all the same.

Sonny left Rafael’s office with a huge smile on his face.

And, possibly, the flu.

~ ~ ~

It was about a week later, and a fortuitously healthy Sonny had started moving his stuff into Rafael’s place, one box at a time – no need to rush, and no need to overwhelm Rafael with all his sports memorabilia at once. Packing randomly at such a slow pace was kind of a hassle, but Sonny didn’t mind.

Sonny was at his desk, catching up on some paperwork – catching up on some of Fin’s paperwork, in fact, because Fin had promised to repay Sonny in beer – when his phone rang.

Seeing Rafael’s name on the screen, Sonny got up and away from prying eyes; not that Amaro’s eyes were particularly prying, but still. He headed for the corridor leading to the interview rooms. Since no one was using them, Sonny figured he’d be safe for a couple of minutes.

“Hey Raf–”

“Sonny, listen, my mom will be dropping by the precinct in about 20 minutes.”

Rafael sounded strangely nervous. Also, his _mom?_

“What? Why? Is everything OK?”

Sonny could almost hear Rafael’s eye-roll over the phone.

“Yes, _Sonny,_ everything’s fine. She’s just meeting me there; I’m on my way over right now. My mom wants me to put in a good word for her with Liv, something about a speech at the charter school. Anyway, that’s not important. Look, um, would it be possible for you to…”

Rafael paused. Was he really about to ask Sonny to meet his mom? That elusive creature Sonny had only overheard during phone calls? That same mom whose visits always prompted Rafael to ask Sonny to ‘find somewhere else to be for a couple of hours’?

But then, Sonny _was_ moving in with Rafael. And they had been together for a year. And Rafael did have, like, semi-regular dinners with Sonny’s parents, and he loved to tag along whenever Sonny went to Bella’s to visit Anna, his little niece, and it only made sense for Sonny to finally meet Rafael’s m–

“Would it be possible for you to avoid her?”

Oh. Of course.

“Avoid her? As in, what, just greet her and then steer clear? Sure, no problem.”

Sonny was a little bummed out, he wasn’t going to deny it, but he understood. He had sort of gathered, over time, that Rafael and his mom had some issues to work out. Nothing major, not as far as Sonny could tell, but still; it was pretty clear that they had a complicated relationship, and that it wasn’t always easy for Rafael to talk to her. Or about her, for that matter. Rafael had never really talked to Sonny about his mom, not at length. So, if he needed more time, Sonny was willing to wait.

“No, avoid her as in ‘stay out of sight’. Just until she leaves,” Rafael clarified.

“Wait, I can’t even meet her? At all? Not even as your colleague? As, like, one of the cops you work with?”

“No, Sonny, you can’t, because if she sees us together she’ll know instantly, she knows me too well. Just… avoid her, OK?”

“Wow, alright,” Sonny said. That was a little more extreme than he anticipated, but he wasn’t going to push.

Instead, Sonny teased, “By the way, you do remember that you introduced yourself to my entire family without even asking me, right? And you did that _after_ you invited yourself to the birth of my niece?”

“That was different, Sonny,” Rafael replied, somewhat testily.

“How was that different?”

“You _wanted_ me to meet your family.”

Oh. _Of course._

“And you don’t want me to meet _your_ family. Got it.”

“Wait, Sonny–”

“No, it’s fine, I’ll stay away.”

“Sonny, come on.”

Rafael somehow sounded equal parts irritated and apologetic. Sonny didn’t know that was even possible.

“No, whatever, just let me know when your mom leaves, and it’s safe for me to come out of hiding.”

Sonny hung up, and he tried very hard not to be offended. Rafael had every right to ask him that, every right to want to decide if and when Sonny would get to meet his mother. And, frankly, Sonny would have been fine with an excuse, something like ‘I don’t want my mom to meet you at the precinct, that’d be weird’ or, even, ‘it’s too soon’.

But did Rafael have to say that he didn’t ‘want’ Sonny to meet his mother? Did Rafael have to be all, ‘you _wanted_ me to meet your family, but I don’t want you to meet mine, duh’? Like that was obvious? Like Sonny was, what, chopped liver?

Sonny could already feel the pout forming on his lips, but he was determined to get over it.

In a few minutes.

Sonny turned around, ready to get back to his desk and distract himself with Fin’s reports, and–

And he saw Amaro standing right there.

Amaro was standing right there, in the narrow corridor, and he had a weird look on his face; like he had overheard something he wasn’t supposed to, or like he was embarrassed for Sonny, or, maybe, like he was being sympathetic? Sonny never could get a good read on him; Nick always looked sort of enigmatic and dour.

Sonny tried – and failed – to play it cool, while frantically going over his side of the phone call in his mind, trying to remember if he had said Rafael’s name or not. How much had Nick heard, anyway?

Amaro must have sensed Sonny’s distress, because he smiled in a friendly, almost placating way and said, “Trust me, Carisi, you don’t want to meet her mom.”

Sonny smiled back. So Nick _was_ being sympathetic. That was considerate of him.

“ _His_ mom,” Sonny corrected. He didn’t want to lie by omission; he’d done it enough through the years, and he was past that now.

Amaro’s eyes widened for a second, but then he nodded encouragingly.

“Right. Well, that’s even worse. Guys and their mothers? Please. The more you put it off, the better.”

“You’ve got a point there,” replied Sonny with a chuckle. “And I’m Italian, I should know. Maybe I should feel good about this.”

“You definitely should. No good _ever_ comes from meeting the parents.”

Turns out, Nick could be really nice when he wanted to. To Sonny, even. Who knew?

“Thanks. That kinda helps,” Sonny said.

The funny thing was, it really did.

Just when Sonny thought they were done talking, Nick’s smile turned into a smirk; “So who’s the lucky guy? One of your law school buddies that you go bowling with?”

Sonny felt a momentary impulse to tell Nick the truth. And not just because of this latest display of kindness; Nick was the only member of the squad who didn’t know about Sonny and Rafael’s relationship. After almost an entire year, it was starting to get ridiculous. And, OK, maybe a small part of Sonny felt like telling Amaro just to get back at Rafael, though he quickly clamped down on that urge. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

So, instead, Sonny lied by omission after all.

“Nah, he’s not from school. And I wouldn’t exactly call him lucky.”

“Yeah, I figured that, Carisi, I was just being polite,” Amaro deadpanned and, OK, that was more like it.

“You got a funny way of doing that, Nick.”

Amaro smirked again; “Come on, let’s head back. Word is, you’re doing paperwork for beer. Can I get in on that?”

Sonny laughed as he and Amaro started walking back to their desks.

“For you, Nick? I’d do it for free. No wait, I meant scotch; I’d do it for scot–”

Crap.

As Sonny and Nick were rounding the corner, Sonny caught a glimpse of a very familiar-looking woman outside Benson’s office.

It was Rafael’s mother; Sonny had seen pictures of her, though the resemblance alone would’ve been enough to give it away. She was early.

_Crap._

It took Amaro a couple of seconds before he realized that Sonny had fallen several steps behind. He turned around, puzzled, only to find Sonny literally hiding behind the wall.

“What the hell?”

Amaro looked around the corner, trying to figure out what had spooked Sonny. And that he did.

“No... Carisi, come on. No!”

If Sonny wasn’t stressing out about Rafael’s mom, he would have laughed at loud. Also, he would have snapped a picture of Amaro’s face.

“Carisi, get real. This is a joke, right? _Barba_ is the guy? Your guy?”

Nick looked flabbergasted. Like that was the craziest thing he’d ever heard. Like he genuinely thought Sonny was pulling a prank on him. Yet again, Sonny chose not to take that as an insult.

“Look, Nick, I can’t…”

Sonny needed to hide. Quick. But first he had to explain, and he couldn’t believe he was about to regale Amaro with more of his woes. “He doesn’t–”

“Wait, he doesn’t want his mother to see you.”

“Exactly!” Sonny was exorbitantly relieved that Nick was catching on. “So, I’ll just hang out in one of the interview rooms for a while. You go ahead. Maybe, like, text me when she’s gone.”

Amaro looked like he had a million questions, but Sonny didn’t have time to–

Oh. Nick was following him into the room.

“You’re not getting off that easy. I’ve already met Barba’s mother, and I’m sure she won’t miss me. Why don’t I keep you company?”

It seemed that Amaro was up for some gossip. How ‘bout that. Sonny was only mildly annoyed at the imposition. Frankly, he mostly felt liberated. Now everyone knew. And, since Nick had been the last to find out, Sonny figured he deserved to get some details. Sure, Sonny would rather have this discussion, well, anywhere _but_ in a literal interrogation room, but he was in no position to argue.

“What do you wanna know, officer?” Sonny asked as he sat down.

“First of all, the chicken soup makes more sense now.”

Chuckling, Sonny said, “That’s not a question, Nick.”

“You want questions, Carisi? Where do I start? Meeting the parents, that’s a big deal, so this isn’t casual. How long you guys been together?”

“A year next month.”

Nick froze.

“I’m surprised Amanda never told you,” Sonny added, and, OK, he only said that because he wanted to see exactly how wide Nick’s eyes could get.

At first, Nick got cagey; “Why would Rollins tell _me,_ we’re n… Wait.”

There it was.

“Are you saying Amanda knows?”

“Everybody knows, Nick. You’re the last one.”

Nick no longer looked surprised. He looked almost offended, and Sonny genuinely felt bad, so he tried to explain.

“No, it’s not like that, it’s not like we all sat down and had a conversation and we forgot to invite you. It wasn’t planned, they all found out accidentally, over time. Fin basically walked in on u… uh…”

Now why had Sonny said _that?_

Nick no longer looked offended. He looked almost titillated.

“ _Really?_ How about that. Where? Here at the station?”

Sonny’s only answer was an incredulous look.

Nick cracked up, but then he turned serious.

“I get it, Carisi. If Amanda knows about you guys, I’m guessing you know about…”

Sonny nodded.

“Well, we’re not shouting it from the rooftops, either. It’s not easy, with the job and all. It’s hard enough to even… you know. When you got something good, you keep it protected. I get it.”

Sonny smiled. He never expected to hear anything like that from Amaro. Anything that supportive. That personal. Sure, maybe Nick had underestimated Sonny, a lot, but it seemed that Sonny had underestimated Nick too.

“OK, enough with the smiling,” Nick said gruffly and, for a second, Sonny was reminded of Rafael. Which was more than a little disconcerting.

“Oh and, by the way, what I said about mothers? It goes triple for Barba’s. She’s… She’s _something._ Consider yourself lucky, Carisi.”

Sonny smiled again, to Amaro’s amusement. He still felt a little disappointed – and, now, a little scared – but he’d had a really good talk with Amaro, and now the entire team knew, and Sonny could finally stop hiding.

As soon as Rafael’s mom left the building.

~ ~ ~

Rafael had called him twice. Rafael never called him twice. Sonny had been a little terse during the first phone call, and Rafael had actually called again, a while later, ‘just to check up on’ him. Sonny had barely held back a snort; he was positive Rafael had never uttered those words before, certainly not in that order.

Sonny was at his apartment, packing another box before he headed to Rafael’s, but he was doing it without his usual excitement. On an unrelated note, Sonny had also packed 75 percent of his Mets jerseys – plus a few of the jackets – in that one box, just to annoy Rafael who always thought they were tacky.

It had only been a few hours since the whole ‘hide so my mom doesn’t see you’ incident, and Sonny hadn’t done that since high school, and he couldn’t help feeling lousy. The worst part was that Rafael hadn’t even done anything that bad; Sonny knew that everybody had a different family situation, and that was a very personal matter, and no one had the right to butt in.

Well, that still didn’t stop Sonny from feeling less than; from feeling that he wasn’t ‘meet the parents’ material. He hated how his insecurities still crept up at him at times, and he hated how he was acting – exacting revenge via Mets jerseys? Very mature. Even so, he couldn’t exactly snap out of it, not that fast. So what if he was a little gloomy for an evening? Rafael would live.

Or would he? Sonny’s phone rang again, for the third time in the last hour and a half. Sonny had to admit it; Rafael’s out-of-character attentiveness was definitely improving his mood.

“Hello?”

“Sonny, hey. Are you done packing that box yet? If you’re not, just forget it and come over, you’ll bring it tomorrow. It’s getting late.”

“Sorry, who’s this?”

“Ha ha. How long does it take you to pack one box, anyway? Just stuff it with all your khakis and you’ll be done in 2 minutes.”

Sonny chuckled. Maybe he’d leave the box, take some of the Mets regalia out; “Fine, but only because you called me 12 times.”

“ _Bye,_ Sonny.”

~ ~ ~

Rafael got up to greet Sonny as soon as he walked through the door. Sonny couldn’t help thinking that Rafael was really going all out; usually he just looked up from whatever document he happened to be working on, just for a second, and Sonny had to try to distract him. Not very hard, because Rafael was easily distracted, at least by Sonny, but still.

At any rate, Sonny wasn’t about to complain; Rafael was kissing him, a little too hard, and it felt great, and it felt like an apology, and that wasn’t a bad way to settle their argument.

“I’m sorry about today, Sonny.”

‘Not bad’ had just turned into ‘great’. Rafael looked genuinely sorry, and he had even uttered the actual words. That was enough for Sonny.

“It’s OK. It was actually pretty nostalgic. I hadn’t hidden from anybody’s mom since I was, like, 17. Good times. At least you didn’t ask me to jump out a window. But seriously, it’s OK. It’s your family, your business.”

Rafael seemed a little uncomfortable.

“You know I don’t talk to my mother about my personal life, not in detail. She knows there’s someone, but not much more than that.”

“I get it, Rafi. I can wait.”

Rafael got even more uncomfortable, for some reason.

“It’s not about waiting… I don’t exactly make it a habit to introduce my boyfriends to my mother.”

For a second, Sonny felt irrationally upset at being lumped together with all of Rafael’s previous boyfriends.

“I told you, I’m in no rush to meet her,” Sonny said. “I’m sure I will, eventually. I mean, we’re moving in together, I assume you won’t keep kicking me out every time she drops by for a visit.”

Rafael’s eyes were suddenly wider. And he looked distinctly guilty.

Sonny started feeling rationally upset; it seemed that Rafael truly did not want Sonny to meet his mother; not even in the distant future. Maybe Rafael’s mommy issues were bigger than Sonny realized.

“Come on, Rafi, seriously? We’ve been together for a whole year!”

“One _whole_ year?” retorted Rafael, with more sarcasm than was necessary. “Kids in high school have longer relationships. A year is nothing, Sonny.”

Sonny pulled away. And he was pretty sure he was pouting, but at least it was with good reason.

“Yeah, well, we’re not in high school. And a year isn’t ‘nothing’. It’s a start,” Sonny said defensively.

“No, I know, it’s just...” Rafael was fidgeting, and that was a strange sight; “If I’m going to introduce someone to my mother, it has to be one hundred percent serious.”

“And we’re not? That’s news to me.”

Sonny was starting to get a little het up. Had Rafael suggested they weren’t serious? And had he said _‘if’?_

“No, that’s not what I…” Rafael was struggling for words; if you asked Sonny, he was doing a piss-poor job of finding the right ones.

“Oh, I _know_ that’s not what you meant,” Sonny interjected. “Because I know you. If you didn’t think this was serious, you wouldn’t have wasted 11 _minutes_ on me, let alone 11 months.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Another apology? Rafael had apologized more in the last 2 minutes than he had in the previous year; “This isn’t easy for me, Sonny, I don’t–”

“What isn’t easy? Telling your mother period, or telling her about me?”

Rafael looked at Sonny in confusion.

“Look Rafi, you can drop the act. Yeah, maybe it’s ‘only’ been a year. But we’re moving in together, and I don’t see you being conflicted about that. This is all about me meeting your mom. So what’s the real problem?”

“There’s no problem.”

Rafael’s confusion was slowly morphing into irritation; Sonny knew he’d probably regret this whole conversation, but he kept pushing.

“Really? So it just so happened that you met my folks basically on a whim, when we had barely started dating, but it’s been a year and I still can’t meet your precious mother?”

Rafael looked like he’d been slapped. Sonny couldn’t imagine why; he thought he was making a pretty good point in a – mostly – civil way.

“Some people don’t share everything with their parents, Sonny,” Rafael snapped. It seemed that Sonny had struck a nerve; “But maybe that’s hard for you to grasp, what with your family being totally inappropriate and having absolutely no boundaries.”

Sonny’s patience was wearing thin. He couldn’t figure out why Rafael was playing down their relationship, or putting down Sonny’s family. Not when Sonny knew full well that Rafael didn’t mean any of it.

“You like my family just fine. You’re always buying presents for Anna.”

“She’s a baby, of course I like her. The rest of your family, I could take or leave,” Rafael snapped again.

Sonny’s temper was starting to get the better of him. Rafael was turning the conversation around on him, trying to get Sonny to lose focus with all these insults.

“Yeah right. Stop deflecting, Rafi, and say what you’re really thinking.”

“What _exactly_ do you want me to tell you, Sonny?”

“The truth. That you don’t think I’m good enough.”

Rafael stared.

Sonny kept talking.

“That you can meet my family whenever you want, ‘cause to you we’re just a bunch of plebs from Staten Island, and you’re a Harvard-educated ADA, and of course you’ll impress ‘em.

“But I can’t meet your mother ‘cause I’m just some cop, and I say the wrong things sometimes, and you love me ‘cause you have bad taste, and you can present me to your friends ‘cause I know how to have a good time, but you can’t present me to your family, because that actually means something to you, and you think I can’t cut it.”

Rafael looked like he’d been slapped again, but Sonny was too busy getting riled up to wonder why.

Exhaling deeply, Rafael spoke.

“You got me, Sonny. I meet your family, and the worst case scenario is, they don’t have the wherewithal to appreciate how refined I am.

“But you meet my mother, and you say something stupid, and then I’ll have to answer to her. I’ll have to justify, to my mother, my very questionable decision to move in with a Neanderthal like you. I’ll have to explain what the hell I ever saw in you in the first place, and a pair of cute dimples won’t be enough to sway _her.”_

Another insult.

The difference was, Sonny believed this one. Maybe because, this time, Rafael sounded pretty convincing. Like his normal, everyday, sarcastic self. Or, maybe, because Rafael only confirmed Sonny’s suspicions.

Sonny got the sinking feeling that things were about to get even worse, but he couldn’t hold his tongue.

“You know what? You can keep dissing my family, and me, and you can wear your fancy suits and pretend you’re some uptown big-shot, but that’s not really who you are. You didn’t grow up going on vacations to St. Barts and chilling on yachts. Your family is no better than my family, and you’re no better than me. You just act like you are.”

Dammit. Sonny was getting emotional.

But Rafael wasn’t. He remained calm, and collected, and the only thing betraying his aggravation was a single raised eyebrow.

“What is it Sonny? Are you gonna start moping again? Like you did before? Be careful, maybe I won’t feel sorry for you this time.”

Rafael said that last part casually. Coldly.

Sonny bit the inside of his lip.

“What? Now you pick the time to shut up?” Rafael asked.

Sonny nodded. Then he turned around and left. Rafael didn’t try to stop him.

~ ~ ~

Sonny couldn’t even remember getting back to his apartment. One minute he was leaving Rafael’s place – and he was really proud of himself because he hadn’t slammed the door – and the next, he was at his own place, tripping over that goddamn box full of Mets crap that he’d probably have to unpack now, because his big mouth had ruined everything, as always.

Why had he pushed? Why hadn’t he just accepted that Rafael needed some time, without asking for a reason? Why had they fought over something that didn’t really matter? Sonny didn’t care if he never met Rafael’s mother, not if it meant…

Sonny wasn’t sure what the fight meant. All he knew was that it had escalated very quickly. Part of him thought that was normal; it would be weird for a couple _not_ to fight when their parents were thrown in the mix. Not to mention, Sonny and Rafael had never really had it out before, not like that, so maybe they were just due.

But another part of Sonny, the part that had started the fight in the first place, was thinking that he had messed up. That he had been way too harsh, too rude, too inconsiderate. That Rafael had been right to snap.

Sure, Rafael had been harsh too, but only because Sonny had provoked him. And, yeah, it stung when Rafael said he had felt sorry for Sonny, but…

Actually, there was no but. That had stung. A lot. In a weird way, Sonny felt like he had been transported back in time, back to when he and Rafael were still just colleagues at odds, back when he used to think that Rafael only humored him out of pity. Sonny hated that time.

Except he didn’t, not really; because, where Rafael was concerned, Sonny had always been willing to just get what he could. To accept insults, even, or taunts, because that was better than nothing. Because, back then, that was all Sonny ever thought he’d get.

Obviously, Sonny had been wrong about that. So, somewhere along the line, Sonny started thinking that he had also been wrong about Rafael humoring him. Sonny started believing that those fond looks Rafael used to give him were never borne out of pity; that they were borne out of genuine, if reluctant, affection.

At least that’s what Sonny thought, until Rafael snapped and told him the truth.

Sonny sighed.

He wanted to get out of his clothes, he wanted to take a shower, he wanted to stop thinking, he wanted to pretend like nothing had ever happened. Most of all, Sonny wanted to go back home, to where Rafael was, instead of spending a miserable night in his own half-empty apartment.

Unfortunately, all that was easier said than done. Except the shower; the shower was doable. So, Sonny went to grab some fresh clothes, some pajamas, whatever he could find. Anything, except those Mets jerseys that he couldn’t even look at anymore.

That was when Sonny realized that ‘half-empty’ was an understatement. Sonny’s closet was almost totally empty, save for some old clothes and all his khakis, actually – and did Rafael keep track of the whereabouts of Sonny’s clothes? He probably did. Everything else was at Rafael’s. Sonny could barely scrounge up an old pair of boxers and a t-shirt from back when he was at the academy.

Sonny must have stayed in the shower for an hour. When he got out, he checked his phone. This time, Rafael hadn’t called him three times, or even once. This time, Rafael hadn’t asked him to come home, not like he did after their earlier argument. Sonny wasn’t surprised.

~ ~ ~

The next morning, Sonny could barely get out of bed. He had tossed and turned all night, and he had only fallen asleep at around 4 o’clock, and he didn’t even know how he was going to get through the day.

And he never found out. It was like the day had gone from 8am to 8pm. Sonny was about to punch out, and the entire day had been a blur; the only thing he distinctly remembered was a crack from Amaro; something about Sonny owing him drinks, for waiting 5 extra months to let him in on the secret.

It seemed that Nick had compared notes with the others. If Sonny hadn’t been feeling so bad, he’d have found that amusing, cute even; he’d have asked for details on what had surely been a hilarious conversation. As it was, Sonny had just shrugged and said he was tired because he hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep. When Rollins had raised a suggestive eyebrow, Sonny had struggled to smile.

Sonny kept thinking this had been the first day that everyone on the team knew, and he hadn’t been able to enjoy it. The first day that Sonny wouldn’t need to pretend, and it had been ruined. The first day that Sonny wouldn’t have to find a quiet corner just to talk to Rafael on the phone, and Rafael hadn’t called him.

On the bright side, the day was over. Sonny reached for his jacket; it was an old jacket, from one of those cheap, ill-fitting suits he used to wear, back in his early days at Manhattan SVU. He’d left that suit behind, at his place, on purpose. He was going to get rid of it, donate it maybe, because he knew that Rafael would never let it anywhere near his closet. Well, Sonny was wearing it now; if anybody noticed, they didn’t say anything.

Just as Sonny was leaving, Benson stopped him, looking a little concerned.

“You alright, there, Carisi?”

So, she had noticed how spaced-out he’d been all day. Great. Another reason for Sonny to feel like a screwup.

“Yeah, Sarge, I’m fine, I just didn’t sleep very well.”

Benson eyed him suspiciously. With good reason; she had probably heard that generic excuse a million times.

Sonny decided to be a little more specific.

“Um, there was a block party in my neighborhood. Too much noise, you know?”

Yeah, going by Benson’s expression, Sonny had probably made things worse for himself.

“Right. Well, I hope you sleep better tonight.”

If only he were that lucky.

Sonny nodded dumbly, and he took off as quickly as he could, short of literally breaking into a jog. As soon as he stepped out on the street, meaning to head home, he paused.

‘Home’.

Sonny couldn’t even pretend that he thought of his own place as ‘home’ anymore. Sure, his name was on the lease, but Sonny had stopped considering it his home months ago. He almost thought of it as a storage unit. As that place where he still kept a bunch of his stuff, because Rafael still hadn’t cleared up some space in his bookcase so Sonny hadn’t been able to bring over his books yet and–

_Yet._

Sonny hated that he was proving Rafael right. One fight, and he was sulking like a teenager and assuming the worst. Sonny tried to get a grip; he tried to convince himself that it was just a fight, and there was no reason for him to feel like this.

There was no reason for Sonny to feel like Rafael might change his mind about living together. And there was certainly no reason for Sonny to feel like Rafael might want to break things off, just because Sonny was a pathetic Neanderthal. Rafael was into that. Right?

At least Rafael hadn’t said anything specific, and Sonny was pretty sure that was a good thing. Sonny was also pretty sure that, if Rafael Barba wanted to dump you, you’d _know_.

But that didn’t mean that Sonny felt hopeful. Because Rafael had said, verbatim, that moving in with Sonny was a ‘questionable decision’. Did that mean he was reconsidering? Or did Rafael still want to go through with it, but against his better judgment? Much like being with Sonny in general?

Sonny didn’t want to admit it, but he felt rejected. Again. Last time Sonny had felt that way, he had filled out a bunch of transfer request forms. The time before that, and the time before that, and the time before that, he had actually transferred out.

Sonny had a history of bailing.

Sonny didn’t like feeling rejected, he didn’t like feeling inadequate. He knew he had his faults, of course he did; but he meant well, and he was easy-going, and he was understanding, and he could take a lot of criticism, and he always saw it as an opportunity to improve.

That didn’t mean that Sonny didn’t have his limits.

And, more than that, Sonny had his pride. After a certain point, after a certain amount of effort, Sonny would always choose leaving over begging; for acceptance, for respect, or for love.

Sonny still remembered a college boyfriend jokingly telling him that he was ‘cute, but not serious relationship material’; he still remembered one of his ex-girlfriends, a cop, casually suggesting that he was ‘eager, but lacked ambition’, back when they were both barely out of the academy.

Sure, Sonny had tried to prove them wrong, like he always did, but they hadn’t taken him seriously. Which was a common occurrence in Sonny’s life. By the end, his pride had gotten irreparably wounded – another common occurrence – and Sonny had chosen to leave.

Sonny had chosen to leave in search of something else, something better. Again, like he always did. For all his insecurities, Sonny was an optimist deep down. He knew he’d eventually get what he wanted, and he knew he’d have to earn it, and he knew he’d have to work hard to keep it. But he refused to get it out of pity. Sonny Carisi would be no one’s charity case.

That was why Rafael’s words had stung so much. Rafael had flat-out said that he had ‘felt sorry’ for Sonny. And that was the one thing Sonny never wanted to hear from anybody, let alone the man he loved.

Frankly, Sonny felt like shit.

But he didn’t feel like leaving.

Sonny didn’t want to bail, not this time. As he stood on the sidewalk outside the precinct, all he wanted was to go find Rafael, to explain, to apologize. He didn’t care about his pride. And he didn’t care if Rafael _had_ felt sorry for him, at first, because Sonny was sure that Rafael didn’t feel sorry for him anymore, and he was sure that Rafael loved him, and he loved Rafael back.

So what if Sonny had to beg, this once? He’d do it. It was worth it.

Sonny decided to act before he lost his nerve. So, he headed ‘home’. To Rafael’s place. To their place, if the offer still stood – and Sonny would do his best to make sure that it did.

It was probably too early for Rafael to be done with work, but Sonny was determined to wait as long as he had to. And he was also determined not to call ahead. If Rafael didn’t want to live with Sonny anymore, he’d have to say it to Sonny’s face.

~ ~ ~

Sonny didn’t even realize that he had used his keys to get into Rafael’s building; not until he was at Rafael’s front door, with the house key in his hand. Sonny felt weird about using that one; about waiting for Rafael inside his apartment, lurking in the shadows like some lovelorn stalker.

So, Sonny stayed outside. He sat on the stairs and he tried very hard not to overthink what he was about to do.

He didn’t really succeed.

Sonny thought about the fight. Their first big, serious fight. But not their first fight, period. He and Rafael would fight pretty often, actually, about everyday things. Rafael would say something hilariously offensive, and Sonny would sass him back, and sometimes it would get pretty heated, but in the end they would always make up.

Even when Rafael would taunt Sonny about the Mets; because, apparently, Rafael liked the Yankees, even though he didn’t even watch baseball, which was a reason to fight in itself – ‘maybe if you buy one more cap, Sonny, their season will turn around!’

Even when Sonny would momentarily doze off at the opera; something that seemed to offend Rafael on a deeply personal level. Which he would then externalize by nudging Sonny a little too hard to wake him up – ‘you’re drooling on your tux, Sonny.’

Even when Rafael would keep squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle; which, frankly, was a show of blatant disregard for Sonny’s perfectly justified nagging – ‘you’ll just squeeze it from the end and fix it anyway, Sonny, why should I bother?’

Even when Sonny would kick the covers off the bed; Rafael’s body heat was enough to keep Sonny warm, anything more and he’d melt. Which didn’t sit well with Rafael, who claimed he needed an extra blanket just because of Sonny’s cold feet – ‘God, Sonny, it’s like sleeping next to an icicle.’

Even when Rafael would turn down Sonny’s invitations to go out; because he was ‘too tired’, and he’d rather stay in. Sonny liked to point out that Rafael was just sitting at his desk all day, while Sonny himself was busting his ass out on the street, which always made Rafael mad – ‘mental labor is just as hard, Sonny, but you wouldn’t know.’

Even when Sonny would interrupt Rafael while he was trying to work; apparently, hilarious fail videos, not to mention the Carisi Clan’s Facebook status updates, were simply beneath Rafael – ‘none of this is relevant to my interests, Sonny. How do I unsubscribe?’

Even when Rafael would practically wrestle books out of Sonny’s hands whenever he was feeling amorous; which was extra-annoying because, for some reason, watching Sonny read a book always put Rafael in the mood. Sonny had been trying to finish the last Game of Thrones installment for over 3 months – ‘just watch the show, Sonny.’

Even when Sonny would let the dishes pile up; sometimes overnight, especially if Rafael was already asleep by the time Sonny got home. Which was literally Sonny’s one job, because Rafael always did the cooking, and he hated doing the dishes, but he hated seeing dirty dishes even more – ‘the longer you leave them in the sink, the harder you’ll have to scrub later. Didn’t your mother teach you anything, Sonny?’

Even when Rafael would take too long in the shower; Sonny needed extra time in the mornings, to get his hair to sit just right, and Rafael knew that. Which didn’t seem to faze him, because sometimes Rafael would even ruffle Sonny’s hair, usually 5 minutes before he had to leave for work, and that was incredibly irritating – ‘you look better when your hair is less stiff, Sonny.’

Even when Sonny would take forever to wake up in the mornings; which meant that his alarm clock would unfailingly wake Rafael up, and then Rafael would take great pleasure in whacking Sonny awake with a pillow or, sometimes, with a book. And, one time, with the alarm clock itself – ‘can you hear it _now,_ Sonny?’

Sonny momentarily questioned his desire to live with Rafael; but only momentarily.

The point was, Sonny and Rafael would fight but they would always make up. And Sonny didn’t want to stop fighting.

Sonny’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the elevator doors opening. Sonny jumped up, and he hoped he wasn’t about to ambush one of Rafael’s neighbors.

Fortunately, it was indeed Rafael who came out of the elevator, and his head was down, and he looked kind of tired, and also kind of sad; or maybe Sonny was projecting.

Rafael didn’t see him at first; Sonny had to walk right up to him, he had to wait until Rafael’s eyes rose to meet his.

Rafael seemed startled, just for a second, and then he exhaled.

“How can you show up like this, Sonny?”

Sonny’s jaw dropped. Had he made a mistake? Should he have given Rafael more tim–

“In such a cheap suit? I thought you’d gotten rid of this monstrosity. I should have burned it when I had the chance.”

Sonny let out the breath he was holding. Apparently, Rafael could still find it in him to insult Sonny’s fashion sense. Weirdly, that struck Sonny as a good sign.

Rafael took out his keys and unlocked the door, leaving it open behind him. At least Sonny was allowed inside.

By the time Sonny got in the apartment, Rafael had already taken off his coat, but he was still standing. Sonny took off his coat too, and he folded it, and he carefully placed it over the back of the couch, and he felt weird being so proper because usually he just chucked it somewhere and Rafael always picked it up and…

And Sonny needed to focus.

Rafael was standing in front of Sonny, and his head was down again, and Sonny figured he’d better start talking. He’d start talking, and he’d talk until Rafael stopped him. Forcibly, if necessary.

“Look, Rafi…”

Rafael’s eyes snapped up as soon as he heard the nickname. Sonny had used it out of habit, and now he couldn’t tell if Rafael was mad or not; he couldn’t tell what Rafael’s expression meant, and that was a first.

Sonny soldiered on.

“I’m sorry. About everything. I shouldn’t have pushed. It was none of my business. I didn’t… I don’t even want to meet your mother that badly, it wasn’t about that. I just hated that you were so against it. I mean, you asked me to hide from her, and then you basically said I might never meet her, and I guess I got worked up because, I don’t know, do you think I’m that bad?”

Dammit. Sonny was doing it again. He was going to blow it.

Rafael tried to speak, but Sonny didn’t let him.

“Wait, no, I know I’m moping, just like you said. And I know you said you wouldn’t feel sorry for me this time. But you have to, Rafi.”

Rafael’s eyes widened.

Sonny didn’t stop to think what that meant. He couldn’t afford to. He just kept on.

“You were right. All of it, it’s true. I know I’m not the most sophisticated person. And maybe you _are_ making a questionable decision. The thing is, I still want to move in. Here. With you. And if I gotta beg, I’ll do it. And if you gotta feel sorry for me to let me stay, then go ahead. Because I love you, and I don’t wanna mess this up.”

Rafael took a deep breath.

He looked very sad – and, this time, Sonny could tell. Was Rafael about to kick him out? Had Sonny really ruined everyth–

“I never felt sorry for you, Sonny. I never should have said that. It’s not true. I only said it because I knew it would get to you. Because I can be a real asshole when I’m mad, and sometimes even when I’m not, and I wanted to shut you up because you hit a nerve.”

What? So Rafael hadn’t–

“And who said anything about you not moving in? Of course I still want you to move in. Most of your stuff is here, anyway. You might as well bring the rest. Plus, I’ve already rearranged my bookcase, as you can see. It would be terribly inconvenient for me to have to put everything back.”

Sonny’s eyes immediately went to Rafael’s bookcase. Which was now half-empty, with many of Rafael’s books stacked instead of neatly laid out, leaving plenty of free space. For Sonny’s books. When had Rafael even done that? Right after their fight? Even though Sonny–

Sonny suddenly felt something hit the side of his head. Surprised, he bent down to pick up the projectile, only to realize that it was…

It was a bright green stuffed elephant. Which Rafael had thrown at him.

“Here. I got that for Anna. Out of guilt. Because I was such a jerk to her uncle.”

Sonny stared at the toy in his hand, and his chest started feeling lighter.

“Oh, and I wasn’t right about anything. I was completely wrong. And I’m really sorry. And I love you too. Very much, as you may recall. So. I think I’ve covered all of your concerns, Sonny. Will there be anything else?”

Rafael was looking at Sonny, and he was smirking, and his left eyebrow was raised, but in a good way.

Sonny grinned. He felt like an idiot for having worried so much in the first place but, mostly, he felt very happy.

“Yeah, Rafi, there will be something else. Can you stop being so flip for a friggin’ second? I was worried, here. I mean, I half-expected you to dump me, and now you’re being all–”

“Wait.”

It seemed that Sonny had gotten his wish; Rafael’s smirk had been replaced by a very serious, very incredulous look; “You didn’t honestly think I would leave you? Over one fight?”

“Well, now that you say it out loud…” Yep. Sonny felt like an idiot, alright.

Rafael looked offended that Sonny had even mentioned a break-up. That he’d even considered it. With good reason, as Sonny realized in retrospect.

At first, Sonny tried to downplay it.

“No, come on, I was joking. I didn’t really think you were gonna dump me. Mostly I was just afraid you were gonna kick me out.”

Sonny was the one being flip now, and Rafael did not look amused. That wasn’t going to cut it; Sonny needed to give a real answer.

“You know how I worry, Rafi. I don’t mean to. And, sure, now that I can think straight, I get that it was just a fight. But last night? Or, like, 5 minutes ago? That’s a different story.”

Sonny gave Rafael one of his patented charming smiles – the ones that were half-smile, half-wince and all-dimple – and Rafael relented. He nodded, and he smiled back, and he took a few steps toward Sonny. Sonny met him halfway.

Rafael kissed Sonny, long and hard, on the lips, and then he kissed Sonny’s cheek, and then Sonny’s jaw. Then, Rafael pressed his lips right above Sonny’s shirt collar, and then he inhaled, and then he just stayed there; breathing deeply, his face burrowing into the crook of Sonny’s neck, his hands clutching at the lapels of Sonny’s ugly jacket.

Sonny had missed this to an embarrassing degree – embarrassing, because it had been less than 24 hours. Sonny put his arms around Rafael’s shoulders, pulled Rafael closer, flush against him; Rafael slid his arms around Sonny’s waist and he squeezed way too tight. Sonny squeezed back.

A few moments later, Rafael shifted in Sonny’s arms, and he muttered something.

Sonny almost didn’t hear it; he was too caught up in the feel of Rafael’s stubble against his neck. He was too busy leaning down, tracing Rafael’s jawline with his lips.

“I can’t believe you actually thought I would leave you, Sonny. You still haven’t figured out that I’d never…”

_Never?_

Rafael must have caught himself, because he stopped talking. Very abruptly. Before Sonny could say anything, Rafael tried to distract him; first by mouthing at his Adam’s apple, and then by reaching for Sonny’s tie – just as ugly as the suit – and undoing it.

As if Sonny would let ‘never’ go without comment. As if Sonny were that easy.

Actually, Sonny _was_ that easy. So he let Rafael kiss his neck for a while.

Just when Rafael probably thought he was safe, Sonny pulled back a little, just enough to get a good look at his face.

“Never?” Sonny teased.

Rafael rolled his eyes.

“I was exaggerating for effect. You’re lucky I’ve already made dinner reservations for our 1-year anniversary, at a very exclusive restaurant. Their ridiculously high cancellation fee is the only thing keeping us together.”

“Whatever you say, Rafi,” Sonny replied with a grin.

Rafael narrowed his eyes, like he always did when Sonny got cocky, but then he turned serious.

“You know, I wouldn’t move in with just anyone, Sonny. I’ve never lived with anybody before. I never saw the point in it. I always thought it was more trouble than it was worth. But then…”

Sonny’s grin got even wider; _“But then_ you got the flu, and I was gone for a week, and you realized that you couldn’t live without me.”

Rafael looked right at Sonny.

“I can’t. Live without you. I don’t want to. I want you here.”

For once, Rafael wasn’t rolling his eyes, and he wasn’t raising an eyebrow, and he wasn’t being sarcastic. He just looked sincere; like he wanted Sonny to know, like he wanted to make himself perfectly clear, all because Sonny had been stupid enough to think, even for a minute, that Rafael might leave him.

Sonny could only nod and stare. His heart was beating a little faster – fine, a lot faster – and, frankly, he was having a hard time handling this earnest, sarcasm-free version of Rafael. Sonny always joked that he hated how Rafael just had to follow a heartfelt confession with a cranky comment. Well, now that he’d only gotten the heartfelt confession, Sonny didn’t know what to do with himself.

Wait, false alarm. Rafael was rolling his eyes again.

“Relax, Sonny. I’m just saying that so you know where I stand. So you won’t think I dumped you if I happen to chew you out, say, for taking a nap during Tosca in two weeks.”

Sonny smiled. That was more like it.

“I know where you stand, Rafi. Look, can I just say something, and then we can put this whole thing behind us?”

“ _Please.”_ Rafael had clearly had enough of this conversation, and so had Sonny, but there were still a few matters that needed clearing up.

“OK, last night you said a lot of things about us, and about my family, and I–”

“I didn’t mean any of that,” Rafael interrupted, suddenly looking very guilty. “I was deflecting, as you said. I was trying to pick a fight so you’d stop asking questions.”

“Yeah, I figured, that’s why I didn’t believe a word of it,” Sonny replied. “But then you said all that stuff about feeling sorry for me, and about having to explain what you ever saw in me, and that kinda hit me where I live, you know? That’s why I overreacted.

“I’m used to people thinking I’m not good enough. And I used to think that’s how you saw me too, back when we first met. So when you said that, it was easy for me to believe it. Even though, rationally, I know that’s not how you feel. I just… That’s kind of a blind spot for me. I wasn’t really thinking.”

Rafael looked even guiltier now, which was the exact opposite of what Sonny wanted.

“Like I said, Sonny, I was trying to pick a fight, and nothing else was working. I wanted to get out of the conversation and you wouldn’t take the bait, so I had to say something even worse.”

Sonny hadn’t realized that Rafael had been so calculating; that he’d managed to stay in control despite losing his temper. That was impressive…ly scary. But also, very Rafael.

“Well, now I wish I’d fallen for _‘we’re not serious, a year is nothing’._ That would’ve saved me a lot of stress,” Sonny joked.

Rafael’s face hit peak guilt.

“Ugh, I can’t believe I said that. It’s not nothing. It hasn’t been nothing. It’s basically been the happiest year of my life.”

Sonny’s eyebrows met his hairline. Maybe he and Rafael should fight more often.

Rafael scoffed. Hilariously.

“ _Anyway,_ as I was saying, you wouldn’t fall for any of the other crap I said, and you’d already decided you knew the ‘real reason’ I was hiding you from my mother, so I let you believe you were right. I didn’t stop to think how you’d feel. Because I was mad. And because I’m an inconsiderate asshole. Also, did I mention I’m sorry? And I love you? Very much?”

Sonny chuckled. He and Rafael should definitely fight more often.

“It’s OK, Rafi. I said some pretty bad stuff too, and I’m–”

Rafael shook his head, and he pulled Sonny closer again.

“Forget about it. I have. And, while we’re on the subject, I should probably tell you the real reason I asked you to hide from my mother.”

Sonny’s ears perked up. It wasn’t often that Rafael talked about his mother, and Sonny was eager to learn whatever he could, whatever Rafael was willing to share.

“I’ve just never had this conversation with her, Sonny. About being in love, about the men I was in love with. Never. That hasn’t been a part of our relationship. Granted, I didn’t have much to talk about, not in the past few years. Not before you. But even when I did, when I was younger, I still wouldn’t go to her. I always, uh…

“My mother can be overly critical. More than me, even, if you can imagine that. And I never wanted to invite that criticism to my personal life. Mostly because I do a pretty good job of criticizing myself, you know? It seemed redundant to have my mom chime in, too. So I’d just leave her out of it. Except I can’t do that anymore, because…”

Rafael paused for several moments.

“I assume this has something to do with that nerve I hit?” Sonny asked.

Rafael gave Sonny a small nod.

Sonny hadn’t figured out exactly what had set Rafael off, but it was clear that Rafael still had a hard time talking about it, and Sonny didn’t want to add to his discomfort.

“So, forget about that too. You can tell me whenever. I’m done pushing.”

“Okay,” Rafael said quietly. “It wasn’t your fault, by the way. You had no way of knowing. I’ll explain. _Whenever._ And I do want you to meet my mom. I’m just… trying to figure out a way to change my relationship with her, to include that part of my life. And that’s not easy, not after so many years, and I know you’re caught in the middle, but I’m trying.”

Sonny kissed Rafael. Gently, deeply, and for a long time. He hadn’t realized what Rafael had been dealing with; he’d been too preoccupied with his own insecurities to even consider that Rafael might have some insecurities of his own. Sonny felt like kicking himself, and he felt even guiltier for pressing the subject. No wonder Rafael had snapped.

Still, none of that mattered anymore. They had cleared the air, and Sonny was still moving in, and he was kissing Rafael, and Rafael was humming softly, and everything was fine.

After a few minutes – and at least 3 unsuccessful attempts by Sonny to pull away, all thwarted by Rafael’s strong grip on his neck – Sonny managed to break the kiss and catch his breath.

“Should we take this to _our_ bedroom, Rafi?”

Rafael smirked. Suspiciously.

“Of course. After all, you need to get some rest. I heard you didn’t sleep very well last night.”

Sonny narrowed his eyes; “Where did you hear th–”

 _No._ Rafael _hadn’t._

Rafael grinned as he lightly shoved Sonny toward the bedroom.

“A _block party,_ Sonny? You’re lucky Liv didn’t laugh in your face.”


	6. Full Disclosure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 18 months in. Rafael's mother visits.

It was that time of the year again. It was that time of the year, and Rafael was trying to keep it together, and his mom was about to pop by for one of her visits, and Sonny was about to leave their apartment, for fear of running into her. All because Rafael still couldn’t bring himself to just talk to his own mother like an adult, even though he wanted to, and even though it was way overdue, and… 

And it was a good thing Rafael had Sonny; otherwise, he’d probably have a hard time making it through the day. And by ‘probably’ Rafael meant ‘definitely’. Rafael had long stopped pretending he didn’t need Sonny to function, though he couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment when Sonny had gone from a fun distraction to a necessity. 

Early on, before they had gotten together, Rafael had spent 4 months coming up with excuses to see Sonny, to run into him, to be alone with him, to casually touch him. But, back then, it was all like a fun little game for Rafael; something that made him smile, something that made Sonny blush. Back then, Rafael didn’t  _need_ Sonny. 

Later, when they were about to go on their first official date, Rafael had found those transfer request forms and he had gotten a little too worried. Uncharacteristically so. Fortunately, everything had worked out in the end, and Rafael had felt relieved. Again, uncharacteristically so. But still, back then, Rafael was just afraid he might miss his chance at something good. Back then, Rafael didn’t  _need_ Sonny.

About 6 months after that, when Sonny had told Rafael that he loved him, Rafael had realized, never more than in that one moment, how happy Sonny made him. How Sonny could say one little thing – or, OK, a huge thing – and make Rafael forget about everything else. But still, back then, Rafael just felt a strong pull. A desire. He loved Sonny. Wanted him. Back then, Rafael didn’t  _need_ Sonny. 

Then, about a year in, when Rafael had gotten the flu, he had been forced to spend a whole week without Sonny. Rafael had been struck by how empty his apartment seemed without a lanky detective to take up all the space. He had missed seeing Sonny’s face, first thing in the morning, or finding Sonny asleep in his armchair – and, yes, the armchair was officially Sonny’s by that point. But still, back then, Rafael just enjoyed Sonny’s company. He felt good when Sonny was around. Back then, Rafael didn’t  _need_ Sonny. 

But now? After a year and a half with Sonny? After more than 6 months of harmonious cohabitation? Now that Rafael knew what it felt like to come home to Sonny? To be exhausted, or even upset, because sometimes verdicts would go the other way, and to be greeted by the kind eyes and the weary smile of someone who understood? 

Now that Rafael truly knew what he’d be missing if he didn’t have Sonny in his life?

Now that Rafael sounded like somebody out of a Hallmark movie? Like the ones Sonny would always watch, not to mention record, clogging up the DVR? Because Sonny liked the happy endings? Even though he  _claimed_ it was because his sisters used to make him watch that stuff, when he was a kid, and now he was addicted?

Yeah. There was no question.

Rafael needed Sonny now.

And ‘now’ was literal. Rafael needed Sonny in that exact moment, because his mom was less than 30 minutes away, and he wasn’t ready, and he needed a hug but he’d never ask for one.

Rafael would never ask for a hug because he never had to; Sonny seemed to have a sixth sense about that sort of thing. About Rafael needing him. Sonny always knew. Even when Rafael himself was cagey and wouldn’t admit that something was on his mind. Which, incidentally, was a random example; not what Rafael had been doing for the previous week. Not at all.

Sonny always knew. And that meant that he never asked any questions. Sonny never pushed, not anymore. But he was always there. And Rafael had come to depend on him. For a lot of things. 

Sure, there were the hugs, namely Sonny’s way of showing emotional support physically, because he knew Rafael didn’t take well to verbal encouragement. Comforting words always made Rafael feel needy, weak; which he was, sometimes, but which he didn’t like to admit. 

Instead, Sonny had figured out other small ways of being there for Rafael, especially when they were at work; a stolen kiss, a hand on a shoulder, a brush of the fingers, any little thing he could get away with. On some days, on the bad days, Rafael felt like Sonny’s fleeting touches were the only thing holding him up.

But Sonny had other, more practical virtues too; he was actually a great help to Rafael on a professional level. Sonny was a surprisingly good sounding board for Rafael’s closing arguments, providing commentary that was always colorful and very frequently useful. Every so often, they would also practice cross-examination, with Sonny posing as a hostile witness. 

Sonny had a knack for that, actually; once in a while, he would even manage to stump Rafael. Only momentarily, of course. Still, every time he did, he’d get a proud little smile on his face. And Rafael really enjoyed those smiles. So, to his shame, Rafael would sometimes ask softball questions on purpose. Maybe that wasn’t the most efficient way to prep for court, but it was the most fun, and Rafael needed a little fun. Plus, he was pretty sure Sonny was onto him.

Then there was the coffee. Sonny would make coffee every morning, even on the weekends, no matter how tired he was or how little he’d slept. He’d always make it just the way Rafael liked it, and on weekdays he’d always make a little extra for Rafael to take to work, and Sonny was a goddamn treasure, basically. After all, the way to Rafael Barba’s heart was through his coffeemaker; somehow, Sonny had learned to work both of those in record time. 

And, well, there were all the cocky remarks and the sassy comebacks. There was the fact Rafael could be himself around Sonny – snarky and sarcastic and kind of a jerk, but not in a bad way – without Sonny turning into a doormat. Sonny could take it, but he could also dish it out. Sonny gave as good as he got, and Rafael could always count on him for a reality check.

And then there were the silly jokes, and the bad puns, and the peculiar vocabulary – who even said ‘brouhaha’? – and the dimply smiles. Rafael liked the dimply smiles. He’d come to rely on them, especially when he was feeling low, like he currently was. Sonny could always get Rafael to smile back, if only for a second. He could always make Rafael feel like things weren’t that bad. Even when they were.

Just as Rafael was about to delete every single Hallmark movie from the DVR, unfairly blaming them for his sappiness and overall emotional state, Sonny came out to the living room. 

Sonny was dressed and ready to go. Ready to leave his own apartment, just because Rafael’s mom was coming over. And all that, without a single complaint. In fact, Sonny had even saved Rafael the trouble of awkwardly asking him to leave.

As soon as Rafael had said that his mother would be visiting, Sonny had smiled knowingly, without even a trace of resentment – Sonny didn’t do resentment, which was another thing Rafael loved about him and, ugh, those Hallmark movies had to  _go_ – and he’d said something about a Mets game being on.

“OK, Rafi, I’m heading out. Amanda’s meeting me at the b…”

Rafael didn’t know exactly what it was that Sonny saw on his face, what it was that made Sonny pause, but it wasn’t hard to imagine.

With a smirk, Sonny sat on the couch, right next to Rafael; too close, always too close. Rafael leaned in before he knew it, and Sonny’s arms instantly curled around him; one hand on Rafael’s neck, the other high on Rafael’s thigh, both hands rubbing softly. 

Sonny gave Rafael two forehead kisses. Two big, loud, wet smooches which made Rafael feel like a 7-year-old; which made Rafael feel loved. But Sonny didn’t say anything. Sonny didn’t ask Rafael what was wrong, he didn’t say something funny to lighten the mood, and he most certainly didn’t mention Rafael’s mother. Sonny just sat there, in silence, his lips softly brushing against Rafael’s forehead as he breathed.

Rafael appreciated the unconditional support, he really did, and he appreciated that Sonny was patient. He even appreciated that Sonny had yet to ask for further clarification on that whole ‘you hit a nerve’ business, even though it had already been 6 months since their fight. 

What Rafael  _didn’t_ appreciate was seeing Sonny walking on eggshells. If Rafael had been sulking about literally anything else, Sonny would have made about a dozen jokes already. Sonny wouldn’t be silent; he’d be teasing Rafael, he’d be saying unfunny yet strangely helpful things like, ‘aw, Rafi, need me to hold your hand?’ Sonny would be acting like himself.

Instead, Sonny was acting like he didn’t want to impose. Like he was trying to respect Rafael’s space; not his personal space, Sonny had burst that bubble from day one, but his emotional space.

Sonny was acting like Rafael’s mommy issues were none of his business. Just like he had said, after their fight. After that ugly fight that still made Rafael cringe whenever he thought about it. After Rafael had rattled off all that spiteful crap, crap he didn’t even mean, just to change the subject. After Rafael had hurt Sonny, badly. 

Rafael was still trying to forget the look on Sonny’s face that night. Not that he ever could. All because Sonny had dared to ask about Rafael’s family. 

No wonder Sonny never asked anymore.

Well, Sonny  _should_ be asking. He was supposed to impose, that was the whole point. That was Sonny in a nutshell; a well-meaning guy who kept well-naturedly butting in, until people warmed up to him. Sonny wasn’t supposed to be quiet and accommodating and patient. He was supposed to be loud, and annoying, and eager. 

If only Sonny started acting more like himself, maybe Rafael would stop stalling and he’d finally come clean.

Maybe.

Or, maybe, Rafael could stop looking for excuses.

_Maybe._

“OK, is this enough hugging, Rafi? Can I go now?”

Oh. It seemed that Sonny had made a tiny joke, at least. That was something.

“No and yes,” Rafael grumbled. 

Sonny grinned and gave Rafael a quick kiss.

“Call me when the coast is clear,” he said, still smiling, and then he took off.

Rafael nodded; kept nodding at the ether, even after Sonny had left. Would the coast ever be clear? Also, could Rafael  _be_ more dramatic? The day was getting to him.

~ ~ ~

Not 15 minutes later, and only seconds after Rafael had finished tidying up the place – i.e. hiding most of Sonny’s stuff – the doorbell rang. His mother was early, as always.

Rafael was feeling particularly nervous, for some reason. Truth be told, he was always nervous when his mom was about to visit. He was always worried he might accidentally leave a Mets jacket lying around, or a superhero t-shirt; anything that was blatantly not his.

But, this time, Rafael was more upset at having to go through the charade of still living alone, just so his mom wouldn’t suspect anything. Rafael hated having to remove all traces of Sonny from their apartment; all the little objects which betrayed the fact it was Sonny’s home, too. 

Rafael shook himself. This was not the time.

Taking a deep breath, Rafael let his mother in, kissed her on the cheek, and then he looked at her. Really looked. And she knew just what he was doing.

“I’m fine, Rafi,” she said fondly, and Rafael could tell it was true. He was happy it was true.

After her usual, bordering-on-too-firm, caress on Rafael’s cheek, she asked, “How are you? Still working all the time?”

Subtle disapproval of his lifestyle in the first 20 seconds of the visit. Rafael wished he could say this was a record. At least this time she had said ‘hi’ first.

“I’m OK, mom. And I take after you so, yes, I’m still working all the time.”

That earned Rafael a smirk. He had learned, a long time ago, that the best way to get his mother to stop criticizing him, was to subtly point out all the ways in which they were similar. It had taken Rafael a lot longer to actually stop and consider what those similarities meant. He really was his mother’s son.

“Do you have any plans, at least? For later? It _is_ Saturday.”

Another subtle dig. Rafael was almost enjoying them, in a perverse way. It wouldn’t be a proper Lucia Barba visit without the standard insults: ‘you work too hard’, ‘you will die alone’, ‘you have forgotten your roots’. Rafael was really hoping she’d skip that last one, on account of the day. He’d been thinking about his roots, his youth, pretty much all week, and he was sure his mother knew that. He was sure she had been doing the same.

“I’m not exactly in the mood, mom,” he snapped.

Lucia nodded.

Rafael felt a little guilty at the tone he had used; he hadn’t meant to sound that harsh. Especially considering the circumstances.

“Wanna go get something to eat? Afterwards?” he asked, and she nodded again, this time with a smile.

Rafael figured Sonny could probably hang out with Rollins an extra couple of hours. Sonny had said something about Fin possibly joining them too, so Rafael didn’t feel too guilty for spending a little more time with his mom. In a weird, semi-masochistic and semi-nostalgic way, he felt like he needed that.

“You know, you keep getting any more books, Rafi, and soon you’ll run out of space, you’ll need a bigger apartment”.

Oh. It appeared that Lucia had moved right into the ‘your house is a mess’ portion of her visit. On the bright side, she had indeed skipped the ‘remember, you grew up poor’ speech. That was something.

Rafael rolled his eyes. He supposed he was lucky Sonny had good taste in literature, plus their interests intersected. It would be nearly impossible to tell that you were looking at the merged collections of 2 different people, especially at first glance; even if you were as well-read as Lucia Barba.

“Let me just freshen up and then we can go,” she said, as soon as she realized she wouldn’t be getting an answer. Rafael sighed and reached for his coat.

A couple of minutes later, Rafael’s mother emerged from the bathroom holding a pair of jeans.

A pair of Sonny’s jeans.

The laundry. Of course. It seemed that Lucia had missed her calling; she could have had a career in law enforcement. She’d be great at executing search warrants. Then again, what mother wouldn’t be?

“There’s no way you can fit into these jeans, Rafi.”

_Wow._ Rafael was legitimately more upset by her implication about his weight, than by the fact he had just been busted. 

“Well, that would be because these jeans aren’t mine,” he calmly replied.

Lucia narrowed her eyes, and Rafael felt like he was looking in a mirror. 

“And there’s 2 of everything. All over your apartment,” she continued. “It’s been like that for months. Every time it’s something else. Coffee mugs, laptops, umbrellas, I come over one day and you suddenly have double the amount of books. I mean, I keep dropping hints, I keep trying to give you a chance to tell me, but you keep denying everything.”

Oh. So those had all been hints? Not passive-aggressive criticism? Apparently Rafael needed to reevaluate a few things.

“I mean, what? Did you think I wouldn’t notice?” 

“No. I just thought you’d pretend you hadn’t noticed,” Rafael said halfheartedly.

“Rafi, you can’t keep shutting me out. Not anymore. Does your… Does someone live here with you?”

Rafael exhaled deeply. Awkward phrasing aside, his mother was right. He knew she was right. He had been feeling the same way, for some time now. It was time to talk.

“Yes, mom. I live with _someone_ now. And you should meet him.”

Lucia actually seemed startled. She looked like she had been expecting Rafael to deny it, or at least to put up more of a fight. 

“Really? I should meet him? Just like that?”

“Just like that,” Rafael repeated, and a sense of relief washed over him. Not anticipation, not anxiety. Relief. Huh.

“As I recall, the last time that happened, you were in college. You were home for Thanksgiving break, and you told me he was your ‘roommate’. What changed?”

Ooh, another Lucia Barba classic: ‘you never tell me anything’.

Rafael hadn’t heard that one in a very long time. He always figured his mom had stopped asking because she knew she wouldn’t like his answers. She wasn’t exactly homophobic, not actively anyway, and sometimes Rafael felt like that made things worse. She had never been cruel to him, she had never mistreated him, and she had never judged him. For being gay, that is; because, of course, she judged him literally for everything else. 

But she had always been reluctant to engage Rafael when it came to his love life. She always seemed uncomfortable discussing it; she kept awkwardly using generic words and pronouns or talking around the subject. Rafael had gotten the message a very long time ago. His mom still loved him, of course, and she supported him, in many ways, but apparently some things were better left unsaid. 

Until now. 

Because now she was asking, and Rafael wanted to answer.

“A lot of things have changed, mom.”

It was Lucia’s turn to exhale.

“Alright. So who is he?”

Rafael wished he could type up a 500-word essay titled ‘Who is Sonny Carisi?’ and just e-mail it to his mother. Except she’d probably print it out, edit it with one of her red markers, and mail it back to him for a rewrite.

Rafael never could stand his mother’s questioning looks. He was sure she’d reject Sonny on principle, just to get to him. 

“He’s a detective. At Manhattan SVU,” Rafael said, as tersely as he could manage.

“Oh. A _cop?_ An SVU cop, no less? Isn’t that… I mean, I’m sure that can be a burden sometimes.” 

There it was. A double whammy, too; disapproval of Sonny’s job, plus implied disapproval of Rafael’s job. 

In a funny way, Rafael was almost elated that his mom hadn’t once commented on Sonny being a man. That she seemed to at least accept that as a given. That she was already judging Sonny, but only based on the information she had, i.e. his profession. In a funny way, Rafael knew that he could count on his mother to be harsh without prejudice. In a funny way, Rafael felt that was a good start. 

“Yes, _mother,_ he works at SVU. Just like me. And, yes, he’s a cop. But he’s also a law school graduate. Is that good enough for you? Of course, he didn’t go to Harvard Law, like your son, he went to Fordham. To night school, as a matter of fact. So maybe you still think he’s beneath me. Maybe you–”

Somewhere in the middle of his tirade, Lucia had raised her arms: “OK, OK, calm down Rafi, that’s great. Good for him.”

Rafael promptly shut up. Because he realized he had just vehemently defended Sonny to his mother. Who hadn’t even said anything particularly scathing. If only Sonny could have seen him. ‘Not good enough’. As if.

Ignoring that little outburst, Lucia continued with her questions: “So, he works with you. What’s he like?”

That was a loaded question. What was Sonny like? He was very… He had a… Rafael was having difficulty finding the right words; he didn’t want to give more ammo to his mother, more things to criticize.

“You’ll see,” was all he could come up with. 

“That bad?” she asked with a smirk.

“He’s not ba…”

Rafael caught himself, before he could fall for another one of his mother’s mind games. Before he could embarrassingly defend Sonny’s honor again. “Look, you’ll meet him and you’ll judge for yourself. Hopefully not too harshly. Soon. Next weekend. OK?”

Lucia’s smirk turned into a cautious smile; “OK, Rafi. Are you happy?”

Well. Maybe this wasn’t just a good start. Maybe this was a great start. A lot of things had changed, indeed. For Lucia too, as Rafael kept forgetting.

Rafael rolled his eyes as he muttered a brisk, “Yes,  _mother,_ I’m happy.”

Lucia’s smile got warmer, briefly, but then it turned back into a smirk.

“And how long have you been happy? How long have you been hiding this detective? How long has h–”

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Rafael snapped. “I didn’t realize we were supposed to issue a press release. We’ve been together about a year and a half. He moved in a little over 6 months ago. Any other questions?”

“Yes, actually. Have you met _his_ parents?”

Dammit, she was good.

“Yes, I have.”

“When did you meet them?”

Rafael barely held back a laugh. His mother always knew just what to ask to put him in an awkward position. Rafael had truly learned from the best.

“A while ago. In my defense, his mother is nowhere near as scary as you are.”

The compliment did the trick – and, yes, ‘scary’ was a compliment when directed at a mother. Doubly so when directed at a teacher.

Lucia smiled again and said, “Fine, I’ll let you off the hook. For now. But don’t you dare cancel on me!”

“I won’t, mom. Now come on, let’s go.”

Rafael offered his arm to his mother, offered his support, and off they went.

~ ~ ~

It was late in the evening when Rafael got back. He had called earlier, to let Sonny know that the apartment was empty, that he’d taken his mom out to an early dinner. 

Among other things.

Sonny had asked him if he was OK.

Sonny had known, even from a 2-minute phone conversation, that Rafael was having a hard time. It never failed to surprise Rafael. The way Sonny could see right through him.

“Not really. I’ll explain when I get home,” Rafael had answered.

And he meant it.

As soon as Rafael walked in, Sonny leapt off the couch. 

Rafael rewarded him with a tired smile. Sonny always worried too much.

“There’s nothing to worry about, Sonny. It’s just been a rough day.”

Sonny’s frown remained.

“Did something happen with your mom? Did she say something? Is she alright?”

This was the first time Sonny had mentioned Rafael’s mother explicitly in more than 6 months. Rafael couldn’t believe he had let this go on for so long.

“She’s fine, Sonny. And she’s nosy, too. She found your jeans in the laundry basket. She probably never would have noticed they weren’t mine, if you weren’t so damn skinny.”

Well, that joke didn’t work. Sonny frowned even more. 

“Oh. I’m sorry, Rafi. I should have been more careful, I should have–”

_No._

“Sonny, stop.”

Rafael was surprised, though he shouldn’t have been. Sonny wasn’t just frowning; Sonny looked guilty. Like he had done something wrong. Like it was his fault they had gotten ‘caught’. Like it was his responsibility to stay hidden.

Rafael felt even guiltier than Sonny looked, and that was no mean feat. But, unlike Sonny, Rafael was right to feel guilty. First of all, Rafael had practically caused that fight, 6 months earlier; the fight that had left Sonny wary of mentioning Rafael’s mother in the first place. 

And, to top that off, Rafael had just implied he was having a bad day because his mom had found Sonny’s goddamn jeans. Because Sonny had somehow failed to erase every last shred of his existence from his own home. No wonder he felt guilty.

Rafael needed to set Sonny straight.

“I’m gonna start over, OK? I talked to my mother about you. About us. True, it was only after she confronted me with physical evidence, but still. I told her. That’s not… That’s fine. It had to happen. I wanted it to happen. I’m actually glad she found your stupidly tight jeans; she saved me the trouble of coming up with an awkward segue.”

Sonny looked confused, but at least he had stopped looking guilty. “You… wanted to tell her. So, that’s not the reason you had a bad day?” 

“It’s not,” Rafael confirmed. “I should have told her months ago. 6 months ago. When you asked. I never should have–”

Sonny looked relieved as he interrupted.

“What’s done is done, Rafi. So, your mom knows now. After going through our laundry but, hey, whatever works. No point in going over all that again. Just tell me what happened today.”

Rafael didn’t think he could do that standing up, so he took Sonny by the forearm and led him back to the couch. As always, Sonny followed obediently.

“We _do_ have to go over it again, Sonny. 6 months ago, after our fight, I told you that you hit a nerve. But I never explained what I meant. And you never asked, probably because I was such an asshole the last time, and I hurt you, and you didn’t want to start another fight. For future reference, don’t let me get away with that sort of thing. You wanna know something, ask. Whatever it is.”

Sonny looked a little taken aback – Rafael really did need to work on his segues – but then he nodded.

Rafael took a deep breath, and he started talking. Finally.

“Today was difficult for me because, uh… 2 years ago, my grandmother passed away. Today was the second anniversary of her death. Mi abuela. My mom’s mother. That’s why my mom came over. We went to visit my grandmother’s grave, we… uh. We reminisced. We talked. Um.”

This was not easy.

And it was made even harder by Sonny’s face.

Sonny looked so surprised. And so sad. He was frowning again, and his mouth was hanging open, like that was the last thing he expected to hear. Which made sense, because Rafael had never talked about it, and how was Sonny supposed to know? Rafael had only mentioned his grandmother once or twice, in passing, and he had implied she had died ‘a while’ ago, just so he wouldn’t have to explain.

Rafael wanted to explain now. He needed to explain.

“It happened before we got together, obviously. Before we even really talked. Before I got to know you. It was back when you were just the annoying new guy with the appalling fashion sense. And that moustache that I secretly thought was hot.”

Alright, that joke sort of worked. Sonny cracked a little smile, and he didn’t look so upset anymore. He just looked eager to hear more, and that made Rafael feel more confident about getting through it.

“Remember that night I came to the precinct, when everyone else was in Chicago? And they’d left you here, and you had your textbooks scattered all over your desk, and I teased you about your homework?”

Sonny gaped. Hilariously.

“Um, I don’t know about ‘teased’, Rafi. I remember you made fun of me. And I remember I liked it, because I get off on being verbally abused. And I also remember you smelled really good. I can’t believe _you_ remember.”

Rafael smirked, just for a second.

“That was… It was two months that day. Since she… Since I’d… Anyway, I felt terrible, and I was working around the clock, trying to take my mind off it, and failing. So when I saw you, all by yourself, I figured I’d mess with you a little, like I always did. As a way to stick to my routine.”

Sonny gaped once more; “Your routine of  _mocking_ me?”

“Everyone grieves in their own way, Sonny,” Rafael deadpanned, and he couldn’t believe he was in the mood to joke while he was having this particular conversation. Sonny had that effect on him, he supposed.

“All I know is, I saw you at your desk and I made a beeline for you. I wanted to say something that would get you riled up, and I wanted you to talk back, and I wanted to have the last word. I wanted that little bit of normalcy. Except you blew me off. 

“That was when I noticed you were moping, and I got curious. You were always so enthusiastic and irritatingly excited about everything, so I wondered what happened, why you looked so miserable all of a sudden. And then you did sass me; you said something funny, and I hit you with a comeback, _obviously,_ and I left the precinct with a smile on my face. I didn’t even think about my grandmother until hours later.”

As Rafael spoke, as he laid it all out for the first time, he had an epiphany of sorts. 

He’d known; he’d always known that Sonny had made his life fun again, after many listless years. But Rafael hadn’t put it together, not exactly. His grandmother’s death was always too painful to dwell on, and Rafael was so determined to clamp down on his emotions, that he never realized.

Rafael never realized that Sonny had gotten him through it. Rafael never realized that Sonny had unwittingly distracted him; with the forearms, and the long legs, and the lips, and the dimples, and the smiles, and the talks, and the blushing, and the m–

“Wait a minute, Rafi. You’re telling me that you let me mope for 4 whole months, about not fitting in, and about the other kids not sharing their toys, like I was in kindergarten, while you were going through that?” 

…and the moping.

Sonny looked guilty again. Like he somehow should have known. Or like he had unknowingly added to Rafael’s troubles.

Again, Rafael needed to set him straight; “The moping helped, actually,” he said with a smile.

Sonny didn’t look like he was fully buying it, but he did hesitantly smile back.

“The moping distracted me. I never thought about it before, but maybe that was why I obsessed… Why I _focused_ on it so much. On you. It took me about 2 months to figure out why you were miserable, and then it took me another 2 months to get you to feel better. But you didn’t just… I felt better too. You made me feel better.”

Sonny nodded; then, he scooted a little closer to Rafael, always closer.

“I should have talked to you, Sonny. About this. A long time ago. I’m sorry I didn’t. I almost did, once. A year ago. It was a few days after our 6-month anniversary, and you were helping your neighbor with her groceries; that little old lady who always sends us postcards from Florida, the one who always used to pinch your cheek.”

Sonny grinned; “Constance? What does she have to do with anything?”

Rafael exhaled.

“My grandmother… She lived in an old building, like you did, except hers didn’t even have an elevator, and my mom had to help her with everything, including the groceries, because no one else could. I couldn’t, I never had the time. And my mom works so hard, and it was getting more difficult for my grandmother to get around, and to live on her own, and we…

“And _I_ decided to move her into a home. She didn’t want to, she really tried to… She was _very_ clear on that. And my mom didn’t want to either, but I thought it would be for the best. I was wrong. My grandmother, she couldn’t… She… She passed away right before she was supposed to move. We had even packed her–”

Sonny placed a hand on Rafael’s knee. A comforting hand. Rafael stared at it for a while, unable to speak. Sonny’s long fingers were restless, and his thumb was rubbing circles on Rafael’s leg, and every few seconds he would squeeze. Rafael found the irregular rhythm of Sonny’s strokes strangely soothing.

Rafael could feel Sonny’s eyes on him, but he couldn’t look up. Not yet. He just focused on Sonny’s hand, on Sonny’s body next to his, on the fact Sonny knew better than to say something trite like ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, because Rafael wasn’t going to find solace in a platitude. 

A few moments – and countless little touches – later, Rafael was ready to face Sonny again.

“The reason I didn’t tell you a year ago was that… No, my _excuse_ was that you had just told me you loved me, and I had told you I loved you, and we were so happy, and if I talked about my dead grandma it would put a damper on our excitement. That’s bullshit. 

“The real reason was, I couldn’t talk about it. I can barely talk about it now, as you can see, and I’ve come to terms with it. A year ago, I still blamed myself. A whole year had gone by since I’d lost her, and I _still_ blamed myself, and I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. Not even to you.”

Sonny nodded in understanding; “I get that. I just wish I could have helped you,” he said, and he actually looked apologetic.

He didn’t get it all.

“You did help, Sonny. I think you’re the main reason I got through it. I tried to process it alone. That’s what I’ve always done. Except I tend to criticize myself pretty harshly, so processing alone isn’t always a good idea.

“I was sure I’d never forgive myself. For losing my grandmother like that, after I’d pressured her into moving. That was a lot to deal with. I mean, in the past, I spent years beating myself up for far less. 

“The difference was, this time I had you. And you made me happy, and you made me want to cut myself some slack.”

Sonny gave Rafael one of his cocky grins, though the soft, knowing look in his eyes told another story.

“Wow, Rafi, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” he teased, except he wasn’t teasing at all.

Sonny was serious. And he was right. That  _was_ the nicest thing Rafael had ever said, because that was the most important thing Sonny had ever given him. The sense that Rafael should stop being so hard on himself, because he deserved to be happy. ~~~~

Not that Rafael would ever say that out loud, not in so many words. But then, he didn’t need to. Sonny knew.

Shaking off all this sentimentality, Rafael started talking again, finally cutting to the chase.

“So, you helped me a little, or whatever, and I was feeling better, and I was getting ready to talk to you, _eventually,_ but then my mom randomly showed up at the precinct. And it was too much too soon, and I wasn’t ready, not at such short notice. I wasn’t ready to talk to my mom about you, and I wasn’t ready to talk to you about my grandmother. So I started deflecting, insulting you, and then we had that stupid fight.

“The thing is, you kept saying you wanted to meet my family _._ Except, like I told you, I never introduced my mother to anybody. She was always cut off from that part of my life; by her choice, at first, and then by my choice. It was for the best. My relationship with her is complicated enough as it is. It’s about 60% tough love and 40% thinly veiled criticism. I love her, and she loves me, but neither of us is easy to get along with.”

Sonny actually snorted.

After an exaggerated side-eye, Rafael continued.

“ _Anyway,_ when you said the word _family,_ for me, my mom was an afterthought. You… _This_ was the sort of thing my grandmother and I used to share. She was always the one who listened, who supported me, who accepted me unconditionally. Since I was a teenager. Since I came out to her, years before I ever told my mother. 

“My grandmother was the one I would go to, every time I was excited about someone, every time I was in love. She was the one I would have talked to, about you, after years of having nothing to talk about. Except she was gone. And I couldn’t talk to her anymore. I’d never get to talk to her again.”

“So that was the nerve I hit?” Sonny asked quietly. “I kept pushing, basically rubbing in the fact you had lost her?”

Rafael’s head shot up. Sonny looked guilty again; he looked sad again.

Rafael should have seen it coming.

“No, Sonny, that’s not what I meant…”

“Yeah it is. I kept talking about your ‘family’, when I knew it was just you and your mom. And I knew that you guys had issues, from the way that you talked about her, and I still accused you of keeping me away from her because she was too important.

“I should’ve put it together. That it wasn’t your mom who meant so much to you. That it was somebody else. And I didn’t stop to think that you might be in pain. I didn’t see it. You even tried to get me to stop, but I wouldn’t listen. I just went on and on about your ‘family’. I kept making you think about… About your loss. I kept reminding you that your grandmother was gone.”

Sonny’s voice was getting scratchy, and Rafael had to look away, because he was pretty sure Sonny’s eyes were a little shinier than usual, and he just couldn’t handle seeing that. 

Instead, Rafael reached for Sonny’s hand, where it was still resting on his knee, though Sonny had stopped caressing him a while ago; Sonny never took his hands off Rafael unless he absolutely had to.

Rafael took Sonny’s hand and held it.

“It’s not like I ever forgot, Sonny,” Rafael said, still not looking up. Talking was already hard enough.

“You didn’t remind me she was gone. You made me realize that I’d never get to tell her. Because I met you too late. I wasted so many years, not even trying. I had pretty much given up on anything real. Before you. So… It just…

“It got to me. I don’t know why. It made me mad, that the one time I had something good in my life, she wasn’t here to see it. I never got a chance to share it with her. And the more you kept asking, the more I kept thinking how unfair it was.

“That was the nerve you hit. You didn’t say anything wrong. You didn’t know. This isn’t the sort of thing you ‘put together’. It was on me. I should have told you. Except I was too mad to tell you, and then I took the whole thing out on you, because starting a fight was easier than articulating my stupid, irrational anger. 

“I actually liked that you wanted to meet my family. When you said that, my very first thought was my grandmother. In a good way. For a split second, all I could think about was how much I wanted her to meet you. How much she would have liked that. How much I wanted her to see… She would have been really happy to know. That I’m…”

That he was loved.

That was all she ever wanted for him. 

Rafael stopped talking. He had said a lot. More than he ever had before. And he hoped it had been enough for Sonny to understand, though Rafael still couldn’t look up to see for himself.

He just kept looking down, at Sonny’s hand, tucked in his own, because he couldn’t risk another glance at Sonny’s face; because, this time, it was Rafael’s eyes that were shining, and–

No. Rafael willed his tears back inside the tear ducts; he simply refused to cry again. He had cried enough for one day. He was fine. He just needed to take a breath.

It wasn’t until a few minutes later that Rafael realized he had been squeezing Sonny’s hand like it was a stress ball. 

Sonny never complained. He never even looked up. He just whispered, “I love you, Rafi.”

Rafael didn’t know what got to him more; what Sonny said, or the fact Sonny knew not to make eye contact as he said it.

Sonny knew him. Too well. And he still…

Rafael lifted Sonny’s hand, brought closer it to his lips. He pressed a long kiss on the inside of Sonny’s wrist. 

Sonny finally looked up; then, taking advantage of the proximity, he placed his hand on Rafael’s face. Rafael could only hold on to Sonny’s forearm, that wiry forearm that had so distracted him almost 2 years ago, as Sonny caressed his cheek. 

If Sonny wiped away a few of Rafael’s tears, at least he didn’t make it obvious.

Rafael still couldn’t look up; Sonny had to use his hand to gently turn Rafael’s head, he had to lean in until he could catch Rafael’s eye.

Rafael shouldn’t have worried.

Sonny was trying his best to smile; he wasn’t quite succeeding, not yet, but he was trying, and that was enough to make Rafael feel better. That, coupled with Sonny’s hand, still on Rafael’s face, gently stroking.

Rafael was shocked to realize how much Sonny’s touch felt like his own mother’s. Firm yet loving, strong yet tender. Protective. 

Sonny pulled him closer, always closer, into a hug. Rafael didn’t speak for a few moments; he just sat there, feeling Sonny’s heartbeat against his chest.

“Took you long enough, Sonny. You should have hugged me at least 15 minutes ago. Don’t let this happen again,” Rafael eventually snapped. 

Or, he tried to snap, because his voice was muffled by Sonny’s shoulder, where Rafael was resting his head.

Casually.

It wasn’t like Sonny literally had Rafael by the neck and was practically holding him there. It wasn’t like Rafael was gripping Sonny’s sides so tight he could feel Sonny’s ribs under his fingertips.

Sonny’s shoulder just happened to be comfy.

Actually, Sonny’s shoulder was bony and pointy and totally uncomfortable. But it was also warm, and strong, and it was currently shaking because Sonny was laughing, and Rafael’s heart felt so full. 

“You can let go now,” said Rafael.

About 8 minutes later.

Sonny pulled away, but he didn’t let go. Not completely. He left a hand on Rafael’s thigh. Rafael appreciated it.

He just needed to give Sonny one final warning.

“At any rate, Sonny, you’re about to get your wish. My mom is all the family I have left, and that changes things. I’m ready for things to change, and I think she is too. So, you’re going to meet her next Sunday, and it's going to be awful, and she’s going to judge you, like she judges everyone, and afterwards you're going to wish you had never met her; or me, for that matter. Just remember that you asked for this, and you brought it on yourself, and you have no one else to blame, and hopefully you’ll live to regret it.”

“You know I like a little verbal abuse, Rafi. I’m probably gonna like your mom. If she’s anything like you.”

This time Sonny’s smile was real, and bright. Rafael leaned back in and kissed Sonny’s right dimple, just because.

Before Rafael could pull away – not that he was going to – Sonny turned his head, rubbed his cheek against Rafael’s. Then he slid his lips across Rafael’s jaw, until he got to Rafael’s mouth.

Rafael sighed into the kiss. He had gotten through it; he had talked to his mom – prompted by her bathroom snooping, but still – and he had talked to Sonny – bolstered by a few strategically placed touches and a pivotal hug, but still – and everything was out in the open. Finally. There was nothing left for him to worry about. 

Or so Rafael thought, until he remembered his mom was coming over for dinner next Sunday.

Oh well.

Rafael couldn’t bring himself to care. Not when Sonny was starting to deepen the kiss.

It wasn’t long until Rafael pulled him down, until they were both lying flat against the couch. Rafael held Sonny’s face in his hands as they kissed, until he felt Sonny smiling; then he started tracing Sonny’s dimples with his fingers. He loved those dimples. They meant Sonny was happy.

And Rafael was happy too. He had everything he needed, right there, nestled between his thighs. He had Sonny. On him. Around him. Rafael couldn’t help himself; he never could. He raised his hips a little, deliberately, just enough to clue Sonny in, and then he started tugging at Sonny’s t-shirt.

Sonny only faltered for a second, probably in surprise; then he kissed Rafael again, harder and with more purpose, though he resisted Rafael’s attempts to get him undressed. Instead, Sonny started unbuttoning Rafael’s shirt, leisurely pulling it out of Rafael’s slacks, button by button; he started pushing up Rafael’s undershirt, rubbing his palm low on Rafael’s stomach. 

Then, Sonny turned his attention to Rafael’s pants; he started off slowly, trying to undo them with one hand, never breaking the kiss, but a few seconds later he dropped the act – since when was Sonny slow and unhurried, anyway? 

In the back of his mind, Rafael knew Sonny was trying to be gentle, because of the circumstances, which was sweet. Still, Rafael always liked it best when Sonny was being himself; which is why he was relieved when Sonny grunted in frustration, pushed himself up on his knees and then started yanking at Rafael’s belt with both hands, eager as ever. 

When Sonny finally managed to get Rafael’s pants undone, grinning excitedly at his achievement, Rafael let out a soft chuckle. When Sonny reached inside, Rafael’s chuckle turned into a moan, and then another, and then another, as Sonny kept touching him, stroking, hands much better at keeping a rhythm this time around.

Sonny lowered himself onto Rafael again, kissed him again, slipped an arm underneath Rafael’s neck, keeping their faces close. Rafael kissed back, and allowed himself to forget; he allowed himself to feel good. 

A few minutes later, though Rafael didn’t know how many, he tried to reach for Sonny; to do something more than just lie there and be touched. 

Sonny didn’t let him.

Sonny just shifted, moved a little to the side, until one of Rafael’s thighs was between his legs; then he started grinding, almost aimlessly. Sonny’s entire focus was on Rafael; Sonny kept kissing him, stroking, faster and faster, Rafael’s breath coming heavier and heavier.

It didn’t take long. Not with Sonny knowing just how to touch him, after all this time. Not with Sonny, hard, always so hard for Rafael, pressing against him. 

Rafael wrapped his arms tightly around Sonny’s waist, sucked on Sonny’s bottom lip, and he let go.

He always let go with Sonny.

Not a minute later, Sonny shuddered against him. Rafael held on even tighter, arms around Sonny’s heaving chest, their hearts both pounding.

Afterwards, unable to move, Rafael let Sonny lick at his chest, lap at his belly, clean him up; every brush of Sonny’s tongue giving Rafael a twinge of desire, still.

Sonny made his way up Rafael’s body, slowly; got to Rafael’s neck, then his mouth. All Rafael could do was feel Sonny’s breath tickling the side of his face, as Sonny murmured ‘I love you’, again and again, between kisses.

~ ~ ~

Rafael couldn’t believe a week had gone by already. He couldn’t believe his mother was on her way. He  _especially_ couldn’t believe that he didn’t know exactly when to expect her, because there was no rhyme or reason to her timing, other than her always being early.

It was the element of surprise, Rafael supposed. She’d arrived 45 minutes early, once, and she had missed Sonny literally by 4 minutes.

Well, that was all in the past. Rafael’s mother was on her way to  _their_ place, and all of Sonny’s stuff was scattered around, where it belonged, and Sonny wasn’t going anywhere.

Though he  _was_ going crazy.

While Rafael was busy making dinner, Sonny had spent about an hour choosing between his near-identical khakis, and he’d fussed over his hair more than usual – which was saying something – and he was walking around their apartment with a look of mild desperation on his face.

Rafael was trying really hard not to make fun of him; not to say something like ‘changed your mind yet?’ because Sonny was worried enough as it was.

But then, the anticipation was getting to them both. Rafael had been anxious enough to call his mom on Friday, telling her in no uncertain terms that she had better like Sonny or else; to which she had responded ‘we’ll see about that,’ like Rafael had issued a challenge. Like Rafael had dared her to find something wrong with Sonny. 

Yeah, that phone call had been a terrible idea.

At any rate, at least Rafael was keeping his own anxiety under control. Whereas Sonny was in front of the closet, where he’d been for at least 20 minutes, and he was still trying to pick out a shirt, like that mattered at all– 

On second thought, it  _did_ matter. Rafael brushed Sonny aside, glanced at their closet and promptly picked out a graphite sweater Sonny himself had bought, in one of his rare displays of good taste.

“Here, Sonny. Wear this. And sit down. And breathe.”

Sonny took the sweater in gratitude, and Rafael gave him a small peck, because Sonny could use the encouragement.

_Sonny_ could. 

Except Sonny was no fool.

“Right. _I_ should breathe.”

Apparently, Sonny could still find it in him to smirk, but only after he had realized Rafael was just as nervous.

“Yes, Sonny, you should,” Rafael lied. “It’s just my mom. It’s not a big deal.” _As if._

“Easy for you to say, Rafi. You’ve met her. I don’t even know what to expect. You told me yourself that she’s harsh, and that she may not be totally comfortable with us, and one time Amaro told me she was scary, and, like, none of that bodes well.”

Sonny was getting flustered again.

“Are you still going with the khakis?” Rafael asked casually.

That did the trick. Sonny cracked up, let out a big breath, and finally put on the sweater.

Though he stopped laughing when Rafael dug through the closet again and tossed him a pair of jeans.

“I actually wasn’t joking about the khakis.”

Sonny rolled his eyes, but he changed his pants all the same.

“Seriously Rafi, I’ve been asking you all week, come on. What is she like?”

That question again. Rafael remembered wanting to write a 500-word essay about Sonny. And then he realized that, if he were to write something about his mom, it’d be a multi-volume book. He was such a cliché. 

Again, Rafael avoided giving a solid answer. He just went with a vague, “She’s my mom.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Sonny teased, earning himself a sneer. A fond sneer. Like the good old days.

Sonny made his way to the living room, and Rafael followed. They sat on the couch and, not one second later, Sonny started tapping on Rafael’s thigh with his fingers.

Rafael covered Sonny’s hand with his own, long enough to get him to stop.

“OK, Sonny, listen. Crash course on my mom. Now, so you won’t have time to overthink it: she’s an inspiring person, almost to an intimidating degree. A pillar of the community. And she’s a great teacher; she’s helped countless kids for decades now, especially since she founded her school. People still come up to me, asking me to pass along their gratitude. 

“And she’s a good mother; a strict mother but a loving mother. She has her issues, we’ve had our issues, but all she ever thought about was me, her whole life, never herself. She and my grandmother raised me on their own, and they made me who I am, good things and bad.

“She works too hard, not unlike me, and she can be kind of opinionated and judgmental, also not unlike me, and she doesn’t suffer fools gladly, and you get the idea. My mother and I are a lot alike. More than I care to admit.

“And she loves me, and sometimes I think she had given up on the idea of me ever being happy, for many reasons. So, despite everything, I think she’ll have every intention of liking you. Not that you’ll be able to tell, because she’s… Yeah, she’s pretty scary. But still, I really think she’ll come in with an open mind. So don’t blow it.”

Sonny nodded almost mechanically, clearly trying to take it all in. 

“Also, and I only say this because I know her, and because I haven’t broached the subject with her, she _might_ mention that you’re too young for me.”

Sonny snapped out of his daze; a chance to tease Rafael always perked him up. He even had the gall to grin.

“Yeah? So what? Gina says you’re too old for me all the time. The heart wants what it wants, Rafi. I don’t mind that you’re old.”

Really? 

After a ferocious side-eye that made Sonny crack up again, Rafael replied, “The difference is, Gina is joking, my mom won’t be. Also, I hope you’ll still be in the mood for your unfunny jokes when she gets here, in about 15 seconds.”

That sure wiped the grin off Sonny’s face. That, or the sound of the doorbell, which rang just as Rafael was finishing his sentence. Rafael had been joking; she wasn’t supposed to get there for at least half an hour.

Oh well.

Before Rafael could react, Sonny leapt off the couch and buzzed her in. Then he walked to the door, only to make a U-turn and face Rafael, palpable panic in his eyes.

“I can’t open the door, Rafi, you should open the door. I’ve never met her!”

Rafael rolled his eyes and walked to the door himself, as Sonny stood next to him. But not too close. Rafael elbowed him to the side, just once, and muttered, “Calm. Down.”

Then, Rafael let his mother in.

“Mom, hi–”

“So, this is your detective?”

And there it was _._ She was still standing in the doorway, for crying out loud.

Sonny gaped, just for a second; which was probably still long enough for him to make a terrible first impression. Lucia was somehow staring Sonny down and sizing him up at the same time. She wasn’t even looking at Rafael, and she was smirking.

Rafael decided not to freak out just yet. Unfortunately, before he could speak, Sonny took it upon himself to answer. Rafael was almost impressed; people usually fell silent when on the receiving end of a Barba stare-down.

“Hi, Mrs. Barba, I’m Sonny, nice to m–”

“Sonny?” she asked.

“Uh, Dominick. Junior. Dominick Carisi, Jr. But you can call me Sonny.”

“Nice to meet you, Dominick. Lucia Barba.”

Sonny was gaping again, not that Rafael could blame him. At least Sonny had closed his mouth long enough to shake her hand.

Rafael still couldn’t figure out how those two had managed to introduce themselves. How he had let this little exchange play out, as he stood by watching. He had been practicing, too, all week. Rafael was going to say, ‘Mom, this is my partner, Sonny’ – he wouldn’t dare say ‘boyfriend’ in front of her, he’d never hear the end of it. And then he’d say, ‘Sonny, this lovely lady is my mother, Lucia Barba’. 

So much for that.

“Nice to meet you too, ma’am. Come on in.”

_Ma’am?_

Rafael should really open his mouth and say something. Anything. 

Any minute now.

Except he said nothing as his mother leaned in for her customary kiss on the cheek. Rafael silently obliged her and watched as Sonny stepped aside, letting Lucia walk past them both and into the living room. 

By the time they joined her, briefly delayed by their shared sense of despair, Lucia had already sat herself comfortably in Sonny’s – previously Rafael’s – armchair. 

Rafael and Sonny both sat on the couch, a safe distance between them. A hilariously safe distance; you could fit another person in the space they had left. 

Rafael laughed to himself. Under normal circumstances, Sonny would be sitting so close to him, their legs would be tangled. They were at home; Sonny should, at the very least, have a hand on Rafael’s knee, or on the small of Rafael’s back. Even in public, Sonny would always sit right next to him, the entire length of their thighs touching.

But sitting before Lucia Barba? Apparently, that required maintaining a distance of at least 2 feet–

Except Sonny moved. Sonny moved closer, until he was only inches away, and he turned his body toward Rafael, and one of his knees touched Rafael’s thigh. A point of contact. Rafael looked at Sonny out of the corner of his eye, and Sonny gave him one of those warm, encouraging half-smiles that Rafael loved so much.  _Ugh._ In front of his mother? Sonny was… 

Sonny was great.

Speaking of Rafael’s mother, Lucia had observed this entire interaction in silence, the smirk never leaving her lips.

Dammit.

“So, Dominick, I finally meet you after, what, a year and a half of you dating my son? What took you so long?”

Sonny shot a glance at Rafael, perhaps suggesting that this would be a good time for Rafael to actually speak.

Rafael did not speak.

Sonny stammered, just for a moment, but then he composed himself.

“Um, well, it’s… Meeting the parents, that’s… you know. It’s always a little nerve-wracking. Plus it means something. We’re not kids anymore. For a step like that, at our age, we had to make sure it was serious.”

Sonny glanced at Rafael again, but Rafael remained silent. Also, Rafael did not miss the way Lucia pointedly looked at him when Sonny said  _‘our_ age’.

“You didn’t know if your relationship with my son was serious?” Lucia asked, her left eyebrow clearly judging Sonny.

Rafael almost preened at that. His mom was actually calling Sonny out for imaginary slights against her son. Just like he had hoped, she wasn’t being weird, nor was she prejudiced. She was just evaluating Sonny, like any future mother-in-l… like anyone in her position would. 

While Rafael was busy furiously backpedalling inside his own brain, wondering if he could erase his own thoughts from the last 5 seconds, Sonny was trying to fend off Lucia by himself. This wasn’t going well. Rafael should really speak up–

“I knew it was serious before we even got together. It just took me this long to convince Rafi.”

Oh. Sonny, again, had taken it upon himself to answer. And he had answered immediately, and honestly, and Rafael wanted to kiss him.

But, more significantly, Lucia herself seemed to be warming up to Sonny, if her smirk was any indication. After Sonny’s answer, her smirk had gotten softer; just a little, but enough for Rafael to see.

“That I can believe. Sometimes Rafi can’t see what’s right in front of him. Those of us who work too hard can be that way. Sometimes we focus on the wrong things.”

More judging. Great. She–

“Yeah, but it’s not just working too hard, it’s what you do. When you’re doing something important, when you’re helping people, I think it’s natural to get caught up in it. When there’s people who need you, or when you’re constantly dealing with all sorts of bad situations, it can be hard to think about yourself.

“Sure, it’s not ideal and, if you’re lucky, maybe you can find somebody to help you carry that weight. You know, somebody to help you unwind. But still, at the end of the day, it’s not a bad way to live. Not as long as you’re doing some good in the world.”

Sonny said that last part with a small shrug, probably expecting a comeback of some sort, or a follow-up question, but Lucia didn’t say anything; she just looked at him for a moment.

Rafael looked at Sonny too. Sonny, who had managed to hit 2 Barbas with one stone.

Sonny had gotten it. Even from the measly, 1-minute summation of Lucia Barba’s life that Rafael had deigned to offer. Sonny had understood that Rafael’s mother was all about helping, and she had sacrificed her own personal happiness to raise Rafael – and to raise her students, too, in many ways – and her life was full; but it was also lonely, and maybe she didn’t want that same life for Rafael. Regardless of anything else.

Sonny had understood that in 1 minute; Rafael was just now getting it. Fresh eyes, and all. Sonny could see Lucia clearly. He had a way of doing that. On the other hand, Rafael’s relationship with his mother came with a lot of baggage; baggage which often clouded his judgment, not to mention hers. Rafael was kicking himself for not putting it together sooner. And by ‘sooner’ he meant ‘years ago’. His mom wasn’t just criticizing him; she was also trying to warn him.

Anyway. Better late than never.

When Rafael returned his attention to his mother, seeing her in this new light, he found her nodding. Getting it. Getting how insightful Sonny was. In just a few minutes. It only took Rafael several months. He really could be willfully blind sometimes.

“And you’re that person? For Rafi? You help him carry that weight?” Lucia asked, her tone far gentler this time. 

She had said ‘person’ again. Not ‘man’. Rafael should set her str– 

“Yeah,” Sonny said. Just, ‘yeah’. He didn’t hesitate, not even for a second.

“And Rafi is that person for me. Goes both ways,” Sonny added, and he sounded so sure, and so casual, like he was stating the obvious, and Rafael really loved him.

Lucia narrowed her eyes. Rafael smiled; not that anyone noticed, since he had apparently been reduced to a spectator, silently watching as his mom and Sonny were having a heartfelt discussion. 

Rafael was smiling because Sonny had extensive experience with all the patented Barba expressions by now; the narrowing of the eyes was pretty much his specialty, if only because Rafael did it so often.

“That’s right,” Lucia said, nodding again. “You work hard too. And you help people, too. You’re an SVU detective. That can’t be easy.”

“Could be worse,” Sonny smiled. “There are some bad days, definitely, and some long days, for sure, but it’s worth it. And, like I said, it helps having someone who gets it. Makes it a little easier.”

Lucia actually smiled back.

Huh. A dimply smile by Sonny always trumped the narrowing of a Barba’s eyes. That was now a scientific fact. 

“Rafi also tells me that you’ve graduated law school.”

Still smiling, Sonny humbly replied, “Well, yeah, but it wasn’t Harvard Law.”

“Right, you graduated from Fordham Law. I’ve been lucky to send quite a few of my students there over the years, it’s a great school. Good for you. It’s always nice to meet a young man with a love for learning.”

Sonny beamed.

Words of praise from a Barba’s lips equaled a happy Sonny. Also a scientific fact.

Rafael did not miss the way his mother over-emphasized  _young,_ by the way. A  _young_ man. She really kept piling it on.

And she also… Oh no. She was looking right at him. Was it too late for Rafael to fake an emergency?

“So, Rafi, will you be joining us in this conversation any time soon? You’ve left poor Dominick here to deal with me without any help.”

Rafael supposed he deserved that.

“I trust him, mom. If he can handle me, he can handle you.”

Sure, Rafael only spoke once, but he made it count.

This time, Lucia’s smile was genuine, not a trace of sarcasm to be found. Rafael was sure that Sonny noticed too. If only because Lucia Barba’s fond smile was disturbingly similar to Rafael Barba’s fond smiles. And Sonny had seen enough of those, Sonny had  _caused_ enough of those, to know them instantly.

“Fair enough, Rafi. He seems to be doing a pretty good job with the both of us.”

Preliminary approval. 

Rafael couldn’t help but mirror his mother’s smile, and Sonny’s smile was so wide he got those little crinkles in his eyes, and Rafael wanted to kiss him again. 

“Now, are we going to eat, or what?” Lucia asked.

Oh. Right. Dinner. Which Rafael should have already reheated. Rafael scampered off to the kitchen, feeling a little safer in leaving Sonny alone with his mom, now that she had expressed a positive opinion out loud. 

When Rafael returned to the living room a few minutes later, he found his mother sitting next to Sonny, having moved to the couch. The two of them seemed pretty cozy, actually.

Well. That was interesting.

“If you’re done chatting, dinner is served,” he announced.

Smirking, Lucia shot back, “Look who found his voice. I’ll just go wash my hands and I’ll be right there.”

As soon as she left for the bathroom, Rafael took Sonny by the forearm and led him to the kitchen.

“What was that about?”

Sonny grinned and said, “Just talking.”

Rafael resisted the urge to roll his eyes. At least Sonny looked confident, and relaxed, and like he had no reason to be nervous anymore. That was good enough for Rafael.

“Fine, don’t tell me. I’m just glad we seem to be making a good impression as an item.”

“ _We?_ Don’t act like I’m not doing all the work here, Rafi. You’ve barely said two words. I’m surprised you only left me alone with her for 10 minutes, I thought you were gonna ditch me for good,” Sonny teased, but he was still grinning.

“Maybe I should,” joked Rafael, and he even considered it for a second. Sonny didn’t seem to need any help. Would anyone really miss Rafael if he took off? Would that be so terrib–

Rafael sighed. No point in daydreaming. Instead, he asked, “Come on, Sonny, she’s not that bad, is she?”

“Nah. She _does_ remind me of every scary teacher I ever had at Catholic School, especially every time she calls me Dominick, but she’s not bad. Like you said, she’s here with an open mind. And I actually think she’s warming up to me. She looks at me like you used to, when we first started dating.”

Rafael had to hear this; “And how did I used to look at you?”

Sonny flashed him a cocky smile.

“Like you didn’t want me to know how much you liked me.”

Rafael did roll his eyes at that. Mostly because it was true. Apparently, Sonny was getting scarily good at reading all the Barbas.

Speaking of, Lucia walked into the kitchen, just in time to see Sonny smiling at Rafael like a love-struck fool. Which he was, but still.

Rafael pulled out a chair for his mother, still not saying anything, hoping that she would be inspired by his silence and she’d just enjoy her damn dinner without pestering them for the duration.

Almost like she read his mind – or, perhaps, the somewhat pointed expression on his face – Lucia spoke.

“Alright, I’ll hold off on the questions for now, just long enough for us to have our dinner in peace. Dominick, don’t think I’m done with you.”

Sonny chuckled, not at all worried; for a second, Rafael actually believed that dinner would come to pass without any major Lucia Barba put-downs.

“Rafi, did you use _canned_ tomatoes for the sauce?”

He was wrong.

~ ~ ~ 

Dinner went off without a hitch. Culinary suggestions aside.

One thing Rafael did notice was that Sonny kept finding it especially amusing whenever Lucia made any type of critical remark. Sonny was seemingly taking great pleasure in Rafael’s failures, namely the canned tomatoes and the crushed garlic – ‘you should always chop it finely, Rafi’.

It was only after Rafael literally bit his lip, trying to hold back a retort, that he realized exactly what Sonny found amusing. It was the fact Rafael was holding back at all; the fact he wasn’t throwing jabs, the fact he was being a good son, letting most of his mother’s remarks go by unanswered.

Sonny had never witnessed the Barba family dynamic before – and it was funny, but the word ‘family’ didn’t bother Rafael anymore. It was like talking about it had eased his pain. Like Sonny had helped him carry some of that weight. Huh.

Well, Sonny was clearly tickled by the fact Rafael was letting someone else get the upper hand. In all honesty, Rafael couldn’t begrudge him that. If Rafael himself weren’t the one holding his tongue, he’d be finding it pretty amusing too. If only for the novelty.

As long as Sonny wasn’t expecting Rafael to ever let  _him_ get the upper hand, of course. Rafael had to draw the line somewhere; he couldn't let  _everyone_ he loved walk all over him. Or, at least, that’s what Rafael told himself. 

After dinner, the little party of three moved back to the living room. Lucia started making small talk about Sonny’s taste in literature, and about Staten Island, and Rafael breathed a sigh of relief. Despite his mother’s pre-dinner warning, Rafael assumed – well, he hoped – that she was done with her interrogation. He also assumed the visit was almost over, and began practicing his ‘Thanks for coming, mom, we’ll definitely do this again’ speech.

Except, apparently, Lucia Barba had a few more questions.

“So, Sonny, I understand Rafi has met your family?”

That put a damper on Sonny’s amusement, at least.

“Uh, yeah, it was pretty much a fluke, though. My little sister was pregnant and I was with him when she called, she was going into labor and Rafi drove us to the hospital. And then, you know, the rest of my folks showed up. It wasn’t as official as this is.”

Lucia actually chuckled. Rafael was impressed yet again; Sonny had managed to slither his way out of that question pretty successfully.

“Well, maybe we can set up another official dinner, so I can meet your family too,” she added.

Sonny gaped, as did Rafael, identical looks of alarm on their faces.

Forget the fact she had expressed the desire to meet Sonny’s family at all – which, frankly, was a lot more than Rafael ever expected of his mother. Lucia Barba meeting the Carisis? OK, she’d be fine meeting Sonny’s parents, maybe Bella too, as long as Tommy was conveniently out working, but Gina and Theresa? Theresa’s oversharing alone would be enough to short-circuit Lucia’s brain.

Plus, it was way too soon for that. Rafael and Sonny meeting each other’s parents, that was fine. But the two families meeting? That was a different story; that meant something different. And Rafael was really hoping to delay that meeting until– 

Until… later.

Anyway.

Instead of speaking, Rafael looked at Sonny and, like a coward, used a subtle eyebrow raise to indicate that Sonny had better say something, because  _he_ sure wasn’t going to.

Sonny hilariously widened his eyes, as he realized that Rafael was still refusing to actually answer any of his own mother’s questions. Then, Sonny turned back to Lucia.

“Uh, sure! I mean, there’s no rush, but sure, my parents would love to meet you, Ma’am.”

_Parents._ Good call. It appeared that Sonny had the same idea as Rafael, about keeping his sisters as far away from–

“Call me Lucia.”

Sonny’s eyes got even wider, but at least he found his smile.

That was quite the finish. The Lucia Barba seal of approval had just gotten official. And it had only taken a little less than 2 hours. If Rafael had known, he’d have set up this dinner much sooner.

“Alright, I suppose you’ve had enough of me for one evening,” Lucia added, seemingly ready to leave, now that she had sufficiently blown their minds. “Dominick, it was really nice meeting you. You’re not what I expected.”

Sonny wisely did not ask for clarification. He just said, “Well, Lucia, you’re pretty much exactly what I expected.”

Lucia chuckled again. 

Rafael marveled at Sonny’s ease. Sonny was always a little too affable, a little too informal for his own good, which could come off as weird or off-putting when he was on the job. But in any other context? Sonny was positively charming.

“Oh and, next time anything happens with the two of you, I hope you let me know in advance,” Lucia said.

What?

“We will,” Sonny replied assuredly.

_What?_

“Good. I’m counting on you, Dominick, because if I had to rely on my son I’d find out on your silver anniversary.”

_WHAT?_

Rafael couldn’t keep up, his eyes volleying between his mother and Sonny. He couldn’t tell if they were messing with him, maybe as punishment, because he had stayed quiet all evening, or if they were seri…

OK, yeah, they were definitely messing with him. His mom was barely holding back a laugh and Sonny was grinning the most devilish little grin. But Sonny wasn’t fooling anyone; it was obvious that he liked the sound of a silver anniversary, or maybe Rafael was projecting, because he didn’t mind it either, and maybe this  _was_ a joke but it didn’t have to be.

“Well, I hope you two have had your fun. Mom, don’t let us keep you. I’ll walk you out.”

Rafael didn’t want to risk any more comments-slash-jokes-slash-predictions; he was up before he even finished his sentence. His smirking mother followed, and Sonny was the last to get up, giving Lucia a warm handshake and an even warmer smile, both of which she returned. 

Rafael led his mother to the door and then he stepped outside with her, eager to hear her thoughts. Oddly, her smirk was gone; she looked somber. Rafael refused to worry about that. Too much.

“Spit it out, mom. What did you think? Not that I have to ask, he had you eating out of his hand,” Rafael teased, hoping she’d crack a smile.

She didn’t. She just looked at him, eyes serious, maybe for a second too long.

“That boy loves you.”

Rafael’s chest was flooded with warmth. His mother wasn’t somber; she was touched. Because she had seen it. Not that it was hard to tell, what with Sonny being so nauseatingly obvious with his affections – and by ‘nauseatingly’ Rafael meant ‘adorably’, by the way. 

No; the point was, maybe Rafael’s grandmother hadn’t gotten to see, but his mother had. In a way, that felt just as important. That his mother had put her own opinions aside, that she had put Rafael’s happiness first.

“I know he does,” Rafael said. 

“And you love him too.”

“I do. Wait, what do you mean ‘ _boy’?_ He’s in his 30s, mom, he’s not 19.”

Leave it to Lucia Barba to use a word which exclusively referred to men, for the very first time, and to have that word be ‘boy’ instead of ‘man’. She was accepting Rafael, while also calling him old. She could pull a put-down out of thin air. Rafael had a lot to learn from her.

“In his 30s as in, he’s 30?” she asked, her right eyebrow indicating that she already knew the answer to that question.

“Maybe,” Rafael replied, struggling not to smile. And failing.

His mom, however, was still not smiling.

“It’s good to see you happy, Rafi. And it’s good to see you sharing it with me. It’s just the two of us now, and I know that hasn’t been easy. I know my mom was the one you always turned to, and I even resented her for that, a little, but she’s gone now so we have to learn–”

“What?”

Rafael couldn’t believe his ears. He had no idea his mother felt that way.

Sighing, Lucia elaborated.

“Don’t get me wrong, Rafi. I’m glad you had someone to talk to. And it’s my fault, I let it happen. I let my mom deal with you because I thought she’d do a better job. Because she was gentle, and sweet, and demonstrative, and accepting. All the things I’m not. It just seemed less complicated that way.

“I know now that I took the easy way out. I was raising you, but I was ignoring this part of you, this part of who you are. I was letting my mom handle it, lying to myself that it was for the best. The truth is, I never knew what to say. I still don’t know what to say. That’s why I never interfered. I’m not the best person for this sort of thing. For the emotional conversations. I know that. I know you’d rather have your grandmother here, instead, to–”

Rafael didn’t let her finish. He pulled her into a hug, and she seemed grateful for the interruption.

“I’m not the best person for this sort of thing either, mom, in case you hadn’t noticed,” he said, and his mother squeezed him a little harder. 

Pulling away enough to look at his mother’s face, Rafael spoke again.

“I’d rather have you both, of course I would. But I’m happy you’re here. I never realized that you wanted to…” to what? Rafael didn’t know how to finish that sentence.

Lucia finished it for him.

“That I wanted to be a part of your life? Of course I did, Rafi. For years now, I’ve been regretting my behavior. It just got harder to tell you as time went by. To apologize. To make things right. After all this time of looking the other way. Well, I’m sorry. And I’m happy that you’re happy.”

Rafael felt very strange. He felt surprised, relieved, regretful. And, yes, happy. But he also felt like he had played a part in their predicament too.

“You’re not the only one who needs to apologize, mom. I’ve been keeping you out of my life for a very long time. And I still kept you out, even after… Even though I knew you had been trying, in the last 2 years. I know what you mean, about it being easier. But we can fix that now.”

Lucia finally smiled.

Rafael, still a little overwhelmed and needing time to process, took his chance to lighten the mood.

“Now, enough about our issues. You still haven’t told me your thoughts on Sonny. Be gentle.”

Lucia’s smile got wider. Rafael wasn’t sure that was a good thing.

“Well, he’s kind, and engaging, and funny. And he’s well-read, and quick on his feet. And he’s smarter than he lets on.”

Oh. Disregarding the fact that sounded like something one might hear at a parent-teacher conference, it was quite the glowing review. Or was it? Rafael braced himself for the rest of his mother’s answer.

“Also, he looks at you like he’s lucky to have you, which we both know is not true. And he thinks your cooking is way better than it actually is, and if that’s not a sign of true love I don’t know what is. And he can tell when you’re nervous, he knows to touch you so you’ll relax. And he’s ready to step in, to cover for you, when you can’t string a sentence together because you’re too good to talk to your own mother, _apparently.”_

Rafael regretted ever asking.

“I don’t mean to tell you your business, mom, but you were supposed to criticize _him,_ not me.”

“Force of habit,” she joked, and it was funny ‘cause it was true.

All the eye-rolls in the world would not suffice, so Rafael didn’t even try; he just went with a fond smile.

“I love you, mom.”

With a chuckle, Lucia replied, “I love you too. Now go back inside and tell Sonny he has my blessing.”

“ _Sonny?_ Wh…” Rafael gaped, before he regained his composure and scoffed at his mother. She always knew how to rile him up. 

Lucia laughed all the way to the elevator.

~ ~ ~ 

Rafael had barely walked through the door when he was greeted by a hilariously impatient Sonny.

“Come on already, you were out there for ages! What did your mom say?”

“Like you don’t know? _‘Call me Lucia’?_ How do you do it?”

Sonny grinned.

“I can’t help it if everyone loves me, Rafi. So, does that mean I passed?”

Rafael did  _not_ appreciate Sonny’s use of that phrase; not so soon after his mother – a teacher, incidentally – had called Sonny a ‘boy’. But Rafael also didn’t appreciate the fact that Sonny had seen the evening as a test.

“With flying colors. Not that it would have made a difference. That’s not what this dinner was about.”

“Could have fooled me,” Sonny sassed. “Especially when you hand-picked my outfit for optimum mom appeal.”

Well, there  _was_ that.

“I’m serious, Sonny. Sure, I’m glad my mom liked you, and she definitely would have side-eyed the khakis, but that wasn’t why I wanted you to meet her. For me, tonight was more about full disclosure. It’s all out there. Now you know everything.”

Sonny knew alright. It was in his eyes. He knew what Rafael was saying. What Rafael wasn’t saying, even. That Sonny had no reason to seek anyone’s approval. And that he deserved to know everything. Because Rafael loved him.

Except, before Sonny could say that out loud – that, or something just as unnervingly insightful – Rafael spoke again.

“Of course, tonight was also about my mom scaring you off, so we’d have a reason to avoid these get-togethers in the future. Unfortunately, she wasn’t quite as harsh as I had hoped, so you should prepare yourself for frequent Sunday brunch invitations. And you should also prepare yourself for me frequently cancelling at the last minute because I’ll have to ‘ _work’._ Which shouldn’t be a problem. I’m sure my mom won’t miss me; not if you’re there, delighting her with your personality.”

“Come on Rafi, don’t say that,” Sonny said with a pout. “You won’t have to cancel. You can just sit with us and not say anything. You know, like tonight.”

This was what Rafael had been reduced to. Sonny Carisi making fun of him. Oh how the tables had turned.

Rafael attempted to scoff, but Sonny stepped closer and gave him a kiss. Rafael reconsidered; he could always scoff some other time. There was never a shortage of excuses.

Sonny pulled away, but only a little, his hands resting on Rafael’s shoulders.

“Not to fish for compliments, Rafi, but what _did_ your mom say?”

Sonny had managed to sound nonchalant, but Rafael could tell he was pretty curious. Maybe Rafael could get a little payback for Sonny’s joke.

“Oh, nothing I didn’t already know.”

“So… what? How great I am?” Sonny asked, eyes bright.

“Well, not in so many words. It was more implied,” Rafael teased.

“Uh-huh. And how you don’t deserve me?”

Rafael chose to conceal the fact his mother had said just that. Also, the fact that it was true.

“I don’t think so. That doesn’t ring a bell.”

“And how much you love me?” Sonny probed, his smile getting wider with every question.

“That may or may not have been pointed out,” Rafael said, his resistance wearing thin.

“And how much I love you?”

Dammit, Sonny was making it impossible for Rafael to exact his revenge.

Because Sonny’s grin was so wide, and he looked so happy, and it was hard to believe there was ever a time when Rafael didn’t love him.

It was hard to believe Rafael had wasted all that time thinking Sonny was annoying, and arrogant, and simpleminded. It was hard to believe it had taken Rafael so long to see Sonny for who he really was.

It was hard to believe that Rafael and Sonny could have spent their entire lives just as colleagues; colleagues who didn’t even like each other. Near strangers. The thought alone made Rafael’s chest feel tighter; his heart heavier.

It was hard to believe that Rafael had almost missed his chance. 

“Yes, Sonny,” Rafael replied, not joking this time. “The fact you love me definitely came up. More than once.”

As Sonny beamed, as he pulled Rafael in for another kiss, fingers gentle but hands strong, Rafael realized that missing out on this was never an option. Sonny never would have let that happen.


End file.
